Sunday, March 1, 2009

All The Same

I was told once or twice that not all men are the same.
I'm waiting for one to come around that can actually prove that to me.

I meet guys all the time. I've honestly always liked being around guys more-so than girls. Maybe it's because I'm just a natural flirt, or possibly because most girls are just plain caddy. Nevertheless, I've always felt the need to make strong bonds with guys. I gravitate towards them and secretly beg for their friendship or affection. Time and time again I've been hurt by them. Started with my father, my brother, and numerous crushes and boyfriends. They've never failed to let me down and leave me broken. Yet I always seem to pick back up, move on, and give another one a chance. I always like to give the benefit of a doubt, because "not all guys are the same."

I'm almost just fed up. I really am. I don't want to become one of those women that have been so hurt and abused by men that she actually transforms into this male-hating being. But I slowly feel myself falling into that. If you were to ask me right now, in this moment, how I feel about men, I would tell you that I hate them all. I actually said today that I hated someone specific of the male gender - and I never use that word...ever. I'm starting to become so hard towards all of them. It isn't just the worldly men. It's the christian men too. It's the men that I look at and think, "they don't have a hurtful bone in their God-loving body" and yet they often leave me most broken. I'm scared of making relationships with any guys because I'm so scared they will not last.

Lately this male friend of mine, someone I've known for five months or so, hasn't been talking to me as much. When I first met him he'd text me daily. He would text just to chat. He works in the mall as well, and we would talk all of the time. But within these past couple of weeks he's really stopped all of that. The texts stopped. The attempts to hang out stopped. Everything just kind of stopped. And he'd only talk to me if I first talked to him. So today I go up to him and ask him what's been up with him lately. He was beating around the bush until finally I just looked at him and said "if you don't want me to talk to you I won't..."

I said that not realizing that his actual reply would be "I don't."
I just turned around and walked away, speechless.

People can tell me "you don't need friends like that" all they want. Or talking about bad relationships and let me know that I can "do better" in the boyfriend realm. That's great and dandy. Regardless of that, though, I still feel bad. Because I'm not being turned down for looks. I'm being turned down for personality. That's what hits the hardest.

It happens every time. I meet a guy and he's so physically attracted to me and makes it obvious. I'll put it out there that I am a very modest person when it comes to my appearance. I don't really find myself all that pretty. Sure, I'm not ugly, but I don't look at myself in the mirror every day and tell myself I'm beautiful. In fact, just this morning while deciding what to wear, I looked at my reflection and cried. I felt incredibly unattractive when I left my house this afternoon. So when I talk about others finding me attractive, it isn't gloating on my part. Guys will meet me and like what they see. They'll do everything they can to get to know me. They'll tell me how awesome I seem, how great I might be. And then they get to know me. As soon as that happens, they bolt. It's like they can only take a few months of me. Then I get old. I get boring. I'm not as pretty as I first was. And the only thing I can conjure up in my mind is that my personality is not to their liking. Something about me, beyond my looks, turns them off and they go running. The last guy? He told me he was bored with me. The guy before that has made it more than clear to me that he's perfectly fine without me. Now I've got a guy friend telling me he'd rather not talk to me anymore? What's wrong with me? That's the only thing I can ask myself anymore.

I constantly walk around feeling like there is something terribly wrong with me. It's like I've got some hidden disease that guys don't see until I let them in. And once they get to know me a little bit, they're scared they'll catch it and bolt. I've always thought that my personality outweighed my appearance. And now I'm starting to believe it's the opposite. When I walk in the mall or anywhere else for that matter, and guys turn their heads to look at me, the only thing I can think is "you wouldn't stick around very long." It's like I see them wanting to get to know me because they like what they see. And then once they do, they leave. And I'm left feeling broken, confused, and ugly inside.

Jesus, you're the only man that ever makes me feel beautiful anymore.
Will I ever find that in an earthly man?

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