Do you ever see or hear something in passing of your daily life that instantly and vividly reminds you of your past? So much so that you can literally feel the feelings you felt back then, as if you were right back in that moment of time? It's a very rare occurance, but it happens to me every now and then. Today I saw a girl that reminded me so much of myself when I was about fourteen years old. I was so different, so vulnerable, so naiive. And so incredibly insecure with myself. I remember the way I liked boys back then was so much different than the way I like them now. "Crushes" were a completely different feeling. A high, almost. In that moment, seeing that girl, I was immediately brought back to butterflies in my stomach and waiting by the phone anxiously. The intense feelings of amazement, infatuation, and insecurity. I was brought back to a place where my knees would fall weak and I couldn't breathe and I didn't know what to say or do when I saw his face. Nervousness. Vulnerability. Insecurity. I used to fall so hard and so fast. And when it was over; devastation. Heartbreak. Tears upon tears upon tears. Countless nights of physical pain brought on by emotional distress. I can't believe how far I've come emotionally to not feel the way I felt back then about like, love, and lust.
...But I miss the infatuation.
I don't know. Maybe I just haven't found somebody that can make me feel that little girl high again. Or maybe I'm just growing up. I wonder if I'll ever meet somebody that does that to me. I suppose it's bittersweet. I don't have the high that I used to, yet I don't have the crash that I used to either. It's so much easier to get over things; get over people. It isn't as easy to love them and feel for them what I used to. I guess it was just childish. But it felt incredible.
Sometimes he gives me butterflies; though I know I've never given them to him. Every now and then, we'll lean in for a kiss, and my stomach starts doing flips. I care so much for him. when he's gone, I miss him. When he's around, I just want to touch him. Communicate with him. Be with him. I don't know what it is, and I'm not very interested in finding out. Only because I know something couldn't last too terribly long. I'm mentally preparing myself for it; and it's okay. Because that crash isn't anywhere near what it used to be. I know he likes me. Or so one would think. But I know he could never feel for me what I feel for him. He'll never look at me the way I look at him. He'll never express to me what I want to express to him. But maybe he was right. Maybe it's never they way I dream about. Maybe all of these "nice guys" that throw out so much nice treatment are just playing a game, and starting it up with their best. They'll get it all out of the way in the beginning only to throw it away after it's far too late and you're already wrapped up. Maybe he's just being as real as they all will be after so long.
...I guess a little reassurance every now and then just sounds nice.
All I know is that I'm comfortable. And I know that I'm happier where I am than where I was; alone. I might would risk the crash if I could have the good with it, too.
2 comments:
kristi hamby
has been a member since Jan 2007 and goes by kamh5891.
My name is Kristi. I'm a 16 year old with a passion for art. God is my main inspiration, and everything I do is for His glory.
I have been reading some of your past blogs and post and was just wondering if there is any part of this Kristi left? "God is my main inspiration, and everything I do is for His glory" This Kristi would have grown wiser, more mature, more loving, more passion. This Kristi WOULD NOT have become just another face in the crowd of lost people. This Kristi had a passion for lost souls. In reading some of your blogs and things. You felt as though you were too condeming of others, maybe that was true, but there is a good balance. There is a good place you don't have to throw caution to the wind and say well can't beat them - join them. Nobody wants from you what you are saying they want. I have talked with a couple of your family memebers. They have assured me that they do no want the girl that sat in her toom reading her Bible for hours upon hours. Your mom said "I told Kristi that I thought she was putting to hard of rules on herself and to high of expectations" They only want you to find true peace and joy that can only come from a right and good relationship with Jesus Christ. If that is in line all other things will be in line. In your heart Kristi YOU Know this to be true. Your family loves and adores you. You are so lucky to have them. I have always been so jealous of you. They way your mother talks about you, they way she smiles when she speaks of you. She has told me on so many occassions that you are the reason she was born. God made her so she would have you. The way your Father talks about you and how he thinks you are amazing. Your Aunts and Uncles, cousins all love you with all they have. If my family would have shown me just a small amount of what you have been given I would treasure it forever. You are a smart, beautiful young lady with so much to offer this world. God Gave you the family you have because He knew they were exactly what you needed. You will not always see eye to eye with them. There will be things you will do that they do not agree with and they will do things you do not agree with but none of that matters in th end. Being right with Jesus is really all that matters. I pray that you read this and know that someone who loves you wrote it out of love. I wrote this to you Anonymously because I am prayerful that you read it and know that we are still friends and I love you. I treasure our frienship.
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