Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Bi-Polar


Today. What to say about today.
Well, one thing's for sure; it didn't start off well. Sarah was given an opportunity to see a very frustrated, grumpy, terribly awful side of me as I pranced all around town trying to find a cheap laptop charger.
I paid $60.00 and some gas money going everywhere. I don't find that to be very cheap.
Sarah is God-sent, I must confess. We were given the chance to discuss this whole "no kissing" thing I've been contemplating so much recently, and she said something that made a whole slew of sense. She explained that possibly for a period of time in my life, the no kissing vow applied. Maybe it was a conviction, for a season. To everything there is a season, yes? Maybe now I'm mature enough in Christ (though nowhere near what I could or should be) that I can control myself in a kissing situation and not allow it to slip down the crack between romance and sexual feelings. I'm not sure. I don't even know why it's really bothering me all that much. It just is. Maybe God's quietly speaking to me, and I'm just making it a bigger deal than it needs to be. I have a way of doing that very well; being complicated and such. Complication should have been one of my middle names.

Kristi Amber Complication Mickelle Hamby.

That sounds about right.


Everything else should fade away. At least that's what Paul tells me. Nothing matters but Christ is what he wrote and it was contained in today's devotion. Christ should matter, and everything else should be counted as loss. The popularity, riches, successes, achievements, acknowledgments. All of it is loss for Christ. Every bit. It's an easy "christian" thing to say, but when thoroughly analyzed and put into perspective, it's not so simply lived out. My confidence in the flesh will pick at me every time, and I prayed today that God would break down that barrier, that hindrance of confidence in my flesh.
I'm human, I really am.


I really don't have much to write on today. Well, I suppose I do, but nothing comes to mind at this moment. I'm skipping church, as much as I hate to do it. I woke this morning with this sickness still pounding in my body, and I wish it gone.
I've never really believed in wishes anyway.
I hope something big happens soon.


Initiate. I don't like that word today. It keeps being thrown out at me, and I wish it wouldn't do that. Am I being spoken to? Or is Satan enjoying himself in the character that he so loves to play out? I'm sure it's the first. I want to initiate.

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