Tuesday, June 24, 2008

My Treasure

I'd say that today has been an overall happy day. Aside from this awful head cold and a terribly messy room that I can't bring myself to clean, I'd like to say that I'm simply joyful. Things don't always go as they should, and they haven't today. But joy stays still. I like how Jesus does that for me. I spent a good time with Him out on the Hammock. He made me realize many things, and I'm thankful for it.
You see, I came to the realization today through my devotional that Jesus is my treasure. Yes, He's my Savior, He's my God...but He's also my friend, my treasure. He should be above all things. I call Him Savior, but He also calls me friend. There should be more to that than just "Jesus is my friend". It needs to mean something. Every word Jesus Christ spoke was important, and there was something to take from every bit of it. So what can we take from being Christ's friends? How do we make Him our treasure?
"No longer do I call you slaves, for the slave does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all things that I have heard from My Father I have made known to you." John 15:15
I started to analyze my life, my time, my devotion. I began thinking about the people in my life that I call friends. Sarah and Lizzy came to mind, and I began to think on the things I do to convey my friendship and love towards them. Sure, every once in a while I'll buy them an 'I'm thinking of you' gift or write them a friendship letter, but I know as well as they do that those things aren't what make me their friend. I show them friendship, true friend-love by the time I spend with them, the devotion I make to them, and the loyalty I give to them. My time, devotion, and loyalty are what make me a true friend. It's what defines me as someone they can love and trust.
Do I give Jesus the same?
This hit me hard, and really upset me. I do so much for the people I call my best friends, yet for the one who is to be my treasure, I so often turn away, reject, shame, and offend. I spit on the cross of Christ again and again, yet could never imagine hurting one of my best friends. I turn from the one that died for me, yet never turn a deaf ear towards Sarah. I love my best friends, and there isn't anything I wouldn't do for them; but why is it not the same for Christ? Why can I spend ten hours with Lizzy and never get tired, yet start yawning after fourty-five minutes in quiet time with Jesus? Why can I not devote ten hours to Christ and fourty-five minutes to my friends? Of course, this is not what God desires, that I lessen my time spent with those He's given me. Yet it IS His desire that I give Him my time, devotion, and loyalty, more-so than my earthly friends and family. How do I do this? What makes it hard? If I can truly call Christ my treasure, why am I not able to always be so willing to selflessly give up everything I desire to be with Him? This is really bothering me lately, and I know it's something I need to fix.
God help me give you my time. I want to call you friend as I do the others.

So I've been really struggling with this whole "no kissing until marriage" vow. I'm known for going back on decisions and vows. I can never stick to anything. I always give in. Well, not always, but so much of the time. I don't want to uphold that reputation. I want to break down those walls and prove to the world that I can stick with things, I can stand strong and not give in.

So why am I now struggling so hard with this one particular thing? I don't want to look like an idiot by going back on a word. Of course, I'm not saying that it's what I'm doing. But after long talks with both Samantha and my mom, I'm starting to have my eyes opened to things I didn't really see before. I'm starting to realize that maybe it was never a conviction, but simply an "I read it in a book and it sounds like a fairytale....the Christian thing to do". Maybe I just wanted to seem "holy". Is that what this whole "no kissing" thing was all about in the first place?

I'm definetly not changing my mind because I'm stuck in a situation where i want to kiss. I have nobody to kiss even if that were the reason. I'm not in a relationship. I'm not in a circumstance where I can convieniently change my convictions to fit my fleshly desires. Therefore, I'm not having as hard of a time with the possibility of changing my mind.

Do I really have to wait? Is it really ungodly to have a goodnight, romantic kiss before I say "I do"? I'd like to think not. Why is it that it's my standard, yet I see it as no problem for everybody else? Why is it that I discourage myself from kissing before marriage, yet encourage everyone else to do it? Does this prove that it is no conviction? Will I be going against my own religion or God's true conviction? What's the Holy Spirit telling me? I'm so lost in my own spiritual mind. I don't know what's right or wrong anymore. Then again, what's right or wrong is never the correct question, right Sadie?


Oh, I'm not understanding my own self lately. I don't want to go back on anything. I don't want to seem as though I'm backing down from a conviction. Of course, the opinion of others shouldn't phase me. They should all be used to it by now anyway. I should probably stop worrying about it all. It doesn't really apply to me right now. Yet I also feel the need to make these important guidelines and standards before I get into a relationship in the future, so I know exactly what I can and cannot do before I'm put in a situation to make a decision.

God, i can't do this alone. I feel so lost in all of it. Help?


Mara said...

I will admit, this is something i often struggle with and something that I myself am deeply convicted of. I mean, not just the whole kissing thing, I mean the whole searching for a meaningful relationship or simply a little companionship. I find myself desiring the physical because it is the embodiment of the emotional. But doesn't scripture tell us that God can provide for ALL our needs according to HIS glorious riches?
This is what I struggle with, and even if it is only slighly akin to what you are struggling with, thank you for this. It comforted me.

Sadie said...

As much as this doesn't help right now (yet it will, I promise), you know that you just need to pray. God will show you the WISE thing to do.

I'm praying for you so much girl. Hang in there and feel better already!<3

Sadie said...

I'm kinda like... commenting you back. because i dont know how else to get ahold of you. Well I could get back on AIM, or text, but I'm too lazy since I'm already writing this.

but thanks!
andddddddd. that verse is on your mirror, in your bathroom.

wanna know how i know that? BECAUSE I'VE BEEN THERE! hahahahahloveyou.