Monday, April 13, 2009

I've Picked Up Coloring

...Along with a Red Bull addiction, and the desire to go on spontaneous trips every week.

Last week I left work one evening and decided I needed to get out of Gainesville. So I woke up at 5 AM Monday morning, got my stuff together, and left for Aunt Nee Nee's house in Jacksonville for a couple of days. I wish I were back there. I feel like Gainesville has gotten so boring. And I feel like it's gotten bored of me. I miss my friends. Because even though they are here, I feel like they're gone. I feel like I'm losing all of them, and it's my fault. It isn't just boys anymore. It's everybody. I could be reading things wrong. Maybe I'm self conscious. I don't know what it is. But I feel like I'm losing any spark I have inside, and everybody is noticing. I question my own best friends, and their care for me as their own best friend. I wonder if I even take that title in their lives anymore, and I feel as though I do not. I'm being mocked by people I thought were my friends, and I don't think they could care any less whether or not I'm around. What happened to me?

I have a terrible headache.

I wonder if any man will ever be able to love me enough to want to marry me. I feel as though my own best friends, those who know me best, don't even show such deep interest and concern in me as I do for them. How can anybody else even want to know me at such a deep level? I contemplated marriage while driving to work the other day and realized how intense such an institution really is. I have to stand out so much in another human being's eyes that they want to spend the rest of their life with me alone. Someone must find me so beautiful, so amazing, so inspiring, that I stand out more than any other woman he meets. How can one become such in another one's eyes? Can I really be that wonderful to another person? Will I ever be found on such a high level?

Every spark has gone out.

I color all the time now. I feel like a five year old at work with my box of 96 crayons and a princess coloring book. Filling in green polka dots on dragons and blond hair on damsels in distress. It's somewhat therapeutic, and when I'm doing it I'm thinking about nothing else but the colors. Brick Red, Wild Strawberry, Razzmatazz, Magenta, Pine Green, Jungle Green...

Little girl fourteen flipping through a magazine
Says she wants to look that way
But her hair isn’t straight her body isn’t fake
And she’s always felt overweight

Well little girl fourteen I wish that you could see
That beauty is within your heart
And you were made with such care your skin your body and your hair
Are perfect just the way they are

There could never be a more beautiful you
Don’t buy the lies disguises and hoops they make you jump through
You were made to fill a purpose that only you could do
So there could never be a more beautiful you

Little girl twenty-one the things that you’ve already done
Anything to get ahead
And you say you’ve got a man but he’s got another plan
Only wants what you will do instead

Well little girl twenty-one you never thought that this would come
You starve yourself to play the part
But I can promise you there’s a man whose love is true
And he’ll treat you like the jewel you are

So turn around you’re not too far
To back away be who you are
To change your path go another way
It’s not too late you can be saved
If you feel depressed with past regrets
The shameful nights hope to forget
Can disappear they can all be washed away
By the one who’s strong can right your wrongs
Can rid your fears dry all your tears
And change the way you look at this big world
He will take your dark distorted view
And with His light He will show you truth
And again you’ll see through the eyes of a little girl

I was asked out on a date the other night.
I declined.

I feel like the only one I wish so desperately would show interest, only seems to see right past me.

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