Wednesday, June 3, 2009


I've been tossed in the wind for about three weeks now.
You haven't said a word, and I've already decided that your mind has changed.
Then again, what else is new?

And God will guard your heart...
And God will guard your heart...
And God will guard your heart...

I've already set in my mind that at the end of these three months you'll only be saying goodbye.
But what do I know?


For so long I was so cold towards 'Calvinism'. I was so against it, so unwilling to hear it. Obviously my emotions and personal issues overpowered the possibility of an open heart to the glory and truths of God's word. It's amazing the ways He speaks, the mysteries of the God that made me. I've come to a point where doctrines of grace no longer scares me, but rather I'm beginning to embrace them more than ever. Not to say I've become some five point Calvinist (I really feel no need to join in any title outside of 'Christ Follower'). I don't believe it goes all one way or another. I look at my mom and I see myself several several months ago. I see myself so confused and angry in the entire ordeal. I see myself so blocked by my own upbringing and personal opinions and unable to connect the truths of God's word to the very mystery of His being. Instead of hearing sermons or reading verses that point to a doctrine I've for so long been against, and pushing it out as ludicrous, I am able to embrace and love it as being so much more of an addition to God's glorious enigma. I embrace that I was chosen, and I embrace that I responded. I love that I was set apart from the beginning of time, and I love that Jesus has no pleasure in the death of the wicked. I am in awe and amazement of the fact that my God never has and never will fit into a box. He will never be labeled under some man-made title. But that He is outside of every box we create. He is outside of every doctrine we establish. He is outside of our minds, our capabilities, our understandings of how anything works. If He has the ability to exist in eternity, He sure has the ability to connect two seemingly opposite truths without contradiction and with perfect holiness and sovereignty. What's beautiful about Jesus is that I will forever be chasing after Him and His mysteries, learning more, growing more, understanding more, but never obtaining it all. I am so amazed. I so often wonder how it's done, but I know that it is. And I know that He IS. That's enough for me.

Galatians 1:15-16a

But when God, who had set me apart even from my mother's womb and called me through His grace, was pleased to reveal His Son in me so that I might preach Him among the Gentiles...

I was chosen, and then made to receive. I was wicked and God saved me by His grace and His grace alone. It's not of me. It's not of my choice. It's of His perfect and precious will. Because He loved me so much, He loved the world so much, that He spilled His own blood for my soul. He calls me, and He calls all. His grace is a gift, not withheld from a single soul. Not withheld from even the most wicked in whose death He finds no pleasure. I am of worth, but not worthy. I am chosen but not forced. I am loved, loved, loved. That's all I really need to know. I spent so much time, energy, effort trying to prove wrong a doctrine that I now embrace. I don't follow it. I follow Jesus. I don't title myself under it. I title myself under Jesus. I wasted so many emotions just trying to understand when the entire point is that I do not understand and I never will. Though sometimes I look back and regret all of the wasted time and effort, and all of the seemingly bad things that resulted from my stubbornness and unwillingness to have an open heart, I understand that all of it was for His glory - and was something He intended me to go through. I learned things that I never would have even considered. I was pushed to delve into God's Word and simply learn more about my Creator. I was taught of the extremes people take, and often how wrong they can be in doing such. I learned that God, being so much, cannot fit into a box and is so outside of our ideas of contradictions. I was humbled, learning that I really don't know everything about Jesus. Most of all, I learned that God is the biggest mystery I will never solve - and I love it. He holds all of the answers and allows only some to be revealed. I believe that if anybody could fully understand the truths of God and how He operates, their heads would explode from too much knowledge. God is so big. So big. So big. 
I can't get enough.

I'm in awe.

I just like to learn about Jesus.
I really do.

No comments: