Thursday, October 23, 2008

Unqualification



Sometimes I feel so unqualified for giving godly advice.




I met with a very heartbroken friend this afternoon. He called me up, asking me to meet him. His girlfriend had suddenly and out-of-nowhere broken up with him, and he was just crushed. So we met for coffee and talked. I gave him every piece of cliche christian advice. I gave him every piece of advice that I've already heard, going through a similar situation to his. And every bit of it I've had the hardest time actually following. With the comfort God gives us, we're to comfort others. Yet I feel so unqualified for that job. From one heartbroken person to another, from one christian sister to another christian brother, I wanted so badly to give him all of the perfect advice for moving on, getting over it, trusting God, leaning on Him. It's so cliche until you're actually living in it. It's so nonsensical and inapplicable until you are delving in and being drenched by God's goodness and fullness of joy through difficult times.

Sometimes I wish I didn't write blogs and devotions on relationships, on break-ups, heartbreaks. I don't think I've done it wrong, but I don't think I've done it right. I don't know what to think anymore. I feel like I have no authority, no power to profess any words of wisdom in that department, because I can't seem to succeed it in for myself. I never have. I've always been terrible with relationships, and even worse with break-ups. I don't handle anything right. I'm a mess. And there I am, posting blogs to the world about how to engage in godly relationships, how to make Christ number one, and how to survive failed relationships. I post such writings on how to enter into a courtship that will last. I was so confident that it was possible for everyone to enter into one courtship and make it work into a marriage. I was so confident that you didn't have to meet and date numerous people before you found the one.

Now, I really don't know what to be confident in anymore.
Everything is changing. Including my understanding of what God's really trying to tell me. Because I've been so terribly wrong about that one lately.



Yes, I'm fallible. And I will always readily admit it. It is only by the strength of Christ in me that I can breathe, nonetheless walk in His ways. Yet on days like today, when I'm being turned towards for help, I can't even speak outside of cliches. I just don't know what I'm doing anymore. I honestly don't. I'm at such a loss as to what steps to take next. God's got me where He wants me. But where is He taking me? How do I handle this stuff? Where do I go? Who do I turn to? I've got fallible advice from fallible men all around me. All the while God Himself is keeping hidden His plan. Who am I to talk back to the God that knows more about me than I know of myself? He is always over me, and that's what I need to get. I keep wanting to take control. I keep wanting to base my future on false notions and assumptions, ideas and seemingly christian ways. All the while He's got something I don't even know in store for me.




I'm just ready to meet him already.
Father, where is he? And how long will I wait?

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