Saturday, May 23, 2009

Never Trust an Addict



Some people never change.


I believe that there comes a point in an addict's life that they stop comprehending the hurt they cause others, and get themselves in so deep that they even deceive themselves into believing they are doing okay for themselves. It's as though the deeper they sink, the easier it is for them to believe themselves to be something so much better, so much more than what they really they are.


Early Saturday morning I woke up in a hotel room on the beach with my mom in Tampa. We drove down Friday night to go to the memorial get-together for my Uncle Danny (who passed away May 7th). It was fully my decision to go; I wanted to see my brother. I also knew that this meant seeing my father - which wasn't something I wanted at all, but something I would deal with. My father is an alcoholic and a drug addict who signed me over to my step father when I was 8 years old and gave up his rights fully as my dad. It was probably the only good thing he ever did for me. I don't have any good memories with my dad. When I think of him I see him yelling at me because I'm a young child that doesn't want to eat her vegetables, and the alcohol in his body is causing a violent rage to overcome the role he was given as a father. Or I'm seeing him running to get into a car that I am left waiting in because he is out making some sort of a drug exchange. I see him tucking me into bed late at night, and then seeing blue and red lights flashing out of my window, him kissing me on the forehead and leaving me scared and crying on the floor. I'm seeing him look me in the eyes and make promises that he can never keep. I'm seeing him tell me he loves me more than anything in the world, and I'm seeing me not believe him. When I think of my dad, there is nothing positive that comes into my mind. I've beyond forgiven my dad for the life he chose over me, but I will never again enter into any type of a relationship with him. Anything we could have ever had as a father and daughter was burned down years ago. And I am okay with that.


My brother, on the other hand, I miss. He's always held such a special place in my heart. And regardless of how many times he acted just like my father...regardless of how many times he walked out on me, made me cry, and made promises he only later broke, I still want nothing more than to be close with him and have a relationship with him. I love him very much.


So, regardless of the fact that my father was going to be at Uncle Danny's memorial, this was my chance to see the brother that left me nearly six years ago. I can't begin to tell you of the butterflies that flipped around inside my stomach as I waited in the moments that led up to the reunion of two very distant siblings.


I don't want to type out the entire story. To be honest, I don't know the whole story, and I probably never will. But I can say that I was let down once again. I saw my brother for a good hour before he took off again. My father, on the other hand, never even came. He preferred to, rather than see his only daughter and honor the death of his only brother, get dropped off at a bar and drown himself the in the very poison that's cost him everything good he's ever had. I cried that day; several times. I wondered how many chances they'd be given before they'd realize what they were doing. And then I realized for myself that I didn't want to find out.


I have a family that loves me and cherishes me. I have a family that wouldn't walk out on me for anything in the world. I have a family that couldn't hurt me if they tried, and would never dream of doing such. I have a family that supports me and cares for me more than they care for anything else. That's all I could ever need and I'm happy. I haven't cried since that day, and I don't think I will. In a way I am very hurt. But in another, I'm at a point where God takes me into His arms, lifts me above the surface of this chaos, and shows me all that I have and all that He has given me. I'm not wasting my time being heartbroken over what's made me a stronger person throughout the years. I will thank my God for what He's given and for what He's taken away. I will pray for them, and I will hope with all I have that they wake up one day, before it's too late, and turn around. But that is all I can and ever will do.

It's over, and I am okay.


***



Change of subject:
I haven't heard from him in over a week.
Let's see how long it takes this time.

What are you doing, God?


And God will guard your heart...
And God will guard your heart...
And God will guard your heart...

And God will guard your heart... And God will guard your heart... And God will guard your heart... And God will guard your heart... And God will guard your heart... And God will guard your heart... And God will guard your heart... And God will guard your heart... And God will guard your heart... And God will guard your heart... And God will guard your heart... And God will guard your heart...And God will guard your heart... And God will guard your heart... And God will guard your heart... And God will guard your heart... And God will guard your heart... And God will guard your heart... And God will guard your heart... And God will guard your heart... And God will guard your heart... And God will guard your heart... And God will guard your heart... And God will guard your heart... And God will guard your heart... And God will guard your heart... And God will guard your heart...

That's what my mind looks like a hundred times a day.










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