So I've been really struggling with this whole "no kissing until marriage" vow. I'm known for going back on decisions and vows. I can never stick to anything. I always give in. Well, not always, but so much of the time. I don't want to uphold that reputation. I want to break down those walls and prove to the world that I can stick with things, I can stand strong and not give in.
So why am I now struggling so hard with this one particular thing? I don't want to look like an idiot by going back on a word. Of course, I'm not saying that it's what I'm doing. But after long talks with both Samantha and my mom, I'm starting to have my eyes opened to things I didn't really see before. I'm starting to realize that maybe it was never a conviction, but simply an "I read it in a book and it sounds like a fairytale....the Christian thing to do". Maybe I just wanted to seem "holy". Is that what this whole "no kissing" thing was all about in the first place?
I'm definetly not changing my mind because I'm stuck in a situation where i want to kiss. I have nobody to kiss even if that were the reason. I'm not in a relationship. I'm not in a circumstance where I can convieniently change my convictions to fit my fleshly desires. Therefore, I'm not having as hard of a time with the possibility of changing my mind.
Do I really have to wait? Is it really ungodly to have a goodnight, romantic kiss before I say "I do"? I'd like to think not. Why is it that it's my standard, yet I see it as no problem for everybody else? Why is it that I discourage myself from kissing before marriage, yet encourage everyone else to do it? Does this prove that it is no conviction? Will I be going against my own religion or God's true conviction? What's the Holy Spirit telling me? I'm so lost in my own spiritual mind. I don't know what's right or wrong anymore. Then again, what's right or wrong is never the correct question, right Sadie?
Oh, I'm not understanding my own self lately. I don't want to go back on anything. I don't want to seem as though I'm backing down from a conviction. Of course, the opinion of others shouldn't phase me. They should all be used to it by now anyway. I should probably stop worrying about it all. It doesn't really apply to me right now. Yet I also feel the need to make these important guidelines and standards before I get into a relationship in the future, so I know exactly what I can and cannot do before I'm put in a situation to make a decision.
God, i can't do this alone. I feel so lost in all of it. Help?