Monday, October 6, 2008


There is something undeniably wonderful about chasing after God. It's funny how the sayings you've heard all your life suddenly one day become a reality, shown in a new light as never understood. Chasing after God has taken on a completely new meaning. I've been given insights. What's funny about this, is that these insights are not answers. In fact, they are the opposite. My insights are revealing that I cannot obtain the answers I've been so desperately searching for. God's brought me through hours upon hours of studies and sleepless nights only to bring me to a point in our relationship that tells me I can know nothing in light of what there really is to know. I must be comfortable, not complacent, in every bit of mystery I am consumed in.

My Consuming Fire.

I am completely lost in God's perplexity, His being so much beyond my small mind. I am so very small. This is what puzzles me beyond it all;

When trying so hard to find the answers to theology, to intellect, to set doctrine, I was more aggravated and upset than the state I am now which tells me I actually know nothing. Back when I thought I had it all figured out, I was drowning in sorrow from it. Answers buy me nothing. But now, being completely absent from any set knowledge, but instead, further from knowing anything about the operations of my Father, I am comfortable, content, and in complete awe. I am swimming in the beauty of God's enigma. When I explain this, the only mental picture I am given is myself, amongst blackness that I cannot comprehend, yet the stars shining brightly among it keep me in wonder, in amazement, in attraction towards it, hungering for even more of the blackness, that those star lights would shine brighter, drawing me closer, opening my eyes to more.

The catch is, I will never obtain it all. The star lights will never expose all of the blackness or it's meaning. They will never reveal all, but reveal more beauty in that they shine brighter amongst darker skies.

And God knows I've always had a thing for His stars.

I cannot help myself. All I can do is talk about my Father. He's all I want to talk about. He's everything I can conjure up in my head and on my lips. I prayed last night that I would dream dreams of only Him. He's capturing my heart in ways I've never known. He's revealing to me how mysterious, how outside of my mind He is. He is not like me at all. He is far beyond that. I am seeing that so much more clearly now, something that isn't so clear at all. I'm making no sense, I'm sure. It's because God makes no sense. Not to me, at least. He is so intricate, so complex, I just cannot grasp it. And it, in some strange way, causes my stomach to flutter, my lips to smile, and my heart to fall deeper in love with my Savior.

I am mentally blasted looking at the reality that I am the daughter of such intricacy.

His mystery is all I'll ever need to keep me longing after His very name, seeking His face, desiring His whispers.

God I want your voice always.


Joseph said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Joseph said...

what's ironic about this post is that it's kinda vague. which is similar to mysterious

L __/ []\
LOL----___ \
L \__________]

i found that earlier this morning and decided i should use it, cause it's cool.

When I say it's vague, I mean like I don't actually know what you're talking about, I know that God is mysterious, but what was the experience in other words that led to that. Heh.

As far as the paper is concerned, thanks for helping. And you shall be pardoned only this once for your lateness... *ahem* :D

Lecrae's new cd is pretty awesome. You should get it. And remember, when the lightpole under the october wake into the saia, just central the floral notepad.

Joseph said...

that rofl copter isn't working out

Kristi said...

Well this post was written in light of my last post. My change of heart recently as far as all of these theological discussions and studies goes. I haven't changed my beliefs, per say, regarding salvation...but I have realized that I do not have the answers like I thought I did. I will never ever understand how God can give man a choice to receive Him and at the same time predestine him to salvation. Just like I will never understand how God is three persons in one, or how He never had a beginning, or how He can pay intimate attention to billions of people around the world at once. These things blow my mind and I couldn't ever comprehend them.

In my studies, aiming to basically refute Calvinism, God suddenly brought me into a different direction. He didn't change my head knowledge. He changed my heart knowledge. He showed me that no matter how much I study, or how much I conclude, I will never get Him the way that He could be gotten in His fullness. He basically told me that trying to gain all the knowledge about how He works salvation would be empty wastes of time because I will never ever be able to understand how He does it. The five points in Calvinism and the firve points in Arminianism will never explain God's salvation plan...not even come close. Because we, as humans, cannot grasp His glory and intricacy. He's above that. He gives us what we can understand, but in the same light knows that we can't even understand what He gives us.

I was telling Joel last night;

It's like the statement "Jesus died on the cross." We can understand that. We can picture it. It's a reality to us. It really isn't a mystery, because we've got all the bases covered when we explain it.

Yet, at the exact same time, I will never grasp the entirety of the statement. I will never understand how much beauty and just outstanding love is placed in God dying on a tree. My mind cannot comprehend it. It's too beyond me, because everything God does is so beyond me. He, in Himself, is so very mysterious. And everything He does is mysterious, because we couldn't ever grasp Him alone in His entirety.

I'm rambling on at this point, haha. When I get a kick on something, I tend to want to talk about nothing but it.

Joseph said...

oh. ok. cool.