Tuesday, September 23, 2008

FALLing In Love

Before you read this, know that most of it was written of my flesh, and not my spirit. I need to be more in the spirit when I write. But, I preached on transparency in my last post. I'm going to be transparent right now.

There's something wonderfully terrible about the fall weather.
I can never decide if I love it or hate it.

I walk out my door and it isn't just the air that's changed. It seems to be everything. Fall just seems like the season for complete change. Where nothing is what it's always been. Change isn't always so bad.
Sometimes it's the worse.

Maybe what I hate about it is the fact I feel like I'm supposed to be in love. Am I the only one who thinks that if you're going to fall in love, it should be in the fall? Doesn't Autumn explode with little romance vibes? I'm not sure. But I think it's there. There's just something about it. Am I crazy?

I'm indifferent about now facing a season of singleness. God can do miraculous things in your single years. And all the advice I'm getting from those married around me tell me to take advantage of these single times - because everything changes once you're married. But maybe I want things to change. I don't know. I was perfectly fine for nearly three years. Singleness seemed like a piece of cake. And though I knew I wanted someone, I was perfectly content on my own. I could have easily stayed single for another few years without too much desperation.

...And then everything change. Being single changed. At first it was hard - very hard. And then it became comfortable. It became easy. It became very normal. And I liked that.

God has a funny way of getting us out of our comfortability, doesn't He?

Now the switch has flipped. Singleness feels awkward and painful. It's no longer comfortable and easy. It's suddenly become almost something of an evil sort. I love my Jesus, don't get me wrong. And His love is more than sufficient enough to wake up to every morning. But I can't help but, with every passing moment, feel annoyed and unprepared for the single season ahead of me. Because I feel so surely that it will be a long one. I don't know that I can go another three years. I was hoping to have already been married in three years. Of course, that is my flesh...

...and the wants of your flesh and the desires of your heart can be very deceitful.

I'm only seventeen.
I'm only seventeen.
I'm only seventeen.

I feel so abnormal. Most kids my age never allow marriage to cross their minds. It's not important. Why can't I be like that? Is this truly a desire placed in my heart by Father Himself? Did He place it so strongly so that I could ever more-so trust in Him and lean on Him during this time of singleness? Is that what it is? God never does anything to tease or hurt us. But maybe He's given me this desire so strong during my time of singleness as a way of completely trusting in Him and allowing Him to fill that hole I'm feeling being without another. Finding the one is all I ever think about anymore.
Is that unhealthy?

Transparency will tell you I'm petrified.

I'm only seventeen.

I wish I could figure out my feelings on Autumn. If I really do like it, I want to realize that now so I can enjoy it...

...Florida fall never lasts very long.

My flesh wants mnms, Johnny Depp, and Disney movies to fix all of this.
My spirit yearns for God's Word.

Let's road trip, someone.
The beach sounds so lovely.

I'm so in the flesh today.
I just threw a hissy fit because I accidentally put my Johnny Depp movie in the mail today, and I was REALLY looking forward to drowning my sorrows in it.
God said that's what His Word is for.
I really need to get that.


Joseph said...

Like 21 Jumpstreet? Donnie Brasco? Sweeney Todd?

I don't really watch movies anymore, but I used to be a big movie buff.

I would just like to say that there is nothing wrong with wanting to get married right now. Absolutely nothing.

Age doesn't have much to do with it. Your culture should not dictate your life. Our culture says wait, get settled, enjoy the single life, go to college, which all equals "live for yourself."

Don't get me wrong, that stuff is all and good, but I'm of the mindset of preparing myself for my 'wife to be.' If the desire for marriage is there, don't worry about it. Let it be there, if it's not of Him, He'll take care of it. And if it is of Him, He'll take care of it. You know that :)

Of course, that doesn't mean go out husband hunting, I think you should wait, he'll find you.

Or maybe he has and you just haven't realized it, and of course neither has he. I don't know.

If you don't mind me asking though, how did this come about so abruptly? You and Joel that is.

Joseph said...

Oh, and umm...why doesn't anyone else comment on these things, I know you got like a bunch of people that read it.

Does all your friends and famliy think I'm a raging crazy calvinist? Or have they got bored with my long post? Or just don't care?

Hello you, person that sits quietly watching the action go down. Hi there. Yes, I see you.

I'm sorry, it's late, I'm tired and I gotta read for class.

Oh, I fell in love last Autumn. So did Johnny Depp. sorry, I guess autumn doesn't like you .... :(

but hey, at least there's ...the cold cold winter *ahem*


Joseph said...

or do they all dislike me for causing you so much grief?

Kristi said...

A. Sweeney Todd

B. How did what come so abruptly? Our breakup? Has he not talked to you about it?

C. And a few others read my blog...and my grandmother actually reads it religiously....she doesn't comment...but she always sends E-mail responses. I don't think she realizes that she can comment without a profile, lol.

D. You're crazy