Saturday, October 11, 2008

Goodmorning, God

Jesus, I'm falling more in love with you every day. You're everything I need.

Last night I forgot to take my NyQuil. Which somehow resulted in me staying up all night long. What started as a few movies before bed ended up being an entire all-nighter. I tried laying down, but the concerns of life crowded my mind and I couldn't do anything to sleep. I was wide awake, and there was no stopping that. I decided to watch Legally Blonde 2 (I had already watched the first one) until the sunrise, and then spend a welcoming morning burst with my Savior outside.

It was glorious, and I wouldn't have traded it for the world.

By 7 AM the sun was coming up, and it was light enough to read my Bible outside. I put on my robe (it was nippy), made a hot tea, picked up my Word and my notebook and sat outside to welcome the sun my God brought up for today. My words cannot describe the intimacy I partook in this morning with my God; my Daddy. I read Psalms aloud, using them as my prayers. God led to me to one of the most beautiful passages in His book. Lately I've been struggling to find the medium that connect God's sovereignty and powerfulness with His grace and His love. I've been searching for how to admire all of God's attributes as His Character, rather than focusing on one or the other. He showed me this this morning;

Psalm 18

I will love You, O LORD, my strength.
The LORD is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer;
My God, my strength, in whom I will trust;
My shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.
I will call upon the LORD, who is worthy to be praised;
So shall I be saved from my enemies.
The pangs of death surrounded me,
And the floods of ungodliness made me afraid.
The sorrows of Sheol surrounded me;
The snares of death confronted me.
In my distress I called upon the LORD,
And cried out to my God;
He heard my voice from His temple,
And my cry came before Him, even to His ears.
Then the earth shook and trembled;
The foundations of the hills also quaked and were shaken,
Because He was angry.
Smoke went up from His nostrils,
And devouring fire from His mouth;
Coals were kindled by it.
He bowed the heavens also, and came down
With darkness under His feet.
And He rode upon a cherub, and flew;
He flew upon the wings of the wind.
He made darkness His secret place;
His canopy around Him was dark waters
And thick clouds of the skies.
From the brightness before Him,
His thick clouds passed with hailstones and coals of fire.
The LORD thundered from heaven,
And the Most High uttered His voice,
Hailstones and coals of fire.
He sent out His arrows and scattered the foe,
Lightnings in abundance, and He vanquished them.
Then the channels of the sea were seen,
The foundations of the world were uncovered
At Your rebuke, O LORD,
At the blast of the breath of Your nostrils.
He sent from above, He took me;
He drew me out of many waters.
He delivered me from my strong enemy,
From those who hated me,
For they were too strong for me.
They confronted me in the day of my calamity,
But the LORD was my support.
He also brought me out into a broad place;
He delivered me because He delighted in me.
The LORD rewarded me according to my righteousness;
According to the cleanness of my hands
He has recompensed me.
For I have kept the ways of the LORD,
And have not wickedly departed from my God.
For all His judgments were before me,
And I did not put away His statutes from me.
I was also blameless before Him,
And I kept myself from my iniquity.
Therefore the LORD has recompensed me according to my righteousness,
According to the cleanness of my hands in His sight.
With the merciful You will show Yourself merciful;
With a blameless man You will show Yourself blameless;
With the pure You will show Yourself pure;
And with the devious You will show Yourself shrewd.
For You will save the humble people,
But will bring down haughty looks.
For You will light my lamp;
The LORD my God will enlighten my darkness.
For by You I can run against a troop,
By my God I can leap over a wall.
As for God, His way is perfect;
The word of the LORD is proven;
He is a shield to all who trust in Him.
For who is God, except the LORD?
And who is a rock, except our God?
It is God who arms me with strength,
And makes my way perfect.
He makes my feet like the feet of deer,
And sets me on my high places.
He teaches my hands to make war,
So that my arms can bend a bow of bronze.
You have also given me the shield of Your salvation;
Your right hand has held me up,
Your gentleness has made me great.
You enlarged my path under me,
So my feet did not slip.
I have pursued my enemies and overtaken them;
Neither did I turn back again till they were destroyed.
I have wounded them,
So that they could not rise;
They have fallen under my feet.
For You have armed me with strength for the battle;
You have subdued under me those who rose up against me.
You have also given me the necks of my enemies,
So that I destroyed those who hated me.
They cried out, but there was none to save;
Even to the LORD, but He did not answer them.
Then I beat them as fine as the dust before the wind;
I cast them out like dirt in the streets.
You have delivered me from the strivings of the people;
You have made me the head of the nations;
A people I have not known shall serve me.
As soon as they hear of me they obey me;
The foreigners submit to me.
The foreigners fade away,
And come frightened from their hideouts.
The LORD lives!
Blessed be my Rock!
Let the God of my salvation be exalted.
It is God who avenges me,
And subdues the peoples under me;
He delivers me from my enemies.
You also lift me up above those who rise against me;
You have delivered me from the violent man.
Therefore I will give thanks to You, O LORD, among the Gentiles,
And sing praises to Your name.
Great deliverance He gives to His king,
And shows mercy to His anointed,
To David and his descendants forevermore.

Check you out, God!

This Psalm led me to such a bigger understanding, such a way of joining both attributes of God together as one God who is so much greater than I can comprehend. I started this verse, reading it aloud on my back porch, sitting in awe and wonder at how mighty my God truly is. And by the end of it, I was left with such a grateful heart, such a broken heart over my unworthiness of His love and mercy, of His lovingkindess. He is able to do all, and still delights in loving me. It is the most beautiful mystery of God, of who He is. It is His nature to go outside of our boxes, to extend beyond categories and molds. God is greater. God is able to be everything He is and in the most beautifully perfect way imaginable. God is God, and it's wonderful.

I had such thankfulness in my heart for the time we spent together this morning. For the beautiful air He allowed me to breathe in. For the moments we shared, just allowing me to enjoy His presence and feel Him next to me.

As I prayed, I looked about His creation in my own backyard, and saw the very smile of God beaming in my direction. I felt God's pleasure, God's excitement in the beauty He had displayed before my eyes. He smiled. He has the most radiant of all smiles, my God does. Throughout the day I have been exhausted and still very sick. My illness has only decreased, and I am left here feeling defeated and physically fatigued. I know there will be no waking up tomorrow morning. I also missed Disney World this weekend due to my being sick. Yet in all this sickness, in all the pain and missing out on fun, I would never have traded this morning for anything else. Had I of not stayed home this weekend, sick and rather bored, I wouldn't have spent such a glorious, close, wonderful time with Jesus. I wouldn't have experienced Him as I did this morning. I am beyond thankful. I thank God I was sick. I thank God I did not go to Disney. I thank God that because of those things, we spent time together, and I had the opportunity to grow in Him and feel loved by Him.

I wish I could express to you what it feels like to be loved by such a sovereign Creator. I wish you could know. I wish all would see it, all would feel, all would taste and see that God is good. I wish all to be loved and cherished by a God so loving and kind as He. There are days when I wish to not feel it at all for the sake of another feeling it in my place. I am so unworthy and unable to attain this on my own. I felt almost unworthy to even open God's word and read it's letters. I felt so unworthy to speak the very words that God had exhaled into those pages. The most rewarding experience; to know your unworthiness and receive the greatest blessing in God still (and excitedly) allowing you the experience.

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