Disappointing

I feel like such a disappointment to nearly everybody but myself.


It's so confusing when you have one person telling you that you're "bad" and going in the completely "wrong direction in life" and making "horrible" choices...and another is singing your praises. I can't always believe that other people's opinions of me are accurate. But I'm scared my bias towards myself cancels out my own opinion actually being realistic. This world seems more confusing with every day that I'm living in it. I've always felt that the more I studied and learned about God, the less I knew about Him, because there is so much to know. Too much, in fact. I think He made life the same way. I think He made it so that none of us would ever figure it out. It's almost like a game; let's see who can be the first to figure out how to live. I don't think anybody gets closer than anybody else. You can have all of the "wisest" men tell you about their discoveries after years of study and experience, and still have no idea how to live your own life. Because you are the only you.

I suppose that's what I've been so focused on lately...living my own life. I feel as though I've always lived my life for someone or something else. Whether it be my church, my parents, my friends, my attention, my insecurities. I feel I'm finally living life for me; doing what's right for me. A year ago I never would have stood up to my family and told them that I was going to do what I was going to do regardless of what they thought. You could say that sounds disrespectful and cold. But at what point am I allotted the right to live for myself. My parents were given the right to grow up and make their mistakes and live their lives. They were given the freedom to choose what religion they wanted to follow and what path they wanted to take. So was everybody else in this world. When do I get that right? At what point did they assume I could have that same freedom? I'm finally ready to start standing up for myself, even if everybody around me hates it. I'm ready to stop living for the approval of my parents or the love and affection from guys or for successful friendships. I want to live life for me.

I feel as though that right was never supposed to be handed to me.
...or so that's how my parents feel.


I love them so much. I love my family. I love their morals and how close they are. But I feel so different from them in so many ways. I always have, in a sense. I've never fully agreed with them in every aspect. And now that I'm breaking out, discovering this world from a completely different perspective, they hate it. It makes me feel so bad, seeing them so heartbroken and sad. But I almost feel as though they broke their own hearts with their high expectations of me. They want to blame me for their sadness and yet they created it with the high hopes of who they wanted me to be.


What about who I want to be?



Sometimes I wonder how many people are going through this exact same thing. And if I am right or wrong. Because, as stated in the last post, never does everybody agree on anything. And I'm completely lost.

I just know what feels right...