Yesterday I was texting Abraham, and he sent something that hit pretty hard;
"...You have been hurt I know you're strong and you hide your frustration well behind your smile but you can't take it out on the next guy. Don't go in each relationship thinking you're going to lose..."
I guess you could call it very unfair that, because of a handful of guys that have hurt me, I am bitter towards them all. I like to play a game with myself when I start talking to a guy; It's the "guess how long he'll stick around" game. Typically I give him two weeks, and even that is often quite generous. Then again now I'm getting perks out of the deal; Abraham owes me cheesecake since he bet me the last guy would last three weeks at least...and he only lasted a few days. I'd give anything to see what it is that drives them away. Maybe it's something I could fix...if I only knew what it was.
You can't fix what you don't know is broken.
But something's gotta give.
I used to dream up my wedding day, knowing it was coming any time now. I was patiently and hopefully waiting on the right one to come along and sweep me off my feet. I could see it. Envision it. No longer can I do that. No matter how hard I try I can't even dream up something romantically true ever coming into my life. I'm sure it's bound to happen eventually. I just thought it would have happened sooner than this. Now I see it more distant than ever. And it tears me down.
Maybe I'm just waiting on something big. Maybe my life is going to have something major happen. Maybe that's what my future is waiting on. A girl can dream, yeah?
***
Yesterday's vow to happiness in class went better than expected. I thought I would make it the whole night as I was able to keep my composure and maintain a smile up until about the last fifteen minutes...and then I cried.
Rude comments and dirty looks are a thing of the past. To Amber I simply do not exist anymore. Carly says a word here and there; not terribly sure why. I think the majority of people in the class have a mindset of everything having blown over. They want it to be fixed and there to be peace by acting as though nothing ever happened. Speaking to me as though they never treated me wrong. But I cannot do that. I can't simply smile and let the past be the past; because it isn't the past. And it will not be the past until these people have shown some sort of remorse for the things they have put and are still putting me through. In all of this, I have yet to receive one single apology from one person. They cannot expect to treat me like the ground they step on, and then make it go away by simply acting as though it never happened. Because I am still hurt, and continuing to hurt. This is not right. And I don't believe it ever will be. Their pride has gotten the best of them; and it's ugly.
Even if they did apologize, however, a friendship would never be restored. The only thing an apology would get them would be forgiveness (as hard as that would be) and a peace between us. I could never trust them ever again. I could never have friendship with them because I never really had it in the first place. This is just something you don't get past.
Is that wrong of me?
Who even knows how this all works anymore?
I can't keep up with right and wrong...
I guess you could call it very unfair that, because of a handful of guys that have hurt me, I am bitter towards them all. I like to play a game with myself when I start talking to a guy; It's the "guess how long he'll stick around" game. Typically I give him two weeks, and even that is often quite generous. Then again now I'm getting perks out of the deal; Abraham owes me cheesecake since he bet me the last guy would last three weeks at least...and he only lasted a few days. I'd give anything to see what it is that drives them away. Maybe it's something I could fix...if I only knew what it was.
You can't fix what you don't know is broken.
But something's gotta give.
I used to dream up my wedding day, knowing it was coming any time now. I was patiently and hopefully waiting on the right one to come along and sweep me off my feet. I could see it. Envision it. No longer can I do that. No matter how hard I try I can't even dream up something romantically true ever coming into my life. I'm sure it's bound to happen eventually. I just thought it would have happened sooner than this. Now I see it more distant than ever. And it tears me down.
Maybe I'm just waiting on something big. Maybe my life is going to have something major happen. Maybe that's what my future is waiting on. A girl can dream, yeah?
***
Yesterday's vow to happiness in class went better than expected. I thought I would make it the whole night as I was able to keep my composure and maintain a smile up until about the last fifteen minutes...and then I cried.
Rude comments and dirty looks are a thing of the past. To Amber I simply do not exist anymore. Carly says a word here and there; not terribly sure why. I think the majority of people in the class have a mindset of everything having blown over. They want it to be fixed and there to be peace by acting as though nothing ever happened. Speaking to me as though they never treated me wrong. But I cannot do that. I can't simply smile and let the past be the past; because it isn't the past. And it will not be the past until these people have shown some sort of remorse for the things they have put and are still putting me through. In all of this, I have yet to receive one single apology from one person. They cannot expect to treat me like the ground they step on, and then make it go away by simply acting as though it never happened. Because I am still hurt, and continuing to hurt. This is not right. And I don't believe it ever will be. Their pride has gotten the best of them; and it's ugly.
Even if they did apologize, however, a friendship would never be restored. The only thing an apology would get them would be forgiveness (as hard as that would be) and a peace between us. I could never trust them ever again. I could never have friendship with them because I never really had it in the first place. This is just something you don't get past.
Is that wrong of me?
Who even knows how this all works anymore?
I can't keep up with right and wrong...
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