I go through phases.
Life is changing daily. I feel like 18 is flying by so quickly. It'll be my birthday before I know it. Friends are changing. People. Places. Situations. Everything. Including boys.
He makes me feel so special. He treats me better than any guy has ever even thought about treating me. I feel like I actually have worth when I'm with him. It's wonderful and I don't want it to end. But I fear that any minute it will. I have to kick this habit of assuming that every guy that walks in will walk out. That's just always how it seems to happen for me. It's what I've become so accustomed to. I don't know why guys treat me like they do. I don't understand why they feel like it's okay to walk all over me. Maybe it's just because I let them. Whatever the case, it's really geting to be all I know anymore. I'm waiting for him to screw up. I just feel as though any moment this will be over and I'll be left completely alone again, wondering why this always happens. It's starting to drive me crazy. With every short response I get nervous. Every time he doesn't text or acts distant at all my entire hope of it going anywhere collapses and I'm sucked back into the paranoia that never seems to get too far from my mind. Everything can be perfect one minute and with one misunderstood sentence I'm back to believing he'll never stick around. I'm scared, and it's worse this time. I suppose it's because I really like him. I'm actually letting my guard down, inch by inch; a little at a time. It's like he's so quickly making me believe there could be somebody out there with the capability of treating me right. I haven't been this hopeful in a very long time; or this scared. There are moments when I can't wait to see what the future might hold between us. And then there are days when it literally makes me sick to even think about a relationship forming. Sometimes I don't even want to do it; I don't want to try to let things happen. I just want to be treated like I mean something. I just want somebody that's willing to care about me for more than two weeks. I'm waiting for one person to make known to me that I have worth and that I am worth keeping. Because more often than not I just can't believe that I am.
I'm starting to think I really don't have a grip on this guy thing at all.
And it scares me more than anything.
I'll try to blog more...
...and I'll make the next one a happy one.
1 comments:
I gotta tell you,
that fear of being abandoned is common in women and that happens when we base our identity and happiness on a boy.
I understand the way you feel cuz I've felt the same way too but I've learned to take it as God's whisper in the ear telling me that He is the only one I can really lean on, and He wants nobody to take His place in my heart.
:)
have a great 2010
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