Monday, May 30, 2011

Pressure


What have I done so wrong? At eighteen years old I went a little crazy and did some stupid things. Who doesn't? Who doesn't drink and party and try to experience the world at some point? I comletely despise who I became for a short amount of time, and I did a lot of things I honestly and whole heartedly regret. I was living with my parents, completely not following their rules. and yes, I feel terrible for that. It was absolutely wrong for me to dishonor them and lie to them. But is that completely abnormal? Of course I was going to try to break free. I was cooped up in church and nothing but chuch for years (and yes, by choice.) I wanted to see what else there was, and I saw it. Was it right? Absolutely not. But it never should have been treated the way it was. It was treated way too dramatically. I had never even tried a single drug in my life and yet my famliy still found it perfectly okay to institute an intervention. A literal one. As in ten to fifteen people surrounded me in the living room and told me how terrible I was, and how I needed to turn back to God. They cried and accused me of being cold and distant. They held stacks of my personal emails and facebook messages to prove what a bad person I'd become. They tried to physically hold me down, causing me to panic, which sent me into the scariest asthma attack I've ever had (and had my mom not have gotten my inhaler, I honestly don't know what would have happened). And while I laid on the floor, gasping for air, they screamed at me and cursed at me. They took away my car, and wouldn't allow anybody in our driveway to pick me up. So I had to walk all my things to the end of the driveway, while they watched from the house. All because I started getting drunk at parties and crashing as friend's houses.No, I shouldn't have been doing it, but I was not nearly as bad as I was being made out to be. and instead of taking it, i left.

I got over that. I eventually forgave my parents for what they did and tried my best to have a relationship with them.and so far, we've managed to do a mediocre job of that. But I understood it would take a long time.
I moved out of my first apartment 2 months after moving in because of a terrible situation with a roommate. I lost a lot of money and valuable items living there, and was getting into a bad situation. I had just started dating Dave and he offered to let me stay with him until I could find somewhere new. We never had intentions of living together, and we had only been together merely weeks, so I was definitely looking into housing options for myself. But the more I was with Dave, the more I fell in love with him, and wanted to be with him. After weeks of discussion, we decided to make living together a permanent thing. And I haven't regretted it once. Unfortunately, things have been really difficult. We've had very bad luck so far, and can never seem to be making decent money at the same time. When I first met him I was making decent money at my job, but he started losing hours at his. Then when I stopped making as much, his work picked up. We'd never really both been financially struggling at the same time, so we helped support eachother a lot. Unfortunately we've just never been able to get ahead. And I really feel as though attempting an esthetics career as an independent contractor was a bad financial decision on my part, and now I'm paying for it. But, for the first time, we are both financially struggling, and we've gotten into a bind. We have, thankfully, had so much help from family members, and our landlord is absolutely wonderful and understanding of our situation. We have just hit a rough patch that we're slowly making our way out of. That happens to everyone yes? I mean, we're starting our lives and trying to be independent at a VERY hard economic time. It isn't easy to live and support yourself right now.
I've stopped drinking. I get sick at even watching people drink alcochol (and my family will claim it is because they prayed alcohol would make me sick). Honestly, I just had one too many bad nights, and I just don't enjoy the stuff. I never party. And downtown on a Saturday night only pisses me off. I spend my nights at home watching Jeopardy and playing with my cats. I'm not very social, and I've become a lot more of a private person. I feel as though I'm growing up a lot. I don't like the things I used to, and I'm a lot more ambitious minded. This past year has made me grow up so much, and I'm over the things I used to do.

Yet somehow the life I'm living is sinful. It's wrong. It's disgusting. It's horrible and God hates it. I am not going in the right direction. I'm failing, making bad decision. I am disrespectful and won't listen to anybody for help. I ignore the help and support of others. My life is crumbling and it's my fault.
Why? What's so wrong with me? What is wrong with what I'm doing? I'm living with my boyfriend...is that the best that can be thrown at me? I love this man. I am in love with him. I'm going to be with him for the rest of my life. He supports me, encourages me, respects me more than anybody I have ever met, and wants nothing but my happiness and success. He takes care of me to the best of his ability and I know he would give up anything for me. He's already given up half of his family just being with me. I'm going to marry him one day, and we're never going to be apart. So why is it that today it is disgusting and horrible for me to sleep next to him at night, but if I were to marry him tomorrow it would be pure and heavenly for me to lay next to him? That makes no sense. A piece of paper is the only thing we do not have. We have the love. We have the support for eachother. We have the desire for a life together. (something half of these people that are unhappy with my living arrangements DON'T have) Why do we have to be married for it to be okay that we share a place together?

Why is it wrong for a woman to live with a man she is not married to that respects and loves her more than the world, but somehow it is wrong for a woman being treated like trash every day to divorce her husband? I don't like this system and I won't abide by it.

I am twenty years old. I am an adult. And honestly, I'm going through the hardest time I have ever been through in my life. I am struggling and it's difficult. But I'm remaining positive. I'm happy. I'm stressed but I'm still happy. That's more than I can say for most of the people telling me how to live my life. In fact, the people criticizing me the most are some of the most stressed, worried, and sad people I've ever seen. I don't want that. I want happiness. I want more than Gainesville, Florida. I want more than everything I've already seen. I want to be happy, successful, and have a wonderful life with my guy. I am miserable here and it has nothing to offer me. Why would anybody that loves me want a life of misery for me just for their own selfish gain? It hurts that I'm being treated this way. That I'm being financially helped and supported but in what I consider the hardest time in my life I'm not being emotionally supported. I'm really not a bad person. I'm really not making terrible, fatal decisions. And I'm sick of guilt being placed upon me day after day and walking around with a load on my shoulders, partially hating myself because it's being drilled into my head that I'm a bad person.

I've got to do something pretty messed up for my own mom to tell me she hates what I have become. But if it is wrong and messed up for me to just want more out of life than Gainesville, Florida, so be it. I don't care anymore. I refuse to be made to feel guilty for wanting a bigger, better life. I refuse to be made to feel guilty for being down on my luck and thankfully receiving the help and support of others. I refuse to be controlled and told what to do. I am a twenty year old adult and I live on my own .I would love help and support. I would love encouragement and kindness. But I'm not interested in the judgementalism and the guilt. I'm done being made to feel bad. I'm done letting somebody else tell me who I am and that it is wrong. I love myself and I love the life I'm making for myself. I don't have a lot and it will be a long time before I have nice things and can do everything I want, but I will get it for myself I and I will prove to every single person that believes I'm crashing slowly that I can absolutely make it and I will not regret what I'm doing.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with me living with Dave and I refuse to believe there is. I'm sick of these pointless rules that mean nothing. I'm sick of hearing that a piece of paper decides it's okay for me to love my boyfriend and be with him every day. I'm happy and I'm going to continue to live life how I want it, not how somebody else wants it. Because that is no way to live. And I don't want to live that way.

It's sad to know that by some, this attitude of mine to want a different life for myself is viewed as disrespectful and wrong. When all I all I really want is a normal, happy life with the person I love. And I really don't believe that's really so wrong. I'm hurt beyond belief, because I never thought the people that have claimed to love me the most would make me feel so horrible about myself. The constant critisiam and guilt has slowly been breaking me down. Its haunting me on a regular basis, giving me nightmares and consistantly making me question everything I do. And its sad to know that the only way to make it stop is to completely change who I am becoming and become what someone else wants. And that, to me, is very very sad.

I'm not fifteen anymore and to believe that a person will be the same person at twenty as they were as a kid is, to me, terribly naiive. And to make them feel guilty for who they grow up to be is one of the worst things you can do to someone you love.

34 comments:

That Girl said...

What a heart wrenching tale. But know that you are not alone and with the way society is, living with your boyfriend isn't the "sin" it once was. I am sure your God understands your feelings.
Legal marriage was made up by governments not by religions. Most religions only required vows to be spoke to one another in front of a witness, organized religions had the priest/king/leader/chief be the witness. Formal governments are the ones who deman paperwork "for record keeping" (bah).
Sadly, I cannot offer you more words of wisdom other than life is hard and you will have good times and rough patches. Some will seem so horrible you will not know how to you are going to make it. But guess what, you do! Peace!

Sasha said...

Wow, it sounds like a huge rollercoaster for you. I'm honoured to have read it. I'm sorry for your current situation but i'm so proud of you, (a stranger to me), for making the right choice. Some people will just never be happy despite your best efforts - but you don't live to please them. You are happy as you said - continue. I can only congratulate you on doing the right thing. X

Anonymous said...

I don't see the biggest sin as living with your boyfriend. It's all of the "I's" and "me's" in what you wrote. "I'm" happy. "I'm" doing what "I" want. "I" don't see what's wrong with this. What about what God wants? When did life become all about us and whatever makes us feel good? What about all of the suffering that true disciples go through? What about Jesus? He surely didn't live a peachy life. He had a PURPOSE. What is your purpose, Kristi? Why are you here on this earth? No one expects you to be perfect, and if they do, they're wrong. What IS expected is for you to take what you have learned the last 20 years and say "it's not about me." You have to realize that YOU do not wake yourself up each morning. GOD does. And He does it for a reason. He obviously has a purpose for you, and you need to figure out what it is and do it. No, it's NOT going to be peachy. You'll be blessed in several ways, but until you are humble enough to say "not my will, but YOUR will", you'll continue to be broken down. And that's OKAY. Because others will see your example and follow you as you follow Christ. I'm sure that when the end of days comes, it won't really matter who you lived with or how often you partied - God will ask you, "what did you do with what I gave you?" Your gifts, talents, family, friends, time, resources? What about those kids you met on your missions trip? Or your coworkers who you knew needed to hear the gospel? Was this life all about YOU - or all about HIM? I love you as a sister & pray for someone to encourage you as you have encouraged so many others over the years. Relieve the pressure and fall into your calling - His yoke is easy and his burden is light. He didn't say you won't have a burden... He just said it will be light.

Anonymous said...

i am glad you are finally being made to feel so shitty after spending so many of your years making other people feel just that -- and for what? why, wanting to live their own lives!

irony.

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Anonymous said...

so you want your family to support you financially, but you're going to do what you want with their money and they shouldn't argue? very mature and adult-like. if mcdonald's is hiring, then get off your ass and work 3 shifts there. if you want your own lifestyle so bad, then go get it and stop whining. geeze. in the time you wrote this 20 minute blog, you could have applied for jobs. no one's making your life hard but yourself.

Kristi said...

I never wanted my parents to support my financially. I absolutely want to be independent, unfortunatly I got myself into a very sticky situation financially and am slowly paying them back for everything. I am working fully to support myself. I work my ass off continually to make money. And fyi; it's gainesville. YOU try getting a job here. It isn't easy And being I've consistenty had a job for three years, that isn't my issue.

Anonymous said...

Kristi, you sound like my daughter and it's breaking my heart. Yes your family went off the deep edge and overreacted hurting you, but it's just because they love you so much. They make mistakes too. I'm glad you forgave them, that's very mature of you.

Living with your boyfriend is very hard for religious parents to watch. Jesus told the woman at the well to stop living with men, and that the man she was living with now was not her husband. He told her to go and sin no more. Jesus' first miracle was the wedding in Canann where he turned the water into wine. Marriage is instituted by God and yes governments support it. You don't need to be rich or out of your financial problems to be married. Many good marriages were entered into with little or no money.

You can't make something right by doing something you know and have been raised to believe is wrong. You sound like you are growing up a lot, and are smart. This is a hard time of life deciding what road you will take, professionally and spiritually. Spend some private time praying about it, but don't let it overwhelm you. God loves you and so do your parents. Don't give up.

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