I'm Really Starting To Worry Myself

It's 4 AM, and I am awake.

I've got to snap out of this. I'm on the craziest sleep schedule. I'm wide awake at night and then crashing during the day. I'd sleep until 4 pm if my mom wasn't making me get up by 1. I'm losing my head. I'm doing the dumbest, most careless things. Today I pulled into the mall parking lot, meeting up with an old friend, and I left my keys sitting on top of my trunk. When I came back to my car (after having realized I didn't have my keys and running frantically all over the mall trying to find them) I found a note scribbled on the back of a receipt that read "You left your keys on your trunk. They are inside your gas cap."

I thank God for noble, honest people in this world. In my thoughtlessness my car could have been stolen in an instant. And that was the second time this week that I have carelessly set my keys somewhere and walked away. I'm confusing days of the week. I never know what day it is. I find myself saying some of the dumbest things, mindless things. I forget words I'm trying to say. I find myself not being able to remember anything anybody tells me. I forget everything; even more so than I did before.It's like my brain is on vacation; where I need to be.

I can't say I don't know what's wrong with me. Because I suppose I do know. I'm seriously so lost and so confused. And all of these people so recently hurting me is really getting to me. For somebody as social and people loving as I am, I feel like I have the worst luck in that very department. I don't know why hurting me comes so easily for so many people that walk into my life, but it does. I wish it didn't effect me as much as it does. I wish I could shrug it off and go about my life as if they don't matter. I guess I'm just too passionate a person to sit back and do that. Maybe it's a weakness of mine. But when one person leaves my life I break down. I can't handle the rejection and the loss. I just don't do this well at all. And I cope by sarcastically joking it off. By being angry. By putting up ranting and sarcastic Facebook posts. And then everybody jumps on my case about it.

I can't become dependant on Nyquil every night to get me to sleep. But this not sleeping stuff is really driving me up the wall. My body is begging me for rest and I can't seem to find it.

Matthew 11:28

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."

I just want to sleep.

And I want to be happy.

"If you want to be happy. Be."