Saturday, June 6, 2009

Consequences of Rejection

So tonight Sadie and myself went on a spur-of-the-moment trip to the Waffle House. While there, I was hit on by a waitress. She asked for my number and, laughing, I said "uhh I don't think so."

As funny as I thought it was, and as much as I later laughed about it, I feel really bad for her. 
She doesn't know life.

When I like a guy I work so hard convincing myself that it will never work out that I actually convince myself that I don't want to be with him. I was looking at his pictures tonight and my stomach churned. It was then that I basically set in stone in my mind that we will never work out and that I don't even like him anymore.

It couldn't be further from the truth.
Well, the not liking him part anyway.

How many times do I have to go through this before I find what's right? How many boys will walk in and out, leaving me empty and broken before a man steps in and sweeps me off my feet? Will I ever be swept off my feet? Will anybody ever look at me and desire to spend time with me - spend forever with me? Will anybody ever see me in such a brighter way than anybody has ever seen me before? Sometimes I dream it up as though it will never happen, rather than it being a reality I look forward to. I am so scared. Scared doesn't even convey it. I am panicked and unnerved at the thought of never looking a man in the eyes and saying 'i do'. I cry just thinking about never sharing the joy with another human being of creating a little human being. The hopes and dreams and desires of being joined together with another as one only feels like a wasted wish anymore. It doesn't even feel real. It doesn't even feel like a future. It feels like an untouchable goal. 

It's a lie of satan, and it gets me every time.

Every moment that John pops into my head, and the lack of communication I have from him, or an ex boyfriend or ex flame crosses my mind, only one solid sentence appears;

"You were the one that ran them away with your crazy ways..."

It replays over and over again. I can't push it out no matter how hard I try.
Thank you, Jamie, for ruining me even more.

I will be okay. And I will never forget the moment I spent with Jesus under His stars when I prayed for my future husband and He spoke to my heart and said, "Just be patient. He's coming..."

I know He is Jesus. And it isn't until I am completely and fully satisfied in You that He will show up.
I love you so much, Savior. Sweep me off my feet.

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