My mom always called me a social butterfly growing up. I held that title proudly. On almost all of my report cards and progress reports I received the little comment on the back stating that I "talked too much during class." I've always been a sociable person. I've always enjoyed being around people, getting to know others, making new friends. It's just been programmed into my personality to love people and love getting to know them.
Lately I've been so anti-social it kills me. Not only do I not enjoy meeting and getting to know new people, but I don't even desire to spend time with the ones I do know. It's like all I want to do is come into work, keep to myself, then go home and watch TV or scrapbook. I suppose my mental, physical, and emotional exhaustion is probably majorly contributing to this lack of sociability. But regardless, I'm becoming a hermit. And I've had the most un-Christlike attitude lately of not liking people. Honest; I really just don't like people right now. I don't like the friends I have that aren't acting like friends. I don't like the friends I'm trying to make that really seem to have no interest in me at all. I'm annoyed with caddy girls and tired of flaky boys. I'm just so annoyed and frustrated with people lately that all I want to do is get away from them. I don't want to be social. I don't want to hang out. I'd rather keep to myself. It feels like an occupation anymore just trying to maintain relationships with people. I feel burdened and weighed down by even the thought of spending a long period of time with another human being. Even conversations with coworkers begin to feel redundant and bland. I'd almost rather just talk to myself.
I pray this is just a phase. Because it's an absolutely horrible way to think and live. But in this moment of time, I'd prefer just keep to myself.
Now don't get me wrong. I most certainly have a heart for people as far as seeing them live for Jesus. Participating in the event of lost souls being found is something I crave and adore witnessing. I've such a love for people in my heart in the Kingdom aspect. But it extends nowhere past the point of salvation. When it comes down to simple and casual relationship, with believers and non believers alike, I've no desire to delve in.
Isn't that sad?
Give me a holy avarice to redeem the time,
to awake at every call to charity and piety,
so that I may feed the hungry,
clothe the naked,
instruct the ignorant,
reclaim the vicious,
forgive the offender,
diffuse the gospel,
show neighborly love to all.