I wish I could post something incredibly interesting with a ton of new pictures...
I'm so sick of this pity party I've been throwing myself for the past week. I'm ready to just get over it and stop being such a wimp. Like so what? Life is life. That's all there is to it. I need to get a grip and move on already. I've been so drained and so fatigued both physically and emotionally. Tonight, during 'worship' time, God spoke. And I love to hear His voice;
"Kristi, I am here and I am worthy. Let your suffering be used for my glory. Stop feeling bad for yourself. It's not about you. It's about Me. I'm here to comfort you, but let my comfort be enough. Let me shine through you despite how you're feeling. I haven't changed. I haven't left. I'm still your God and I'm still good enough for you. My love is higher, wider, deeper, and truer than any other love. People leave. People fail you. So-called 'loves' in your life will walk out on you. But I'm the only one that will remain. I will continually be with you despite anything that happens. My love is unconditional. I will never leave. I will never walk out. And that should be enough. Stop moping over failed attempts at love and start rejoicing in my never ending love. It's enough, I promise. I'm enough. So take me, and forget the rest. Because at the end of the day, I'm still here."
Okay, so I know that's a lot, but it's what I heard, and it was beautiful. It was refreshing. I actually fell to my knees, in that moment, with everyone around (including the 10 year old boys on the side making fun of me) and began to weep, crying out to God and pleading for His forgiveness for me having been so selfish lately. I repented of my pity-party and asked that He be glorified. My eyes were opened to His being enough, His love being the truest when no other love seemed to be. His love runs so much deeper and truer than any love I claim myself to have or give. God is love, He is the very essence and reality of it. And that alone is fulfilling enough.
God broke me. And it felt wonderful;
I was fallen from the first
I am not a stranger to the darkness
Walked the road of prodigals
And crawled upon my knees to You
From the ashes and the dirt
You fashion beauty from the wounds I’ve carried
Nothing lost, and all redeemed in You
Beautifully broken in Your eyes
You see the man my sins disguise
You took my place
You saved my life
Miraculous love, sweet sacrifice
You were beautifully broken
So You see me as Your own
Holy in the light of Your redemption
By the blood and by the thorn
We’re called to life
In this weakness You find strength
You find sinners who are saints
And I find amazing grace
In this sacrifice
In this death is life
Beautifully Broken - This Beautiful Republic
I asked God to heal my broken heart tonight.
I think He did a wonderful job.
Okay so no more depressing blogs. No more pity party. Let's just get over it, yeah?
PS - More Calvinism talk soon ;)
I know you all love it so much. I haven't read my book in what seems like forever.
PS pt2 - Joe, I'm still working on your paper. I'm a very busy woman these days.
Okay end. Time for sum 'nilla ice cream!