Wednesday, January 6, 2010

6:37 AM

He left.
Just as I had predicted he would.

I couldn't cry myself to sleep, so I just cried myself sick. I've been up all night. My body refuses to rest. I wish my best friend was here. I just made breakfast and the sun will show up soon. I suppose that could be nice. Maybe I'll do some morning yoga.

That paragraph was so very poorly pieced together.

And my entire body hurts. It just hurts.

I feel so finished. Used, really.
I can only believe that I could never be loved the way I've always dreamed of being loved. I worked so hard to put up my guard. I had nearly become pro at limiting my emotional investment in guys...keeping it to a minimum. Not allowing myself to fall. Then he worked so hard to break that barrier down. And as soon as I found myself falling, he was nowhere around to catch me. He spent so much time building up my trust and my hopes only for me to come crashing down; hard and fast. After going through this so many times you would think I would learn to handle it better. You just begin to feel so worthless.
I feel worthless.

My First Love whispers; "I am yours and you are Mine, beloved..."
I honestly and humbly admit that so often it doesn't seem enough. And I hate that about myself. Something's gotta give...or somebody. I think that somebody is me.

1 comment:

Saii said...

He's got control of your life.

This is just a season you're living in. Go back to your Father's arms.
He wants you there.

He has the best plans for you. don't ever forget it!