Monday, May 30, 2011

Pressure


What have I done so wrong? At eighteen years old I went a little crazy and did some stupid things. Who doesn't? Who doesn't drink and party and try to experience the world at some point? I comletely despise who I became for a short amount of time, and I did a lot of things I honestly and whole heartedly regret. I was living with my parents, completely not following their rules. and yes, I feel terrible for that. It was absolutely wrong for me to dishonor them and lie to them. But is that completely abnormal? Of course I was going to try to break free. I was cooped up in church and nothing but chuch for years (and yes, by choice.) I wanted to see what else there was, and I saw it. Was it right? Absolutely not. But it never should have been treated the way it was. It was treated way too dramatically. I had never even tried a single drug in my life and yet my famliy still found it perfectly okay to institute an intervention. A literal one. As in ten to fifteen people surrounded me in the living room and told me how terrible I was, and how I needed to turn back to God. They cried and accused me of being cold and distant. They held stacks of my personal emails and facebook messages to prove what a bad person I'd become. They tried to physically hold me down, causing me to panic, which sent me into the scariest asthma attack I've ever had (and had my mom not have gotten my inhaler, I honestly don't know what would have happened). And while I laid on the floor, gasping for air, they screamed at me and cursed at me. They took away my car, and wouldn't allow anybody in our driveway to pick me up. So I had to walk all my things to the end of the driveway, while they watched from the house. All because I started getting drunk at parties and crashing as friend's houses.No, I shouldn't have been doing it, but I was not nearly as bad as I was being made out to be. and instead of taking it, i left.

I got over that. I eventually forgave my parents for what they did and tried my best to have a relationship with them.and so far, we've managed to do a mediocre job of that. But I understood it would take a long time.
I moved out of my first apartment 2 months after moving in because of a terrible situation with a roommate. I lost a lot of money and valuable items living there, and was getting into a bad situation. I had just started dating Dave and he offered to let me stay with him until I could find somewhere new. We never had intentions of living together, and we had only been together merely weeks, so I was definitely looking into housing options for myself. But the more I was with Dave, the more I fell in love with him, and wanted to be with him. After weeks of discussion, we decided to make living together a permanent thing. And I haven't regretted it once. Unfortunately, things have been really difficult. We've had very bad luck so far, and can never seem to be making decent money at the same time. When I first met him I was making decent money at my job, but he started losing hours at his. Then when I stopped making as much, his work picked up. We'd never really both been financially struggling at the same time, so we helped support eachother a lot. Unfortunately we've just never been able to get ahead. And I really feel as though attempting an esthetics career as an independent contractor was a bad financial decision on my part, and now I'm paying for it. But, for the first time, we are both financially struggling, and we've gotten into a bind. We have, thankfully, had so much help from family members, and our landlord is absolutely wonderful and understanding of our situation. We have just hit a rough patch that we're slowly making our way out of. That happens to everyone yes? I mean, we're starting our lives and trying to be independent at a VERY hard economic time. It isn't easy to live and support yourself right now.
I've stopped drinking. I get sick at even watching people drink alcochol (and my family will claim it is because they prayed alcohol would make me sick). Honestly, I just had one too many bad nights, and I just don't enjoy the stuff. I never party. And downtown on a Saturday night only pisses me off. I spend my nights at home watching Jeopardy and playing with my cats. I'm not very social, and I've become a lot more of a private person. I feel as though I'm growing up a lot. I don't like the things I used to, and I'm a lot more ambitious minded. This past year has made me grow up so much, and I'm over the things I used to do.

Yet somehow the life I'm living is sinful. It's wrong. It's disgusting. It's horrible and God hates it. I am not going in the right direction. I'm failing, making bad decision. I am disrespectful and won't listen to anybody for help. I ignore the help and support of others. My life is crumbling and it's my fault.
Why? What's so wrong with me? What is wrong with what I'm doing? I'm living with my boyfriend...is that the best that can be thrown at me? I love this man. I am in love with him. I'm going to be with him for the rest of my life. He supports me, encourages me, respects me more than anybody I have ever met, and wants nothing but my happiness and success. He takes care of me to the best of his ability and I know he would give up anything for me. He's already given up half of his family just being with me. I'm going to marry him one day, and we're never going to be apart. So why is it that today it is disgusting and horrible for me to sleep next to him at night, but if I were to marry him tomorrow it would be pure and heavenly for me to lay next to him? That makes no sense. A piece of paper is the only thing we do not have. We have the love. We have the support for eachother. We have the desire for a life together. (something half of these people that are unhappy with my living arrangements DON'T have) Why do we have to be married for it to be okay that we share a place together?

Why is it wrong for a woman to live with a man she is not married to that respects and loves her more than the world, but somehow it is wrong for a woman being treated like trash every day to divorce her husband? I don't like this system and I won't abide by it.

I am twenty years old. I am an adult. And honestly, I'm going through the hardest time I have ever been through in my life. I am struggling and it's difficult. But I'm remaining positive. I'm happy. I'm stressed but I'm still happy. That's more than I can say for most of the people telling me how to live my life. In fact, the people criticizing me the most are some of the most stressed, worried, and sad people I've ever seen. I don't want that. I want happiness. I want more than Gainesville, Florida. I want more than everything I've already seen. I want to be happy, successful, and have a wonderful life with my guy. I am miserable here and it has nothing to offer me. Why would anybody that loves me want a life of misery for me just for their own selfish gain? It hurts that I'm being treated this way. That I'm being financially helped and supported but in what I consider the hardest time in my life I'm not being emotionally supported. I'm really not a bad person. I'm really not making terrible, fatal decisions. And I'm sick of guilt being placed upon me day after day and walking around with a load on my shoulders, partially hating myself because it's being drilled into my head that I'm a bad person.

I've got to do something pretty messed up for my own mom to tell me she hates what I have become. But if it is wrong and messed up for me to just want more out of life than Gainesville, Florida, so be it. I don't care anymore. I refuse to be made to feel guilty for wanting a bigger, better life. I refuse to be made to feel guilty for being down on my luck and thankfully receiving the help and support of others. I refuse to be controlled and told what to do. I am a twenty year old adult and I live on my own .I would love help and support. I would love encouragement and kindness. But I'm not interested in the judgementalism and the guilt. I'm done being made to feel bad. I'm done letting somebody else tell me who I am and that it is wrong. I love myself and I love the life I'm making for myself. I don't have a lot and it will be a long time before I have nice things and can do everything I want, but I will get it for myself I and I will prove to every single person that believes I'm crashing slowly that I can absolutely make it and I will not regret what I'm doing.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with me living with Dave and I refuse to believe there is. I'm sick of these pointless rules that mean nothing. I'm sick of hearing that a piece of paper decides it's okay for me to love my boyfriend and be with him every day. I'm happy and I'm going to continue to live life how I want it, not how somebody else wants it. Because that is no way to live. And I don't want to live that way.

It's sad to know that by some, this attitude of mine to want a different life for myself is viewed as disrespectful and wrong. When all I all I really want is a normal, happy life with the person I love. And I really don't believe that's really so wrong. I'm hurt beyond belief, because I never thought the people that have claimed to love me the most would make me feel so horrible about myself. The constant critisiam and guilt has slowly been breaking me down. Its haunting me on a regular basis, giving me nightmares and consistantly making me question everything I do. And its sad to know that the only way to make it stop is to completely change who I am becoming and become what someone else wants. And that, to me, is very very sad.

I'm not fifteen anymore and to believe that a person will be the same person at twenty as they were as a kid is, to me, terribly naiive. And to make them feel guilty for who they grow up to be is one of the worst things you can do to someone you love.

Thursday, January 6, 2011

First Post of The New Year

When I love and care about another person, I want justice and punishment for anybody that does them wrong. When a guy hurts my best friend, I want to take him down. When one of my boyfriend's friends is being completely wrong towards him, I want to let them know how wrong they are. That's just how I am. If you hurt somebody I love or care about, I don't like you. I guess that's why it hurts me so much when people seemingly close to me don't care about it at all. When my ex roommate took everything from me this Summer, it destroyed me. It put me back months financially, left me out of a place to live, and continually put me in extreme dangerous situations on a regular basis. I will probably hate him for the rest of my life. I will probably forever want to let him know how scum I think he is for what he put me through. I guess I would just expect the same from all my friends and family. I guess I wouldn't expect to be too happy when my boss (at the time she was my boss) who "considered me like a daughter" to her wanted to give him a Christmas present to "cheer him up. " I guess when my "friends" don't express a mutual dislike for him and try to tell me I handled the situation wrong with him, I'm going to take offense. My boyfriend loves and adores me, and wants only the absolute best for me in my life. When he sees Ryan, his blood boils - and you can see it. He goes crazy with anger and the only thing in his eyes at that time is revenge. My parents both love me more than I can know, and both of them, given the chance, would probably take delight in giving him what he deserves. They feel this way because they love me and know what he put me through. If you're somebody I consider close, I would do anything in the world for you and I would demand revenge on anybody that caused pain and hurt in your life. Because I believe to be a friend, you have to show full support for you and anger about the things that hurt you. If you're going to talk down how I "handled" the situation or act as though what he did doesn't deserve the attempts I've made to make sure he gets his, you're not a true friend and I'm not interested in your "thoughts" and "opinions". Because the last thing I need is somebody I consider my friend telling me I'm wrong to feel hurt, destroyed, and have a desire to get even with somebody that tried to completely ruin my life.

I was just fired. I have too much to think about it. Dave and I have high hope to move to Orlando in the fall. He could work at one of the numerous resorts and banquet centers at Disney, and I could have so many freelance makeup artistry opportunities there as well. There is so much more for us in Orlando than there is in Gainesville. We have nothing here. We want success. We want a future. And we're going to take it. When Orlando was discussed, we'd decided it'd be sometime in the fall, 8 months from now, that we would move. When my boss caught wind, she fired me immediately because of my plans to leave. I'm now jobless, and completely without the resources I need to continue the makeup artistry career I just spent time, effort, and money promoting for. If it weren't for Dave, I'd be a mess.

I only have one life to live. I don't get so much time to do the things I want. If I want success in the future, I have to start now. Sure, I could find a full time office job making $10 an hour with benefits. But in ten years I'll be still stuck at that boring, suffocating office job wishing I had done more with my life and taken more chances. I'm growing up, and learning as I go. I can't guarantee all my dreams will come true in Orlando. But they sure won't come true here. I have to make a path for myself and work hard to get to the end. I know I can, and with the help and support of my amazing boyfriend, we could create a beautiful life together in Orlando. Especially before we settle down and get married and have children. I'm excited for what the future brings.

There's so much to get done, and so many things to think about. Praying one of these jobs comes through and I get out of this unemployment rut immediately. I know it will all work out, and I know I'll have this nice life with all these nice things and no struggles, I just don't know how long it will take.

New Years was great, and I'm stoked to start 2011. I feel big things will happen this year. Dave quit smoking, and so far is doing phenomenal. I am so very proud of him. My resolution? To move to Orlando and establish myself there successfully. It will happen, because I'm going to make it happen. Happy 2011, Friends!

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Change



If I could, at this point in my life, pick one piece of advice that I would strive to instill in my children one day, it would be this;

Nothing lasts, and everything changes. Things you love will become things you hate. People you know will become strangers of the past. Life is constantly changing and there is nothing you can or will ever be able to do about it. So prepare yourself for change, and take it the best you can when it happens. Because it will happen.


I just started my new position as assistant manager at the Body Shop. My last shift at Merle Norman was yesterday. I am totally and completely emotionally torn. Where I am now has so much more to offer: Higher pay, more (consistant) hours, tons of advancement opportunities, and easy transfer should we decide to move. I just cannot let go of Merle Norman.

I wasn't completely miserable at Merle, but I was starting to see that it was getting me nowhere. My boss was saying she was selling the store, then she'd talk about building onto it, and I just didn't know what to believe. Not to mention I was making minimum wage with no possibility of a raise. I knew there was no moving up. I knew if I stayed there, I'd be the same girl working there for two years making $7.25 an hour, and not doing anything more. I couldn't let myself do that. I could not allow myself to be that girl. I wanted bigger, better things. And when this new job opportunity presented itself, I couldn't pass it up.

I already miss Merle. I hate that I spent two years of my life pouring every ounce of dedication I had in me to that job, and I came out with nothing to show for it. Merle Norman has been the only constant in my life for two years that I have been totally and completely proud of and confident in. And going from being in an environment where you know everything about anything to one where you're consistantly lost and confused is a very hard thing. I know this new job will take time. I know that eventually, once I get into the swing of things and finish my training, this job will be a piece of cake and easy as pie. I just need to patiently wait for that time to come. And until then, it will be hard.


Life can change in a split second, and adjusting to change can be one of the hardest abilities you work to improve. I can imagine that it's one of those things in life you have to continually learn; adjustment. But I am adjusting, and I am doing my absolute hardest to see the light at the end of this tunnel.

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Fresh Air



The night I posted my last blog post, I showed up to Dave's work after having had a big fight hours before, and he surprised me with a small vase of flowers he handpicked around work. Then he drove me to downtown Alachua for a long walk. We snuck onto the playground of my old elementary school and swung on the swings and just talked. I wish he knew how special that night was to me.

The way he looks at me and tells me how beautiful he finds me gives me so much reassurance I'm destined to be with him for the rest of my life. I can't give this up...


I've been incredibly unhealthy lately. With what I eat, how I sleep, and what I watch/listen to has put far too many toxins in my body and in my life. I'm making small life changes to cleanse all of the life toxins out and make my health and my life a little less cluttered and a little more stress free. We're going on a three day trip to St. Augustine for his birthday next week; That will help majorly. I need room to breathe, and I feel like I don't have that.

I need a breath of fresh air...

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Picking Battles and Breaking Out of Routine



You can read every book ever written on dating and still have no idea how to have a relationship.


I'm learning more with every argument to pick my battles. My mom always used this phrase as I was growing up, and I never really applied it to my life until now. I am an incredibly stubborn and hard headed person. If I get something in my mind, it better happen, otherwise I'm going to fight until it does. This isn't an okay way to be. I love Dave with all my heart and I hate fighting with him. I find myself coming to points where I realize that arguing my point is only going to make our fights worse, and all I want to do is surrender and let him take the argument. I can't decide if this is healthy or not. I believe fighting can be very healthy in a relationship because it's important to communicate our ideas and feelings with one another. But at the same time, I often find it doesn't get me anywhere but in a bad place with the one I love. But then, when I give up, I feel left with all of these feelings and opinions and thoughts about our relationship that just go unsolved, and still continually bother me. And I don't know what to do about that. I'm at a complete loss at how to handle these things. It's important not to make everything a fight and to sometimes just learn to pick your battles, but when you do that you're left feeling like nothing was solved or accomplished, and you're still left with hurt feelings and unresolved wants. I wish I knew how to do this.


I wouldn't change my living situation with Dave at all. I love coming home to him every day and waking up to him every morning. My world wouldn't be half as fulfilled if I couldn't be next to him every night. But I do believe we made a big mistake by living together so soon. Because we live together, we find it much easier to form a scheduled routine that we don't bother too much getting out of. We don't date. We don't go on walks together and I don't get taken out to dinner anymore. I understand that relationships take their course and go through stages, and eventually, that's going to happen anyway. I just feel like it came too soon for us. What I loved about Dave so much in the beginning is how, though I was seeing somebody else at the time who never took me on dates or treated me to anything semi nice at all, Dave would woo me with dinners and these special times together. I don't even need a dinner. I don't need any money spent on me. I've been talking about taking a walk together for over two months; that would be sufficient enough as a 'date'. I just want out of our routine and back into this spontaneous, exciting, surprising relationship. We've gotten too comfortable. I wish I knew how to fix that. And I wish I knew how to make it happen without having to fight over it and complain to him that I'm not getting that. He continually brings up respecting his wants and needs, and I need mine respected too. We're both in the wrong, and I wish I knew how to resolve it other than throwing my hands up, apologizing, and letting it die out.

I wonder if it's only about picking battles, or if it's more than that.


I love him so much. I just wish we could have stayed in a fresh, new relationship for longer. It only lasted about a month, and that's just too short. When you get settled down, get married, and have children, you don't have nearly as much time to do those things you can when you're in a new relationship. You HAVE to be comfortable and routine. We're not forced to do that, we just do. It's our own faults for settling in with each other so quickly. And it's just a hardship in our relationship that we have to work to get through and over. And I'm willing to do that. I only wish we did more with one another out of our daily routine. I miss the newness of our relationship. I miss going out to dinner and then spontaneously deciding on a late night trip to the beach. We don't have the money for fancy dinners and long road trips. But we have time for a late night walk down our neighborhood or a cute Friday night date to an inexpensive or free local event. It would just be nice to take those opportunities while we still can.

I'll figure it out, I'm sure. And I'm far aware that we're both tired, we're both pretty broke, and we both have certain things we don't enjoy doing as much as the other. I'm just too change-focused as a person to continue a daily, repetitive routine when I am constantly with somebody I love more than life and could spend so much more time with doing fun and interesting things to better our relationship and grow us closer as a couple.

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Waiting For The Curveball...


I'm so happy I never have to worry about "waiting by the phone" ever again.
I'm so happy I've found my forever in you.



We went to Daytona the other day and it was absolutely wonderful and much needed. It was the most perfect date I've ever been on; Beach, arcade games, funnel cakes and ferris wheel rides.
But anything with him is something amazing...


I have my first training day of my new job on Sunday, and I'm pretty stoked about that. The way things seem to be going financially, it doesn't really look like I need it. But the extra money during the week should be nice, and I'm definitely pretty excited. Everything seems to be looking up...

I stopped drinking for the most part. I was certainly starting to see a pointlessness in the partying and social drinking. Dave had been driving a big point in for a very long time and it wasn't one I understood until after the last party I came home from: Partying is what single people do to flirt and look for somebody to hook up with.

I kept arguing back that it was just something fun to do with friends on the weekends, and completely harmless. But I started to see that if you take away the drunkeness and the flirtatiousness, you really don't have any "fun" at all. It isn't something I need in my life, and probably never was. It's definitely not something I'll ever need again. I've found what I need in Dave, and I'm really not interested in doing all of the "single" things I did before. I haven't been to a club since we've been together, and I've been to enough parties to count on one hand since then as well. If I'm going to drink, it's going to be casually, at home, with my guy. That is the new rule. It just doesn't have the appeal that it had before, and I finally did come to realize that Dave was right about the partying. I'm getting older, and I'm starting to settle down. I feel past those things. I'll probably still go out and have a good time with friends every now and then, but nothing like I did before. If I had the choice to go out on a Friday night or stay home with my guy, cook some dinner and cuddle up for a movie, there really wouldn't be much of an option for me. Dave takes top priority, and I know he feels the same about me.

We're doing great financially, and the saving and living so frugal has finally started paying off. Apparently I've been building great credit, because my credit limit just increased. We're both getting more hours and more extra money through the week we didn't budget for, and our bills seem to be paying themselves easily. Life is definitely heading up; though I've come to realize that those times when life seems to be going great, you're always thrown a curveball. But after recent circumstances and life events, I think I'm more than well prepared for a curveball, whenever it may come.

...So bring it on, life. I'm not scared at all :)



Friday, September 24, 2010

Dave



I never could have thought I would ever feel this way again. The stomach butterflies, the ever increasing heart rate, the smiles and the feel good moments that make you believe everything bad in the world no longer exists. It's exactly how he makes me feel. And it's everything I've ever wanted.


I've been doing quite a bit of thinking, and I've come to the conclusion that I can no longer be judgemental of the relationships of other people and what they have or believe they have. My relationship with Dave has every right to be judged, because of the circumstances it developed in and considering how quickly it moved into comfortability and permanance. I've only known him for months and I'm still already prepared to spend the rest of my life with him. That isn't normal, and it isn't very smart.

...Then again, I never claimed to be very intelligent.

I'm completely wrapped up and I know I can't explain it, and I'd never want to escape it.



I never thought I'd live with someone before they had a ring on my finger and lifelong commitment to me. Then again after 19 years of being on this earth I've seen enough to know that a wedding band and some legal papers is no more of a commitment than what I currently have with Dave - only we're probably much happier than most couples that have those things. I swore I thought our living arrangements were only temporary, but what started as a temporary state of help turned into my first ever experience of being in love. And I couldn't let it go. I've believed to have been in love before. I've sworn up and down I've loved other guys in the past. I've told them, and professed it to others. Until you truly fall in love for the first time, and experience how different of a feeling it can be than everything you've ever imagined or seen in movies, and you realize that every devastating, make-you-cry-yourself-sick-or-to-sleep break up was completely worth it because it somehow led you to this one person that makes you happier than anybody should ever be allowed to make you. How laying in his arms is the best feeling you'll get all day, and the one thing you anxiously look forward to from the time you wake up in the morning. How all he has to do is look at you and you feel more loved than you've ever felt. How you could feel unattractive all day until you come home and he makes you feel like the most beautiful things he's ever layed on. You find yourself being happy only when he's happy. You find yourself remembering small things he notes throughout the day and noticing all of the little things he likes and doesn't like and accustoming yourself and your lifestyle to fit his needs and wants. To talk to him and know that he's actively listening to everything you say, and cares about it more than anybody else. I'm completely in love for the first time in my life, and with somebody I've known for only months.

I've had more people than not let me know that living together this soon is a terrible idea. I'm sure even more people than that have plenty to say about it behind my back. I don't care. I know it's not typically smart. I know it's not a very wise decision. But it isn't something I ever want to change. I want him to be the first thing I wake up to in the morning and the last thing I see when I go to sleep. I'm head over heels completely wrapped up in this other person, and to live with him, sleep beside him every night, and be the one person, out of the billions in this world, he chooses to come home to every day makes me the luckiest girl I know. It's beautiful, and it's now my life.


Nobody has to agree with us or believe that we'll make it. We don't need their approval. We know what we want and we know what we have and anybody with objection is only fueled by the jealousy in their hearts. I hated those couples before I met Dave, and it was only ever out of jealousy. so I understand it, and accept it. The only thing we have to worry about is us, and that in itself will eventually prove everybody wrong.

I'm happy. Truly, completely happy. and I believe that everything bad that has happened to me in the past few months, and all of the events leading up to all of it, led me to him. Had I never of broken out of my shell, moved out, and started this new life, I may have never met the one person I couldn't imagine a life without. And just imaging the possibility of things being so different makes me physically sick. If I could go back and change it all, I wouldn't. Because every bad thing was completely worth it.


We struggle a lot, and nothing is ever perfect. We bicker and fight on a pretty regular basis and he drives me crazier than almost anybody else. But he does more good for me than anything, and he makes me feel like the most special, prized woman on the planet. That isn't something you should ever give up should you find it. I understand that for a very long time I hated men with a burning passion that I couldn't even express. I wanted all men to know that they were all completely the same, and no matter how many people tried to tell me differently, I refused to listen and believe there was actually a good guy out there for me. After heartbreak after heartbreak, I couldn't allow myself to have any hope at all of something so incredible and amazing. I'm now coming to the conclusion that what they say is true; It will come when you least expect it. It did, and now I'll work every day of my life to keep it.

I'm just in love...