What have I done so wrong? At eighteen years old I went a little crazy and did some stupid things. Who doesn't? Who doesn't drink and party and try to experience the world at some point? I comletely despise who I became for a short amount of time, and I did a lot of things I honestly and whole heartedly regret. I was living with my parents, completely not following their rules. and yes, I feel terrible for that. It was absolutely wrong for me to dishonor them and lie to them. But is that completely abnormal? Of course I was going to try to break free. I was cooped up in church and nothing but chuch for years (and yes, by choice.) I wanted to see what else there was, and I saw it. Was it right? Absolutely not. But it never should have been treated the way it was. It was treated way too dramatically. I had never even tried a single drug in my life and yet my famliy still found it perfectly okay to institute an intervention. A literal one. As in ten to fifteen people surrounded me in the living room and told me how terrible I was, and how I needed to turn back to God. They cried and accused me of being cold and distant. They held stacks of my personal emails and facebook messages to prove what a bad person I'd become. They tried to physically hold me down, causing me to panic, which sent me into the scariest asthma attack I've ever had (and had my mom not have gotten my inhaler, I honestly don't know what would have happened). And while I laid on the floor, gasping for air, they screamed at me and cursed at me. They took away my car, and wouldn't allow anybody in our driveway to pick me up. So I had to walk all my things to the end of the driveway, while they watched from the house. All because I started getting drunk at parties and crashing as friend's houses.No, I shouldn't have been doing it, but I was not nearly as bad as I was being made out to be. and instead of taking it, i left.
I got over that. I eventually forgave my parents for what they did and tried my best to have a relationship with them.and so far, we've managed to do a mediocre job of that. But I understood it would take a long time.
I moved out of my first apartment 2 months after moving in because of a terrible situation with a roommate. I lost a lot of money and valuable items living there, and was getting into a bad situation. I had just started dating Dave and he offered to let me stay with him until I could find somewhere new. We never had intentions of living together, and we had only been together merely weeks, so I was definitely looking into housing options for myself. But the more I was with Dave, the more I fell in love with him, and wanted to be with him. After weeks of discussion, we decided to make living together a permanent thing. And I haven't regretted it once. Unfortunately, things have been really difficult. We've had very bad luck so far, and can never seem to be making decent money at the same time. When I first met him I was making decent money at my job, but he started losing hours at his. Then when I stopped making as much, his work picked up. We'd never really both been financially struggling at the same time, so we helped support eachother a lot. Unfortunately we've just never been able to get ahead. And I really feel as though attempting an esthetics career as an independent contractor was a bad financial decision on my part, and now I'm paying for it. But, for the first time, we are both financially struggling, and we've gotten into a bind. We have, thankfully, had so much help from family members, and our landlord is absolutely wonderful and understanding of our situation. We have just hit a rough patch that we're slowly making our way out of. That happens to everyone yes? I mean, we're starting our lives and trying to be independent at a VERY hard economic time. It isn't easy to live and support yourself right now.
I've stopped drinking. I get sick at even watching people drink alcochol (and my family will claim it is because they prayed alcohol would make me sick). Honestly, I just had one too many bad nights, and I just don't enjoy the stuff. I never party. And downtown on a Saturday night only pisses me off. I spend my nights at home watching Jeopardy and playing with my cats. I'm not very social, and I've become a lot more of a private person. I feel as though I'm growing up a lot. I don't like the things I used to, and I'm a lot more ambitious minded. This past year has made me grow up so much, and I'm over the things I used to do.
Yet somehow the life I'm living is sinful. It's wrong. It's disgusting. It's horrible and God hates it. I am not going in the right direction. I'm failing, making bad decision. I am disrespectful and won't listen to anybody for help. I ignore the help and support of others. My life is crumbling and it's my fault.
Why? What's so wrong with me? What is wrong with what I'm doing? I'm living with my boyfriend...is that the best that can be thrown at me? I love this man. I am in love with him. I'm going to be with him for the rest of my life. He supports me, encourages me, respects me more than anybody I have ever met, and wants nothing but my happiness and success. He takes care of me to the best of his ability and I know he would give up anything for me. He's already given up half of his family just being with me. I'm going to marry him one day, and we're never going to be apart. So why is it that today it is disgusting and horrible for me to sleep next to him at night, but if I were to marry him tomorrow it would be pure and heavenly for me to lay next to him? That makes no sense. A piece of paper is the only thing we do not have. We have the love. We have the support for eachother. We have the desire for a life together. (something half of these people that are unhappy with my living arrangements DON'T have) Why do we have to be married for it to be okay that we share a place together?
Why is it wrong for a woman to live with a man she is not married to that respects and loves her more than the world, but somehow it is wrong for a woman being treated like trash every day to divorce her husband? I don't like this system and I won't abide by it.
I am twenty years old. I am an adult. And honestly, I'm going through the hardest time I have ever been through in my life. I am struggling and it's difficult. But I'm remaining positive. I'm happy. I'm stressed but I'm still happy. That's more than I can say for most of the people telling me how to live my life. In fact, the people criticizing me the most are some of the most stressed, worried, and sad people I've ever seen. I don't want that. I want happiness. I want more than Gainesville, Florida. I want more than everything I've already seen. I want to be happy, successful, and have a wonderful life with my guy. I am miserable here and it has nothing to offer me. Why would anybody that loves me want a life of misery for me just for their own selfish gain? It hurts that I'm being treated this way. That I'm being financially helped and supported but in what I consider the hardest time in my life I'm not being emotionally supported. I'm really not a bad person. I'm really not making terrible, fatal decisions. And I'm sick of guilt being placed upon me day after day and walking around with a load on my shoulders, partially hating myself because it's being drilled into my head that I'm a bad person.
I've got to do something pretty messed up for my own mom to tell me she hates what I have become. But if it is wrong and messed up for me to just want more out of life than Gainesville, Florida, so be it. I don't care anymore. I refuse to be made to feel guilty for wanting a bigger, better life. I refuse to be made to feel guilty for being down on my luck and thankfully receiving the help and support of others. I refuse to be controlled and told what to do. I am a twenty year old adult and I live on my own .I would love help and support. I would love encouragement and kindness. But I'm not interested in the judgementalism and the guilt. I'm done being made to feel bad. I'm done letting somebody else tell me who I am and that it is wrong. I love myself and I love the life I'm making for myself. I don't have a lot and it will be a long time before I have nice things and can do everything I want, but I will get it for myself I and I will prove to every single person that believes I'm crashing slowly that I can absolutely make it and I will not regret what I'm doing.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with me living with Dave and I refuse to believe there is. I'm sick of these pointless rules that mean nothing. I'm sick of hearing that a piece of paper decides it's okay for me to love my boyfriend and be with him every day. I'm happy and I'm going to continue to live life how I want it, not how somebody else wants it. Because that is no way to live. And I don't want to live that way.
It's sad to know that by some, this attitude of mine to want a different life for myself is viewed as disrespectful and wrong. When all I all I really want is a normal, happy life with the person I love. And I really don't believe that's really so wrong. I'm hurt beyond belief, because I never thought the people that have claimed to love me the most would make me feel so horrible about myself. The constant critisiam and guilt has slowly been breaking me down. Its haunting me on a regular basis, giving me nightmares and consistantly making me question everything I do. And its sad to know that the only way to make it stop is to completely change who I am becoming and become what someone else wants. And that, to me, is very very sad.
I'm not fifteen anymore and to believe that a person will be the same person at twenty as they were as a kid is, to me, terribly naiive. And to make them feel guilty for who they grow up to be is one of the worst things you can do to someone you love.