Life Flows

Pressure

2011-05-30T19:45:00.001-07:00

What have I done so wrong? At eighteen years old I went a little crazy and did some stupid things. Who doesn't? Who doesn't drink and party and try to experience the world at some point? I comletely despise who I became for a short amount of time, and I did a lot of things I honestly and whole heartedly regret. I was living with my parents, completely not following their rules. and yes, I feel terrible for that. It was absolutely wrong for me to dishonor them and lie to them. But is that completely abnormal? Of course I was going to try to break free. I was cooped up in church and nothing but chuch for years (and yes, by choice.) I wanted to see what else there was, and I saw it. Was it right? Absolutely not. But it never should have been treated the way it was. It was treated way too dramatically. I had never even tried a single drug in my life and yet my famliy still found it perfectly okay to institute an intervention. A literal one. As in ten to fifteen people surrounded me in the living room and told me how terrible I was, and how I needed to turn back to God. They cried and accused me of being cold and distant. They held stacks of my personal emails and facebook messages to prove what a bad person I'd become. They tried to physically hold me down, causing me to panic, which sent me into the scariest asthma attack I've ever had (and had my mom not have gotten my inhaler, I honestly don't know what would have happened). And while I laid on the floor, gasping for air, they screamed at me and cursed at me. They took away my car, and wouldn't allow anybody in our driveway to pick me up. So I had to walk all my things to the end of the driveway, while they watched from the house. All because I started getting drunk at parties and crashing as friend's houses.No, I shouldn't have been doing it, but I was not nearly as bad as I was being made out to be. and instead of taking it, i left.

I got over that. I eventually forgave my parents for what they did and tried my best to have a relationship with them.and so far, we've managed to do a mediocre job of that. But I understood it would take a long time.
I moved out of my first apartment 2 months after moving in because of a terrible situation with a roommate. I lost a lot of money and valuable items living there, and was getting into a bad situation. I had just started dating Dave and he offered to let me stay with him until I could find somewhere new. We never had intentions of living together, and we had only been together merely weeks, so I was definitely looking into housing options for myself. But the more I was with Dave, the more I fell in love with him, and wanted to be with him. After weeks of discussion, we decided to make living together a permanent thing. And I haven't regretted it once. Unfortunately, things have been really difficult. We've had very bad luck so far, and can never seem to be making decent money at the same time. When I first met him I was making decent money at my job, but he started losing hours at his. Then when I stopped making as much, his work picked up. We'd never really both been financially struggling at the same time, so we helped support eachother a lot. Unfortunately we've just never been able to get ahead. And I really feel as though attempting an esthetics career as an independent contractor was a bad financial decision on my part, and now I'm paying for it. But, for the first time, we are both financially struggling, and we've gotten into a bind. We have, thankfully, had so much help from family members, and our landlord is absolutely wonderful and understanding of our situation. We have just hit a rough patch that we're slowly making our way out of. That happens to everyone yes? I mean, we're starting our lives and trying to be independent at a VERY hard economic time. It isn't easy to live and support yourself right now.
I've stopped drinking. I get sick at even watching people drink alcochol (and my family will claim it is because they prayed alcohol would make me sick). Honestly, I just had one too many bad nights, and I just don't enjoy the stuff. I never party. And downtown on a Saturday night only pisses me off. I spend my nights at home watching Jeopardy and playing with my cats. I'm not very social, and I've become a lot more of a private person. I feel as though I'm growing up a lot. I don't like the things I used to, and I'm a lot more ambitious minded. This past year has made me grow up so much, and I'm over the things I used to do.

Yet somehow the life I'm living is sinful. It's wrong. It's disgusting. It's horrible and God hates it. I am not going in the right direction. I'm failing, making bad decision. I am disrespectful and won't listen to anybody for help. I ignore the help and support of others. My life is crumbling and it's my fault.
Why? What's so wrong with me? What is wrong with what I'm doing? I'm living with my boyfriend...is that the best that can be thrown at me? I love this man. I am in love with him. I'm going to be with him for the rest of my life. He supports me, encourages me, respects me more than anybody I have ever met, and wants nothing but my happiness and success. He takes care of me to the best of his ability and I know he would give up anything for me. He's already given up half of his family just being with me. I'm going to marry him one day, and we're never going to be apart. So why is it that today it is disgusting and horrible for me to sleep next to him at night, but if I were to marry him tomorrow it would be pure and heavenly for me to lay next to him? That makes no sense. A piece of paper is the only thing we do not have. We have the love. We have the support for eachother. We have the desire for a life together. (something half of these people that are unhappy with my living arrangements DON'T have) Why do we have to be married for it to be okay that we share a place together?

Why is it wrong for a woman to live with a man she is not married to that respects and loves her more than the world, but somehow it is wrong for a woman being treated like trash every day to divorce her husband? I don't like this system and I won't abide by it.

I am twenty years old. I am an adult. And honestly, I'm going through the hardest time I have ever been through in my life. I am struggling and it's difficult. But I'm remaining positive. I'm happy. I'm stressed but I'm still happy. That's more than I can say for most of the people telling me how to live my life. In fact, the people criticizing me the most are some of the most stressed, worried, and sad people I've ever seen. I don't want that. I want happiness. I want more than Gainesville, Florida. I want more than everything I've already seen. I want to be happy, successful, and have a wonderful life with my guy. I am miserable here and it has nothing to offer me. Why would anybody that loves me want a life of misery for me just for their own selfish gain? It hurts that I'm being treated this way. That I'm being financially helped and supported but in what I consider the hardest time in my life I'm not being emotionally supported. I'm really not a bad person. I'm really not making terrible, fatal decisions. And I'm sick of guilt being placed upon me day after day and walking around with a load on my shoulders, partially hating myself because it's being drilled into my head that I'm a bad person.

I've got to do something pretty messed up for my own mom to tell me she hates what I have become. But if it is wrong and messed up for me to just want more out of life than Gainesville, Florida, so be it. I don't care anymore. I refuse to be made to feel guilty for wanting a bigger, better life. I refuse to be made to feel guilty for being down on my luck and thankfully receiving the help and support of others. I refuse to be controlled and told what to do. I am a twenty year old adult and I live on my own .I would love help and support. I would love encouragement and kindness. But I'm not interested in the judgementalism and the guilt. I'm done being made to feel bad. I'm done letting somebody else tell me who I am and that it is wrong. I love myself and I love the life I'm making for myself. I don't have a lot and it will be a long time before I have nice things and can do everything I want, but I will get it for myself I and I will prove to every single person that believes I'm crashing slowly that I can absolutely make it and I will not regret what I'm doing.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with me living with Dave and I refuse to believe there is. I'm sick of these pointless rules that mean nothing. I'm sick of hearing that a piece of paper decides it's okay for me to love my boyfriend and be with him every day. I'm happy and I'm going to continue to live life how I want it, not how somebody else wants it. Because that is no way to live. And I don't want to live that way.

It's sad to know that by some, this attitude of mine to want a different life for myself is viewed as disrespectful and wrong. When all I all I really want is a normal, happy life with the person I love. And I really don't believe that's really so wrong. I'm hurt beyond belief, because I never thought the people that have claimed to love me the most would make me feel so horrible about myself. The constant critisiam and guilt has slowly been breaking me down. Its haunting me on a regular basis, giving me nightmares and consistantly making me question everything I do. And its sad to know that the only way to make it stop is to completely change who I am becoming and become what someone else wants. And that, to me, is very very sad.

I'm not fifteen anymore and to believe that a person will be the same person at twenty as they were as a kid is, to me, terribly naiive. And to make them feel guilty for who they grow up to be is one of the worst things you can do to someone you love.

First Post of The New Year

2011-01-06T12:18:00.000-08:00

When I love and care about another person, I want justice and punishment for anybody that does them wrong. When a guy hurts my best friend, I want to take him down. When one of my boyfriend's friends is being completely wrong towards him, I want to let them know how wrong they are. That's just how I am. If you hurt somebody I love or care about, I don't like you. I guess that's why it hurts me so much when people seemingly close to me don't care about it at all. When my ex roommate took everything from me this Summer, it destroyed me. It put me back months financially, left me out of a place to live, and continually put me in extreme dangerous situations on a regular basis. I will probably hate him for the rest of my life. I will probably forever want to let him know how scum I think he is for what he put me through. I guess I would just expect the same from all my friends and family. I guess I wouldn't expect to be too happy when my boss (at the time she was my boss) who "considered me like a daughter" to her wanted to give him a Christmas present to "cheer him up. " I guess when my "friends" don't express a mutual dislike for him and try to tell me I handled the situation wrong with him, I'm going to take offense. My boyfriend loves and adores me, and wants only the absolute best for me in my life. When he sees Ryan, his blood boils - and you can see it. He goes crazy with anger and the only thing in his eyes at that time is revenge. My parents both love me more than I can know, and both of them, given the chance, would probably take delight in giving him what he deserves. They feel this way because they love me and know what he put me through. If you're somebody I consider close, I would do anything in the world for you and I would demand revenge on anybody that caused pain and hurt in your life. Because I believe to be a friend, you have to show full support for you and anger about the things that hurt you. If you're going to talk down how I "handled" the situation or act as though what he did doesn't deserve the attempts I've made to make sure he gets his, you're not a true friend and I'm not interested in your "thoughts" and "opinions". Because the last thing I need is somebody I consider my friend telling me I'm wrong to feel hurt, destroyed, and have a desire to get even with somebody that tried to completely ruin my life.

I was just fired. I have too much to think about it. Dave and I have high hope to move to Orlando in the fall. He could work at one of the numerous resorts and banquet centers at Disney, and I could have so many freelance makeup artistry opportunities there as well. There is so much more for us in Orlando than there is in Gainesville. We have nothing here. We want success. We want a future. And we're going to take it. When Orlando was discussed, we'd decided it'd be sometime in the fall, 8 months from now, that we would move. When my boss caught wind, she fired me immediately because of my plans to leave. I'm now jobless, and completely without the resources I need to continue the makeup artistry career I just spent time, effort, and money promoting for. If it weren't for Dave, I'd be a mess.

I only have one life to live. I don't get so much time to do the things I want. If I want success in the future, I have to start now. Sure, I could find a full time office job making $10 an hour with benefits. But in ten years I'll be still stuck at that boring, suffocating office job wishing I had done more with my life and taken more chances. I'm growing up, and learning as I go. I can't guarantee all my dreams will come true in Orlando. But they sure won't come true here. I have to make a path for myself and work hard to get to the end. I know I can, and with the help and support of my amazing boyfriend, we could create a beautiful life together in Orlando. Especially before we settle down and get married and have children. I'm excited for what the future brings.

There's so much to get done, and so many things to think about. Praying one of these jobs comes through and I get out of this unemployment rut immediately. I know it will all work out, and I know I'll have this nice life with all these nice things and no struggles, I just don't know how long it will take.

New Years was great, and I'm stoked to start 2011. I feel big things will happen this year. Dave quit smoking, and so far is doing phenomenal. I am so very proud of him. My resolution? To move to Orlando and establish myself there successfully. It will happen, because I'm going to make it happen. Happy 2011, Friends!

Change

2010-11-04T16:03:00.000-07:00

If I could, at this point in my life, pick one piece of advice that I would strive to instill in my children one day, it would be this;

Nothing lasts, and everything changes. Things you love will become things you hate. People you know will become strangers of the past. Life is constantly changing and there is nothing you can or will ever be able to do about it. So prepare yourself for change, and take it the best you can when it happens. Because it will happen.

I just started my new position as assistant manager at the Body Shop. My last shift at Merle Norman was yesterday. I am totally and completely emotionally torn. Where I am now has so much more to offer: Higher pay, more (consistant) hours, tons of advancement opportunities, and easy transfer should we decide to move. I just cannot let go of Merle Norman.

I wasn't completely miserable at Merle, but I was starting to see that it was getting me nowhere. My boss was saying she was selling the store, then she'd talk about building onto it, and I just didn't know what to believe. Not to mention I was making minimum wage with no possibility of a raise. I knew there was no moving up. I knew if I stayed there, I'd be the same girl working there for two years making $7.25 an hour, and not doing anything more. I couldn't let myself do that. I could not allow myself to be that girl. I wanted bigger, better things. And when this new job opportunity presented itself, I couldn't pass it up.

I already miss Merle. I hate that I spent two years of my life pouring every ounce of dedication I had in me to that job, and I came out with nothing to show for it. Merle Norman has been the only constant in my life for two years that I have been totally and completely proud of and confident in. And going from being in an environment where you know everything about anything to one where you're consistantly lost and confused is a very hard thing. I know this new job will take time. I know that eventually, once I get into the swing of things and finish my training, this job will be a piece of cake and easy as pie. I just need to patiently wait for that time to come. And until then, it will be hard.

Life can change in a split second, and adjusting to change can be one of the hardest abilities you work to improve. I can imagine that it's one of those things in life you have to continually learn; adjustment. But I am adjusting, and I am doing my absolute hardest to see the light at the end of this tunnel.

Fresh Air

2010-10-07T17:09:00.000-07:00

The night I posted my last blog post, I showed up to Dave's work after having had a big fight hours before, and he surprised me with a small vase of flowers he handpicked around work. Then he drove me to downtown Alachua for a long walk. We snuck onto the playground of my old elementary school and swung on the swings and just talked. I wish he knew how special that night was to me.

The way he looks at me and tells me how beautiful he finds me gives me so much reassurance I'm destined to be with him for the rest of my life. I can't give this up...

I've been incredibly unhealthy lately. With what I eat, how I sleep, and what I watch/listen to has put far too many toxins in my body and in my life. I'm making small life changes to cleanse all of the life toxins out and make my health and my life a little less cluttered and a little more stress free. We're going on a three day trip to St. Augustine for his birthday next week; That will help majorly. I need room to breathe, and I feel like I don't have that.

I need a breath of fresh air...

Picking Battles and Breaking Out of Routine

2010-10-05T14:42:00.000-07:00

You can read every book ever written on dating and still have no idea how to have a relationship.

I'm learning more with every argument to pick my battles. My mom always used this phrase as I was growing up, and I never really applied it to my life until now. I am an incredibly stubborn and hard headed person. If I get something in my mind, it better happen, otherwise I'm going to fight until it does. This isn't an okay way to be. I love Dave with all my heart and I hate fighting with him. I find myself coming to points where I realize that arguing my point is only going to make our fights worse, and all I want to do is surrender and let him take the argument. I can't decide if this is healthy or not. I believe fighting can be very healthy in a relationship because it's important to communicate our ideas and feelings with one another. But at the same time, I often find it doesn't get me anywhere but in a bad place with the one I love. But then, when I give up, I feel left with all of these feelings and opinions and thoughts about our relationship that just go unsolved, and still continually bother me. And I don't know what to do about that. I'm at a complete loss at how to handle these things. It's important not to make everything a fight and to sometimes just learn to pick your battles, but when you do that you're left feeling like nothing was solved or accomplished, and you're still left with hurt feelings and unresolved wants. I wish I knew how to do this.

I wouldn't change my living situation with Dave at all. I love coming home to him every day and waking up to him every morning. My world wouldn't be half as fulfilled if I couldn't be next to him every night. But I do believe we made a big mistake by living together so soon. Because we live together, we find it much easier to form a scheduled routine that we don't bother too much getting out of. We don't date. We don't go on walks together and I don't get taken out to dinner anymore. I understand that relationships take their course and go through stages, and eventually, that's going to happen anyway. I just feel like it came too soon for us. What I loved about Dave so much in the beginning is how, though I was seeing somebody else at the time who never took me on dates or treated me to anything semi nice at all, Dave would woo me with dinners and these special times together. I don't even need a dinner. I don't need any money spent on me. I've been talking about taking a walk together for over two months; that would be sufficient enough as a 'date'. I just want out of our routine and back into this spontaneous, exciting, surprising relationship. We've gotten too comfortable. I wish I knew how to fix that. And I wish I knew how to make it happen without having to fight over it and complain to him that I'm not getting that. He continually brings up respecting his wants and needs, and I need mine respected too. We're both in the wrong, and I wish I knew how to resolve it other than throwing my hands up, apologizing, and letting it die out.

I wonder if it's only about picking battles, or if it's more than that.

I love him so much. I just wish we could have stayed in a fresh, new relationship for longer. It only lasted about a month, and that's just too short. When you get settled down, get married, and have children, you don't have nearly as much time to do those things you can when you're in a new relationship. You HAVE to be comfortable and routine. We're not forced to do that, we just do. It's our own faults for settling in with each other so quickly. And it's just a hardship in our relationship that we have to work to get through and over. And I'm willing to do that. I only wish we did more with one another out of our daily routine. I miss the newness of our relationship. I miss going out to dinner and then spontaneously deciding on a late night trip to the beach. We don't have the money for fancy dinners and long road trips. But we have time for a late night walk down our neighborhood or a cute Friday night date to an inexpensive or free local event. It would just be nice to take those opportunities while we still can.

I'll figure it out, I'm sure. And I'm far aware that we're both tired, we're both pretty broke, and we both have certain things we don't enjoy doing as much as the other. I'm just too change-focused as a person to continue a daily, repetitive routine when I am constantly with somebody I love more than life and could spend so much more time with doing fun and interesting things to better our relationship and grow us closer as a couple.

Waiting For The Curveball...

2010-09-28T15:41:00.000-07:00

I'm so happy I never have to worry about "waiting by the phone" ever again.
I'm so happy I've found my forever in you.

We went to Daytona the other day and it was absolutely wonderful and much needed. It was the most perfect date I've ever been on; Beach, arcade games, funnel cakes and ferris wheel rides.
But anything with him is something amazing...

I have my first training day of my new job on Sunday, and I'm pretty stoked about that. The way things seem to be going financially, it doesn't really look like I need it. But the extra money during the week should be nice, and I'm definitely pretty excited. Everything seems to be looking up...

I stopped drinking for the most part. I was certainly starting to see a pointlessness in the partying and social drinking. Dave had been driving a big point in for a very long time and it wasn't one I understood until after the last party I came home from: Partying is what single people do to flirt and look for somebody to hook up with.

I kept arguing back that it was just something fun to do with friends on the weekends, and completely harmless. But I started to see that if you take away the drunkeness and the flirtatiousness, you really don't have any "fun" at all. It isn't something I need in my life, and probably never was. It's definitely not something I'll ever need again. I've found what I need in Dave, and I'm really not interested in doing all of the "single" things I did before. I haven't been to a club since we've been together, and I've been to enough parties to count on one hand since then as well. If I'm going to drink, it's going to be casually, at home, with my guy. That is the new rule. It just doesn't have the appeal that it had before, and I finally did come to realize that Dave was right about the partying. I'm getting older, and I'm starting to settle down. I feel past those things. I'll probably still go out and have a good time with friends every now and then, but nothing like I did before. If I had the choice to go out on a Friday night or stay home with my guy, cook some dinner and cuddle up for a movie, there really wouldn't be much of an option for me. Dave takes top priority, and I know he feels the same about me.

We're doing great financially, and the saving and living so frugal has finally started paying off. Apparently I've been building great credit, because my credit limit just increased. We're both getting more hours and more extra money through the week we didn't budget for, and our bills seem to be paying themselves easily. Life is definitely heading up; though I've come to realize that those times when life seems to be going great, you're always thrown a curveball. But after recent circumstances and life events, I think I'm more than well prepared for a curveball, whenever it may come.

...So bring it on, life. I'm not scared at all :)

Dave

2010-09-24T12:39:00.000-07:00

I never could have thought I would ever feel this way again. The stomach butterflies, the ever increasing heart rate, the smiles and the feel good moments that make you believe everything bad in the world no longer exists. It's exactly how he makes me feel. And it's everything I've ever wanted.

I've been doing quite a bit of thinking, and I've come to the conclusion that I can no longer be judgemental of the relationships of other people and what they have or believe they have. My relationship with Dave has every right to be judged, because of the circumstances it developed in and considering how quickly it moved into comfortability and permanance. I've only known him for months and I'm still already prepared to spend the rest of my life with him. That isn't normal, and it isn't very smart.

...Then again, I never claimed to be very intelligent.

I'm completely wrapped up and I know I can't explain it, and I'd never want to escape it.

I never thought I'd live with someone before they had a ring on my finger and lifelong commitment to me. Then again after 19 years of being on this earth I've seen enough to know that a wedding band and some legal papers is no more of a commitment than what I currently have with Dave - only we're probably much happier than most couples that have those things. I swore I thought our living arrangements were only temporary, but what started as a temporary state of help turned into my first ever experience of being in love. And I couldn't let it go. I've believed to have been in love before. I've sworn up and down I've loved other guys in the past. I've told them, and professed it to others. Until you truly fall in love for the first time, and experience how different of a feeling it can be than everything you've ever imagined or seen in movies, and you realize that every devastating, make-you-cry-yourself-sick-or-to-sleep break up was completely worth it because it somehow led you to this one person that makes you happier than anybody should ever be allowed to make you. How laying in his arms is the best feeling you'll get all day, and the one thing you anxiously look forward to from the time you wake up in the morning. How all he has to do is look at you and you feel more loved than you've ever felt. How you could feel unattractive all day until you come home and he makes you feel like the most beautiful things he's ever layed on. You find yourself being happy only when he's happy. You find yourself remembering small things he notes throughout the day and noticing all of the little things he likes and doesn't like and accustoming yourself and your lifestyle to fit his needs and wants. To talk to him and know that he's actively listening to everything you say, and cares about it more than anybody else. I'm completely in love for the first time in my life, and with somebody I've known for only months.

I've had more people than not let me know that living together this soon is a terrible idea. I'm sure even more people than that have plenty to say about it behind my back. I don't care. I know it's not typically smart. I know it's not a very wise decision. But it isn't something I ever want to change. I want him to be the first thing I wake up to in the morning and the last thing I see when I go to sleep. I'm head over heels completely wrapped up in this other person, and to live with him, sleep beside him every night, and be the one person, out of the billions in this world, he chooses to come home to every day makes me the luckiest girl I know. It's beautiful, and it's now my life.

Nobody has to agree with us or believe that we'll make it. We don't need their approval. We know what we want and we know what we have and anybody with objection is only fueled by the jealousy in their hearts. I hated those couples before I met Dave, and it was only ever out of jealousy. so I understand it, and accept it. The only thing we have to worry about is us, and that in itself will eventually prove everybody wrong.

I'm happy. Truly, completely happy. and I believe that everything bad that has happened to me in the past few months, and all of the events leading up to all of it, led me to him. Had I never of broken out of my shell, moved out, and started this new life, I may have never met the one person I couldn't imagine a life without. And just imaging the possibility of things being so different makes me physically sick. If I could go back and change it all, I wouldn't. Because every bad thing was completely worth it.

We struggle a lot, and nothing is ever perfect. We bicker and fight on a pretty regular basis and he drives me crazier than almost anybody else. But he does more good for me than anything, and he makes me feel like the most special, prized woman on the planet. That isn't something you should ever give up should you find it. I understand that for a very long time I hated men with a burning passion that I couldn't even express. I wanted all men to know that they were all completely the same, and no matter how many people tried to tell me differently, I refused to listen and believe there was actually a good guy out there for me. After heartbreak after heartbreak, I couldn't allow myself to have any hope at all of something so incredible and amazing. I'm now coming to the conclusion that what they say is true; It will come when you least expect it. It did, and now I'll work every day of my life to keep it.

I'm just in love...

2 1/2 Months

2010-08-04T07:16:00.000-07:00

Two and a half months ago my life was drastically different than it is today. And I am sure two and a half months from now I will say the same thing. It's amazing how your life can alter so much in a matter of months...days...hours...minutes. I feel like everything bad has happened, and it has all happened at one time.

A little over two months ago I came home, as if any other normal day, only to find that things were not so normal. I was placed in the middle of a room full of people I was familiar with, telling me how much I'd changed and how they did not like it. I was begged and pleaded to "turn from sin" and back to what I was. The problem is, I'm happy with who I am. No, I have not and still sometimes don't make the best of choices, but I'm learning from my mistakes and growing in the process. It was then and there I decided it was time to pack up my things, leave the nest, and start a new life. This new life, however, took an incredible turn for the worse.

I was given what seemed like a great opportunity to live with someone I considered a friend. I'd known him for two years and he offered to let me live bill free until August, which then I'd only pay 300 a month. It was the best deal I would find, and it allowed me to move out of my home immediately. So I took the offer and wished for the best. It didn't take long to settle into my new place and feel like I was at home. I wasn't on speaking terms with hardly any of my family, and I was adjusting to life completely on my own. I had very few family members and friends offering support and help. But I was staying focused and positive, ready to take on this new adult life I'd adopted for myself.

I was seeing a guy at the time that I had been talking to for about a month, and really beginning to give my heart to. He seemed so different, and so interested. I was incredibly excited to see what would become of us in this newly formed relationship. He lived in Ocala and was planning to move to Gainesville soon after. It felt right. I'd given myself and my heart to him on so many different levels, and was already in way too deep. I suppose you could say that was my own fault. But those are the things you learn from. The day I found out he was seeing someone else I was at work, and ready to completely break down. Things began to add up, and I did a little bit of investigating. My quest only led me to one conclusion; I'd been played since day one. And he didn't even have the courage to answer my phone calls. He just dropped me, as if I'd never exsisted. As if I'd never spent countless nights cuddled up to him on his couch. As if we'd never had romantic conversations on Clearwater beach. As if we'd never texted from sun up to sun down. Nothing ever happened. It was all made up.

His dishonesty couldn't have come at a worse time, then again it was only the beginning of my string of unfortunate events. It was nothing compared to what I was about to face. Thankfully, after years of my life spent in heartaches, I'd learned to cry once, pick up the pieces, and move on. And that was exactly what I did. Within days I'd already met somebody new. His name was Shortie and the attraction I had to him was strange and instant, and I wasn't sure why. Nobody else understood what I saw in him. He was furthest from my "type", whatever that may be. He danced, and he was amazing at it. That was one of the qualities that attracted me to him. That and his sense of humor. Now I'm just making things up...the real reason I was so attracted was because he actually came around. I was desperate for the affection of somebody, and his attention was, in my desperation, mistaken for that affection I was craving. I was ready to start something new...or so it felt that way.

This new person didn't take long to consume my life. We went out a few times, and the next thing I know we were spending nearly every second of our available time together. It was not love. It was not infatuation. It wasn't even excitement. It was just comfort. He didn't sweep me off my feet whatsoever, but his distance and inability to express feelings for me made me find a challenge in him. A challenge to make him give me affection. And it was a challenge that I absolutely lost.

The first time I woke up with five different bruises on my arm, coming from a "playful" physical match the previous night slightly worried me; however, not as much as it should have. We had been goofing around and it started with a harmless tickle fight. The next thing I know he had me pinned to the ground, hands around my wrists, playfully yet agressively telling me to "take it". It didn't matter how uncomfortable I was, or how much I told him he was actually hurting me, he didn't let off. He only became more aggressively playful. Sometimes it actually scared me. He just told me to stop being such a wimp. So I took it. And when I pointed out the bruises, he just laughed and told me to get over it.

Things only got harder. I quickly learned to never ask him how I looked, because I'd only get upset with his responses. "Eh, you look okay" or "it's fine" or even "that dress makes you look pregnant" were never answers I wanted to hear. I would do everything possible to grab his attention and seek for him to just once tell me how pretty I looked. No matter what I did, or how I acted, I never seemed to receive the words I wanted to hear from him. And I was only ever disappointed. I strived so hard every single day to win his affection and attention. Slaving over meals. Buying his favorite snacks when I went to the store. Offering my help and support in every aspect of his life. I rarely ever received so much as a thank you. And when we would fight, and I would express my lack of confidence because of his lack of expression of feelings, he would tell me that his "being there should be enough" for me. That it was my own fault I wasn't confident, and not something he could fix. And that if I wanted him to change, that meant I didn't like him for him, even though he "liked me for me". And it was inevitable, every single time, I would be the one apologizing at the end.

I suppose I knew what he was doing. I wasn't stupid. I was very in tune with his manipulation and mental abuse. But the challange was too big for me to give up on; which is why I kept him around. I wanted so badly to win this. I wanted so badly to succeed in gaining his approval and affection. And every single time he wouldn't give it, it was only more motivation for me to strive to acheive it. Then, amidst it all, I met Dave.

The first time I ever saw Dave, I found him incredibly attractive. I saw him at Splitz where I regular for karaoke. I pointed him out to my friends and gushed over how cute I thought he was. Only a couple of times did he glance in my direction, and since I'm typically used to interested guys approaching me, and he did not, I went on to assume he was not interested at all. Apparently this was not the case, and within a very short time, we were drawn to one another. I really don't know how it happened, or the string of events that led us from strangers in a bar to romantic aquaintances talking and laughing at the Waffle house at 1 AM, but I knew that I liked it. And that was all that really mattered. I told him about Shortie, but I think he was very aware of my unhappiness in that situation. I was looking for a way out, a reason to leave. And Dave came along at the right time.

I went out on several dates with Dave, but was still seeing Shortie. Some can call it wrong, but I knew what I was doing. I had become so comfortable with Shortie, it wasn't easy to just drop him because I'd found somebody new. And even though Dave seemed so genuine, and seemed as though he'd treat me well, I was scared any minute he'd change his mind, just as they always do. He'd taken me out on a few dates, and they had gone great, but I was so preoccupied with my then current challenge, I was unable to fully focus and invest in the new amazing thing that had come along. I don't want to say my interest in Dave faded, but it was definitely clouded. Very, very clouded.

The night Shortie grabbed me in anger was the night I realized I couldn't handle him any longer. When I woke up the next morning with a black and blue bruise on my left arm, the only thing I could think was how I would get out of it, and what I would tell people that asked about it. Because I knew they would; and they definitely did. I lied to some, and told the truth to others. I had several different stories, I couldn't really keep up with them. And I'd imagine that most people were aware that I wasn't really "just clumsy". I knew everybody knew, but I guess you could say I didn't really want to know myself. What I did know, however, is that I needed to be done with the situation. And it took me several days, but I finally asked Shortie to pack his things up and pick them up from my apartment. He was angry, posted hurtful things on Facebook, and basically let me know I was nothing to him. But it needed to be done, and I felt great about it.

Though I felt ready to be with Dave, I wasn't. Though I felt and acted okay, I knew that I wasn't. My head was full of mixed and confused thoughts and emotions, and I was nowhere near ready to jump into another relationship. But I did, and that was my fault. Within fourty-eight hours of being "in a relationship" with Dave, I already felt uneasy. I had so many second thoughts, and became incredibly confused. I hated doing it, but I had to talk to him about my second thoughts, and he definitely didn't take it well. I thought he'd hated me, and I think he thought the same thing. He deleted me from his life. He wouldn't talk to me, return my texts, or even acknowledge my presence the next Wednesday night at karaoke. I couldn't blame him, after all of the wishy washy things I'd put him through. My back and forth between him and another person. It felt terrible, and I hated it. Though I knew I wasn't ready to be with him, I missed him more than I thought I would. I wanted so badly to talk to him, but he wanted absolutely nothing to do with me. I felt the need to explain so many things, but knew he wouldn't listen.

At this time we'd been struggling with money. I'd had my wallet with $200 cash stolen from my very home. At the time it never occured to me that Shortie could have been the person to take it, but it's now a more realistic idea. (Then again, seeing how in the course of the two months living there, I'd had three valuable things stolen inside my home, all on seperate occasions, it's making Ryan look really bad as well.) My roommate had lost his job, and was in the process of getting a new one. We couldn't afford our power bill, and it was shut off. I felt so hopeless. I had no money, no power, and no Dave. I was at my breaking point, and I just knew I needed to talk to him. So I texted him and begged him to call me. He did, but he was not very happy. I spent thirty minutes pleading him to hear me out while he gave me the cold shoulder, and basically told me that my explanation meant nothing, and that he was done with me. I'm not sure what changed, or why things shifted mid conversation, but he finally let his guard down, and we talked. It took a while, and a lot of begging on my part, but we mended what I'd broken, and agreed to try to start over; slowly.

Our power stayed out for several days, while I waited for my paycheck so I could pay it. When we'd made the agreement for the apartment situation in the beginning, it was agreed that I would live there completely bill free for the first two months. No rent, no electric. There were also several other agreements made on his part that were broken countless times. But he was offering me a great deal, and I didn't want to complain. So I kept my mouth shut. The electric bill needed to be paid, and he couldn't afford it at the time, so I paid it with the agreement that the amount would be taken off my first month's rent. And I was okay with that. Two nights before our power was turned back on, our apartment was broken into while we were both away. He had several things stolen, including $400 cash, and my $1200 macbook was taken as well. I sat on our couch, in the heat of our apartment, no lights, laptop missing, and I just cried. I felt like the entire world was caving in on me, and I had no idea how I'd handle it any longer. I couldn't understand why such terrible things were happening, and there was nothing I could do to change it.

Over the course of the past two months, I'd developed a love for my new home and my new family. I'd become incredibly close to my roommate's girlfriend, who is currently pregnant with their child. She quickly became one of my best friends, and through being friends with her, I actually became quite a bit closer to my roommate. It was as if we'd had this unique little family, and were about to welcome the newest member into the world. She's due any day now, and I couldn't be more excited for her. I imagined life with her and Ryan and the baby, and how wonderful it would be. As different and unique as our situation was, I absolutely loved and adored my new family, and would do anything for it. Ryan had a lot of control and anger issues, and was a lot more of a drug addict than I'd ever realized. In hindsight, looking back, he reminds me so much of my father. I watched him countless times boss Cindy around and tell her what to do. I'd see her submit to his authority, regardless of how wrong he was. There was nothing I could really do, but be there for her for support. Maybe I was wrong, but I felt like nobody was really on her side, standing up for her. I wanted to be there for her and the baby, and I did the best I could to do so.

Last week my entire world changed. I'd rather not go into detail, but something really terrible happened of my roommate's own fault that caused us to argue. It brought up all of the issues that I've had with him since I've lived there; the fact that I'd kept every end of my agreement and even gone beyond, and he'd broken almost every promise he'd made on his side of the agreement. I wanted to calmly talk with him about it, discuss the issues I'd had, and hopefully make a plan to change things. I didn't intend on leaving him stranded financially. I didn't want to up and leave. I hadn't signed a lease, so technically I could have moved out anytime I wanted; but I didn't want to. Until he went crazy. He refused to talk to me. He refused to listen to anything I had to say. Instead, all he wanted to do, was blow up, slam his fist into tables and walls, and scream in my face. He got so angry and refused to listen to anything I had to say. He kept threatening me and getting closer in my face, and louder with his voice. I finally thew my hands up, said enough was enough, and called Dave to come help me move my things out. We'd finally gotten back to where we were, and even further; we were offically and happily dating again, and I knew I could count on him for help and support.

Within 24 hours I went from a somewhat settled down life in an apartment I called my home, with people I considered my family, to completely homeless, with my stuff scattered among four different locations. It took only an hour for Dave, Alexis, Nick and myself to get all of my belongings moved out of my room and away from such a terrible situation I'd gotten myself into. I cried more that night than I had in a long time. I had no idea where I was going, what I was doing, or how I was going to fix anything. I thought all of the worse had already happened to me, and things were supposed to look up. I had no idea that my life could have gotten so low, and so hard already, in such a short time.

I've had a lot of support from both family members and friends. This has been the most difficult past few months of my life. Some might say God is punishing me for my actions and choices. Some might say He's just trying to get my attention. I don't know if either is true. A part of me believes I'm just suffering the consequences of getting myself in bad situations, and jumping into things that I should have taken more time to think about and be responsible about. I do know one thing, I've learned from every experience I've encountered. As cliche as it sounds, all of it has made me so much stronger. I have my days, sure. And I feel stressed almost all of the time. I probably just need a good vacation. But regardless, I don't feel the need to cry about it all of the time. I don't feel the need to drown myself in self pity and sorrows. What I need to do most importantly is stay focused and positive, and let what's happened not shape me, but allow me to better choose who I want to be in the future. You cannot let your past shape you, you can only let it teach you how to grow up and handle things. Because, as Dave and I were talking about yesterday, this is only a small part of what's to come. I have a very long life ahead of me (God willing) and I'm bound to run into a lot more than just what's happened. I cannot let every bad circumstance or situation hurt me and break me down. I have to let it happen, and then stand up as quickly as possible and continue on. Even if I don't have support from a single soul, I've got to press on and continue life. Thankfully I have a great, mended relationship with my family, incredible friends, and an amazing, supportive boyfriend who I know would do anything for me. I'm blessed beyond imagination, and things could have been so much worse. I'm looking forward to the future, focusing on the present, and letting the past stay in the past and never surface back up. I'm doing everything I can to be a better person because of everything and learn to live life to the best of my ability.

I'm still incredibly hurt over some of the important things I've lost; mainly my friendship with Cindy. Though we're said to be on fine terms, and though she's informed me that my situation with Ryan is not going to interfere with our friendship, I know it will and already has. She's literally been my best friend apart from Lizzy these past couple of months. I've been closer to her than I have to anybody else, and would be willing to do anything for her. I hate that life has put us in such a distant situation, and it will only grow more distant. It hurts me every day. But that's life. You gain, love, learn, and lose a lot. Though I've lost a friend, I've gained an incredible companion. Dave has been the source of so much of my happiness and support recently, and I can't say I'd be as stable without him. He makes me feel beautiful when I don't. He holds me when I need to be held, and says everything I need to hear and more. Not only is he a great boyfriend, but he's a perfect friend. I love that we can hang out, talk, engage in friend-like activites and continually build a trusting, equally mutual relationship with one another. He supports me, and I support him. It's happened so fast, but I've completely fallen for him, and I'm not scared at all. When one door closes, another opens. I believe for everything you might lose in life, you gain something else. And in the end, it all balances out. But you have to learn to see it. You have to learn to take what happens, accept it, and then receive the good that comes either out of it, or despite it. I'm growing a lot, and I'm excited to see what life has in store. I know it'll get harder, but it'll also get better in so many aspects. I'll have plenty of heartaches and failures, but in the same will also have countless opportunities and successes. I love everybody that has helped me and motivated me to keep my head up, and I know that the saying "things can only go up from here" isn't nessesarily true at all, but that I can now use what I've experienced to better go through the harder things that await me tomorrow, and watch my life as I build character and strength, which will only make the good things even more to cherish and love.

Despite everything I am a happy, positive, confident person, and I really wouldn't change my life and the people in it. Only find ways to make every situation I encounter better and more successful.

2010-07-06T14:06:00.001-07:00

Do you ever see or hear something in passing of your daily life that instantly and vividly reminds you of your past? So much so that you can literally feel the feelings you felt back then, as if you were right back in that moment of time? It's a very rare occurance, but it happens to me every now and then. Today I saw a girl that reminded me so much of myself when I was about fourteen years old. I was so different, so vulnerable, so naiive. And so incredibly insecure with myself. I remember the way I liked boys back then was so much different than the way I like them now. "Crushes" were a completely different feeling. A high, almost. In that moment, seeing that girl, I was immediately brought back to butterflies in my stomach and waiting by the phone anxiously. The intense feelings of amazement, infatuation, and insecurity. I was brought back to a place where my knees would fall weak and I couldn't breathe and I didn't know what to say or do when I saw his face. Nervousness. Vulnerability. Insecurity. I used to fall so hard and so fast. And when it was over; devastation. Heartbreak. Tears upon tears upon tears. Countless nights of physical pain brought on by emotional distress. I can't believe how far I've come emotionally to not feel the way I felt back then about like, love, and lust.

...But I miss the infatuation.

I don't know. Maybe I just haven't found somebody that can make me feel that little girl high again. Or maybe I'm just growing up. I wonder if I'll ever meet somebody that does that to me. I suppose it's bittersweet. I don't have the high that I used to, yet I don't have the crash that I used to either. It's so much easier to get over things; get over people. It isn't as easy to love them and feel for them what I used to. I guess it was just childish. But it felt incredible.

Sometimes he gives me butterflies; though I know I've never given them to him. Every now and then, we'll lean in for a kiss, and my stomach starts doing flips. I care so much for him. when he's gone, I miss him. When he's around, I just want to touch him. Communicate with him. Be with him. I don't know what it is, and I'm not very interested in finding out. Only because I know something couldn't last too terribly long. I'm mentally preparing myself for it; and it's okay. Because that crash isn't anywhere near what it used to be. I know he likes me. Or so one would think. But I know he could never feel for me what I feel for him. He'll never look at me the way I look at him. He'll never express to me what I want to express to him. But maybe he was right. Maybe it's never they way I dream about. Maybe all of these "nice guys" that throw out so much nice treatment are just playing a game, and starting it up with their best. They'll get it all out of the way in the beginning only to throw it away after it's far too late and you're already wrapped up. Maybe he's just being as real as they all will be after so long.

...I guess a little reassurance every now and then just sounds nice.

All I know is that I'm comfortable. And I know that I'm happier where I am than where I was; alone. I might would risk the crash if I could have the good with it, too.

Screening

2010-06-12T12:53:00.000-07:00

I'm sorry I've been ignoring you.

I'm screening my phone calls. And not returning texts. It isn't because I don't want to talk to my friends and family. I suppose I'm just worn out of talking about my situation. I think I'm so ready for this whole thing to be over, and yet I'm scared it's only beginning. Sure, my parents and I went out to dinner, and they've been giving me rides until I can have my car back. But we have yet to sit down and actually discuss everything. My mom never acts normal around me. She's basically crying every time I see her. My dad always seems way too chatty, as if he's trying to compensate for how he is really feeling. And I just wish I could skip it. I wish we could skip the awkward moments and all of the 'sadness' and tension. I wish things were completely normal and I could go about my life as if everything is fine.

I guess I'm just tired of the same old "How are you doing?" from everybody where I have to spill all about what's going on with me and my parents. I end up forgetting who I've told what to and it just gets old. I'm tired of talking about it. I'm tired of living it.

Then again, this is life. And I'm going to have to face big things. I can't just skip over the parts I don't like. Though I'd give anything to be able to.

Leave a message after the...

Disappointing

2010-06-12T09:16:00.000-07:00

I feel like such a disappointment to nearly everybody but myself.

It's so confusing when you have one person telling you that you're "bad" and going in the completely "wrong direction in life" and making "horrible" choices...and another is singing your praises. I can't always believe that other people's opinions of me are accurate. But I'm scared my bias towards myself cancels out my own opinion actually being realistic. This world seems more confusing with every day that I'm living in it. I've always felt that the more I studied and learned about God, the less I knew about Him, because there is so much to know. Too much, in fact. I think He made life the same way. I think He made it so that none of us would ever figure it out. It's almost like a game; let's see who can be the first to figure out how to live. I don't think anybody gets closer than anybody else. You can have all of the "wisest" men tell you about their discoveries after years of study and experience, and still have no idea how to live your own life. Because you are the only you.

I suppose that's what I've been so focused on lately...living my own life. I feel as though I've always lived my life for someone or something else. Whether it be my church, my parents, my friends, my attention, my insecurities. I feel I'm finally living life for me; doing what's right for me. A year ago I never would have stood up to my family and told them that I was going to do what I was going to do regardless of what they thought. You could say that sounds disrespectful and cold. But at what point am I allotted the right to live for myself. My parents were given the right to grow up and make their mistakes and live their lives. They were given the freedom to choose what religion they wanted to follow and what path they wanted to take. So was everybody else in this world. When do I get that right? At what point did they assume I could have that same freedom? I'm finally ready to start standing up for myself, even if everybody around me hates it. I'm ready to stop living for the approval of my parents or the love and affection from guys or for successful friendships. I want to live life for me.

I feel as though that right was never supposed to be handed to me.
...or so that's how my parents feel.

I love them so much. I love my family. I love their morals and how close they are. But I feel so different from them in so many ways. I always have, in a sense. I've never fully agreed with them in every aspect. And now that I'm breaking out, discovering this world from a completely different perspective, they hate it. It makes me feel so bad, seeing them so heartbroken and sad. But I almost feel as though they broke their own hearts with their high expectations of me. They want to blame me for their sadness and yet they created it with the high hopes of who they wanted me to be.

What about who I want to be?

Sometimes I wonder how many people are going through this exact same thing. And if I am right or wrong. Because, as stated in the last post, never does everybody agree on anything. And I'm completely lost.

I just know what feels right...

Let's Blog About Our Hearts And The Boys That Break Them

2010-06-11T13:22:00.000-07:00

I feel as though I always have a heart break to worry about...
Or rather, to blog about.

It's such a reoccurring thing for me. Meet guy. Put my guard up. Finally have him and others convince me he's worth my time. Guy leaves.

Except this time he didn't just leave. He didn't do anything at all...except for his ex girlfriend.

I'm tired of the same routine. And I'm sick of every body's advice. Because all of it is completely different. Everybody wants to tell me how to go about my "love life". They all think they know exactly what they're talking about because they have "been there". But honestly, no they haven't. They've NEVER been there because they aren't me. They have never been in the exact same situation with the exact same person and the exact same feelings and the exact same circumstances. So no, they've never been there and never will. This is the advice I get;

"Stop looking for love Kristi. You just need to take a break for now. Don't date anybody. Be single, keep your guard up. Stop trusting every guy that walks into your life. Stop falling for it, and you won't get hurt. "

"Putting up a guard is no way to live your life. You have to take opportunities and use them as experiences. Stop distrusting all men. If you get hurt, so be it. It's part of life and you have to accept it and keep going. Take your chances. You could pass up something wonderful."

I would dare to admit that both of those pieces of advice sound absolutely perfect. Unfortunately they are completely opposite and I have no idea which to take. So I'm taking my own; though I have no idea what my own really even is. I'm just taking it. I'm sick of advice and opinions. Because nobody can ever agree on one thing. Nobody can help me when everybody is helping me.

I feel a bit alone today. I know I'm not. I know I'm never alone. But I feel it.

I'm going to attempt to start blogging again. Who knows how long it will last this time. I feel like the prodigal son with my blog...

Funny I mention that.

Until next time...
(or my next heart break)

Heartbreak: A Secret Strength

2010-01-27T21:26:00.001-08:00

Yesterday I took a trip to Jacksonville to visit family and a friend. I always love the car ride up because it gives me a nice, extended period of relaxing time to myself to think and reflect on everything in my life. Music up, windows down, sunglasses on. I began to think about my most current 'break up', if you will, and the emotional roller coaster it has put me though. My mind has been in such a mixed up state, and my heart in pieces. I started to wonder if I am truly that weak. Can I really be so delicate that something so simple as a petty break up could bring me to a screeching halt, leaving me mentally and emotionally wrecked? I started to feel sad for myself. Angry, even, for being so feeble and powerless of my own life and emotions.

But then something struck me. I started to explore a different perspective. What if the ability to feel heartbreak is not a weakness, but actually a strength that one can possess? What if the fact that we can feel heartache is simply proof that we can feel passion and love to an even deeper level than some others? One cannot feel heartbreak over something or somebody that he or she never deeply cared for. It kills me to know that this recent break up of mine so easily lost "feelings" for me, because it only goes to show that he never truly cared for me in the first place. That in a matter of twenty four hours he could go from telling me "I like you" to reiterating that sentence in past tense; "I liked you." Looking at the situation as an outsider it would appear that he is the strong one, and I am the one with weakness. He was the one that broke things off without a drop of his smile and I was left, crying and confused; devastated.

I would like to believe, however, that it is in actuality the other way around. His blank emotions and comfortability in breaking up with me simply revealed his inability to have feelings for me in the first place; to genuinely feel passion. To love. My strength comes out in my tears because they showcase the very fire of feelings I allowed myself to be consumed in. I could feel for him, care for him, want to give things up for him. I could put myself out there, and risk my heart to experiment with the possibility of love. My passion and my heart for him was a strong quality, a respectable quality that I, with my new outlook, take pride in. I now see him as the weaker one in this entire situation. I feel empowered and refreshed, and proud that I obtain such a powerful ability to love, care, and feel passion...an ability that not everybody is so lucky to obtain.

I'm Really Starting To Worry Myself

2010-01-08T01:07:00.000-08:00

It's 4 AM, and I am awake.

I've got to snap out of this. I'm on the craziest sleep schedule. I'm wide awake at night and then crashing during the day. I'd sleep until 4 pm if my mom wasn't making me get up by 1. I'm losing my head. I'm doing the dumbest, most careless things. Today I pulled into the mall parking lot, meeting up with an old friend, and I left my keys sitting on top of my trunk. When I came back to my car (after having realized I didn't have my keys and running frantically all over the mall trying to find them) I found a note scribbled on the back of a receipt that read "You left your keys on your trunk. They are inside your gas cap."

I thank God for noble, honest people in this world. In my thoughtlessness my car could have been stolen in an instant. And that was the second time this week that I have carelessly set my keys somewhere and walked away. I'm confusing days of the week. I never know what day it is. I find myself saying some of the dumbest things, mindless things. I forget words I'm trying to say. I find myself not being able to remember anything anybody tells me. I forget everything; even more so than I did before.It's like my brain is on vacation; where I need to be.

I can't say I don't know what's wrong with me. Because I suppose I do know. I'm seriously so lost and so confused. And all of these people so recently hurting me is really getting to me. For somebody as social and people loving as I am, I feel like I have the worst luck in that very department. I don't know why hurting me comes so easily for so many people that walk into my life, but it does. I wish it didn't effect me as much as it does. I wish I could shrug it off and go about my life as if they don't matter. I guess I'm just too passionate a person to sit back and do that. Maybe it's a weakness of mine. But when one person leaves my life I break down. I can't handle the rejection and the loss. I just don't do this well at all. And I cope by sarcastically joking it off. By being angry. By putting up ranting and sarcastic Facebook posts. And then everybody jumps on my case about it.

I can't become dependant on Nyquil every night to get me to sleep. But this not sleeping stuff is really driving me up the wall. My body is begging me for rest and I can't seem to find it.

Matthew 11:28

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."

I just want to sleep.

And I want to be happy.

"If you want to be happy. Be."

6:37 AM

2010-01-06T03:36:00.000-08:00

He left.

Just as I had predicted he would.

I couldn't cry myself to sleep, so I just cried myself sick. I've been up all night. My body refuses to rest. I wish my best friend was here. I just made breakfast and the sun will show up soon. I suppose that could be nice. Maybe I'll do some morning yoga.

That paragraph was so very poorly pieced together.

And my entire body hurts. It just hurts.

I feel so finished. Used, really.

I can only believe that I could never be loved the way I've always dreamed of being loved. I worked so hard to put up my guard. I had nearly become pro at limiting my emotional investment in guys...keeping it to a minimum. Not allowing myself to fall. Then he worked so hard to break that barrier down. And as soon as I found myself falling, he was nowhere around to catch me. He spent so much time building up my trust and my hopes only for me to come crashing down; hard and fast. After going through this so many times you would think I would learn to handle it better. You just begin to feel so worthless.

I feel worthless.

My First Love whispers; "I am yours and you are Mine, beloved..."

I honestly and humbly admit that so often it doesn't seem enough. And I hate that about myself. Something's gotta give...or somebody. I think that somebody is me.

"Why Don't You Blog Anymore?"

2009-12-30T18:31:00.000-08:00

I go through phases.

Life is changing daily. I feel like 18 is flying by so quickly. It'll be my birthday before I know it. Friends are changing. People. Places. Situations. Everything. Including boys.

He makes me feel so special. He treats me better than any guy has ever even thought about treating me. I feel like I actually have worth when I'm with him. It's wonderful and I don't want it to end. But I fear that any minute it will. I have to kick this habit of assuming that every guy that walks in will walk out. That's just always how it seems to happen for me. It's what I've become so accustomed to. I don't know why guys treat me like they do. I don't understand why they feel like it's okay to walk all over me. Maybe it's just because I let them. Whatever the case, it's really geting to be all I know anymore. I'm waiting for him to screw up. I just feel as though any moment this will be over and I'll be left completely alone again, wondering why this always happens. It's starting to drive me crazy. With every short response I get nervous. Every time he doesn't text or acts distant at all my entire hope of it going anywhere collapses and I'm sucked back into the paranoia that never seems to get too far from my mind. Everything can be perfect one minute and with one misunderstood sentence I'm back to believing he'll never stick around. I'm scared, and it's worse this time. I suppose it's because I really like him. I'm actually letting my guard down, inch by inch; a little at a time. It's like he's so quickly making me believe there could be somebody out there with the capability of treating me right. I haven't been this hopeful in a very long time; or this scared. There are moments when I can't wait to see what the future might hold between us. And then there are days when it literally makes me sick to even think about a relationship forming. Sometimes I don't even want to do it; I don't want to try to let things happen. I just want to be treated like I mean something. I just want somebody that's willing to care about me for more than two weeks. I'm waiting for one person to make known to me that I have worth and that I am worth keeping. Because more often than not I just can't believe that I am.

I'm starting to think I really don't have a grip on this guy thing at all.

And it scares me more than anything.

I'll try to blog more...

...and I'll make the next one a happy one.

The Last Night

2009-11-17T06:39:00.001-08:00

Last night was a terrible night at Lake City Community College. Where do I begin?

I thought all of the pettiness was over. I thought the drama was over. I thought the comments, looks, and stupid acts were a thing of the past. But I was wrong. I walked into the facial classroom towards the end of the night to find a drawing on the dry erase board. Somebody had drawn a big orange heart with everybody in the class's name written neatly inside with little hearts next to each one. And then, at the very bottom, there was my name, scribbled sloppily in black.

I tried to humor myself with it at first. Even though it really bothered me. The immaturity in this was beyond belief. When I went to grab my phone to take a picture of it, my instructor erased it.

...Tell me there isn't favoritism going on in this place.

After class I walked outside to my car and called my mom. I proceeded to tell her about the childish thing they had done and how it was absolutely ridiculous. I was going on about it for several minutes until they began to walk outside. This is when Carly started yelling at me. At first I had no idea what she was saying as I was trying to ignore comments and continue my phone conversation. But she was relentless, and was only getting louder and much more vocal. So I started to yell back. The next thing I know we're exchanging words in fits of screaming. She was attacking me. I was defending myself. It was ugly. Eventually I got into my car and I sped out.

I am so hurt. I'm also incredibly angry. But I am past the point of wallowing around about it. I wanted something done. Enough was enough. And my mom had the same attitude.

Long story short; she made a phone call today. And after much explanation to the dean of how I have been treated recently, I have officially been moved out of that class. I will finish my hours during the day and leave by the time they get there at night. I will never have to face these people again. I will never have to breathe the same air that they breathe. I am done. And the feeling is amazing. The relief is unexplainable. I feel free.

I stopped feeling strong in this a long time ago. And I've been so ready to just give up the fight. And mostly have. I am so glad this is over. I've been waiting for this day for what seems like an eternity...and yet it's been merely weeks.

If there is anything this situation has taught me is that you can never trust people upon first impressions. And you do not make friends so quickly with people you will have to be surrounded with for a long period of time. When I do find another job in which I will be faced with the same people daily, I will not be so quick to make friends. I will do what I am there to do and keep peace with everybody.

Thank you Jesus, this is over.

Incapabilities

2009-11-11T08:43:00.001-08:00

Yesterday I was texting Abraham, and he sent something that hit pretty hard;

"...You have been hurt I know you're strong and you hide your frustration well behind your smile but you can't take it out on the next guy. Don't go in each relationship thinking you're going to lose..."

I guess you could call it very unfair that, because of a handful of guys that have hurt me, I am bitter towards them all. I like to play a game with myself when I start talking to a guy; It's the "guess how long he'll stick around" game. Typically I give him two weeks, and even that is often quite generous. Then again now I'm getting perks out of the deal; Abraham owes me cheesecake since he bet me the last guy would last three weeks at least...and he only lasted a few days. I'd give anything to see what it is that drives them away. Maybe it's something I could fix...if I only knew what it was.

You can't fix what you don't know is broken.
But something's gotta give.

I used to dream up my wedding day, knowing it was coming any time now. I was patiently and hopefully waiting on the right one to come along and sweep me off my feet. I could see it. Envision it. No longer can I do that. No matter how hard I try I can't even dream up something romantically true ever coming into my life. I'm sure it's bound to happen eventually. I just thought it would have happened sooner than this. Now I see it more distant than ever. And it tears me down.

Maybe I'm just waiting on something big. Maybe my life is going to have something major happen. Maybe that's what my future is waiting on. A girl can dream, yeah?

***

Yesterday's vow to happiness in class went better than expected. I thought I would make it the whole night as I was able to keep my composure and maintain a smile up until about the last fifteen minutes...and then I cried.

Rude comments and dirty looks are a thing of the past. To Amber I simply do not exist anymore. Carly says a word here and there; not terribly sure why. I think the majority of people in the class have a mindset of everything having blown over. They want it to be fixed and there to be peace by acting as though nothing ever happened. Speaking to me as though they never treated me wrong. But I cannot do that. I can't simply smile and let the past be the past; because it isn't the past. And it will not be the past until these people have shown some sort of remorse for the things they have put and are still putting me through. In all of this, I have yet to receive one single apology from one person. They cannot expect to treat me like the ground they step on, and then make it go away by simply acting as though it never happened. Because I am still hurt, and continuing to hurt. This is not right. And I don't believe it ever will be. Their pride has gotten the best of them; and it's ugly.

Even if they did apologize, however, a friendship would never be restored. The only thing an apology would get them would be forgiveness (as hard as that would be) and a peace between us. I could never trust them ever again. I could never have friendship with them because I never really had it in the first place. This is just something you don't get past.
Is that wrong of me?

Who even knows how this all works anymore?
I can't keep up with right and wrong...

2009-11-10T12:02:00.000-08:00

Today I feel beautiful. I feel refreshed. I feel accomplished. I could take on the world.

I spent hours cleaning my bedroom today, and as much as it was very hard work, it really gave me a gigantic sense of accomplishment and confidence in myself. I feel wonderful. Class in just a couple of short hours, and I feel able to take it on with a smile.

I vow to smile all the way through class tonight. All 4 1/2 typically miserable hours.

Swallow My Pride

2009-11-09T20:16:00.000-08:00

Christians are called to live by grace and show the world that Christ lives in them and through them. We are called to honesty. So does that not mean honesty with our feelings and emotions? Should we conceal the real, human nature type feelings that boil up inside of us when faced with terrible circumstances? Are we entitled to put on a smile and show the world how ''joyful'' we are even when we are not, just to protect a ''witness'' we've built up in Christ?

This is something I'm heavily contemplating tonight. I sit here, realizing how much I've talked about the situation I am in at class. I write about it all. I post so many things here and on Facebook. It's something I'm so strongly emotional about. And I know that if I didn't express how I'm feeling, even just a little, I might go crazy.

I have this witness in Christ, as His follower. I am His and He is mine. And it is my job to make sure I don't ''blow'' my witness. But I feel like, as Christians, we become hypocritical (go figure) in our own thoughts, feelings, and emotions, and what we choose to hide from the world. I think it is more important than most things to actually be honest with ourselves and with the world as to what's boiling up inside of us, and how we're dealing with it. I don't want the world to think I'm some emotionless robot. I don't want people to think every thing in my life is perfect. Because it isn't. I want people to know that, as a Christian, I suffer. I want them to know that even though I have been saved by grace and bought by the blood of Christ, I still face issues every day that everybody else faces, and most of the time I respond just as anybody else would. I want people to know that I naturally have feelings of anger, frustration, depression, hatred, aggravation, and pain. I want people to know that I react wrongly to situations. I want people to know that sometimes the way I feel about something or somebody isn't always right, and that I know it isn't right. But it does not dismiss the fact that it is still there.

I want people to know that even though I love Jesus, I am still a human being with human thoughts and human feelings. I want people to know that in no way do I find myself superior or better than anybody because I'm supposed to be living this perfect life. There is no perfection in any human being. And so often I handle things with so much imperfection. But what I want to show everyone is that even though I have imperfection, and so much of it in my life and in the way I handle things, I am still loved and forgiven by Christ. And am being taught, shaped, and molded with everything I am faced with.

I don't want to lie to the world. I want openness about my struggles and how I am dealing with them. Even if it isn't the right way to deal with them. I want everybody that knows me to know that me being a Christian does not constitute some need for people to think I can handle everything with grace and mercy. Though I should always strive to; I do not. And Christ knows I do not and will never get to a point where I always can. I am imperfect. Unable. Weak. Wrong. But I am also loved and forgiven. And God accepts me for who I am, and willing to change those things that I am so wrong in. And there are a lot of them.

I will admit with everything in me that I have been so very wrong in the way I've handled so many things in my situation at school. So much spite, anger, pride, and hatred has built up with every second I have to be surrounded by those people. Forgiveness has been so distant from my heart. But I want to be able to admit that to the world, so that the world can see how at fault I truly am as a human. I want people to know that even Christians feel this way sometimes. And that no goodness is required to be adopted into the family of Christ. Just because I am loved by Jesus does not automatically make me perfect, or make me think that I ever can be. I am so sick of Christians thinking that it is a good ''witness'' to look perfect all of the time. The world knows we aren't perfect. And us acting as though we are only gives them more of a reason to hate us, and peg us as hypocritical liars.

I am who I am, and always will be. I can only hope that pray that God will work in me and teach me how to better handle situations I am faced with. I will always have faults within me and will always be faced with situations that, honestly, the majority of the time I will not handle 100% correctly. But it's in my imperfections that I find grace. Because when I am weak, then He is strong.

Conceit Doesn't Look Too Good On You

2009-11-09T17:00:00.000-08:00

Wipe that smirk off your face, honey
It isn't too flattering.
You only make yourself look stupid
When you walk in like you're something

...because you're nothing.

I never knew a girl
so blue
A girl so cute
A girl so screwed up

Flip your hair
And bat your eyes
Strut your stuff,
Just walk on by...

...I love to see you...
...leave.

To be completely honest,
You'd go better with the trash
In your crown and sash,
You two really match.

...Two of a kind,
Like maggots and flies.

Take a hint,
you're not pretty when you
walk in like you're something,
because you're nothing...

...Conceit doesn't look too good on you.

Today's The Day

2009-11-06T04:27:00.000-08:00

Today is the day I would have been packing up and heading to Ft. Lauderdale for the time of my life. Within hours, everybody will be heading there without me. And I'm stuck back here with a broken heart.

I refuse to stay in this town while they go on their trip. So Lizzy and I are off to Jacksonville to visit Sarah. It should be an amazing time and I would rather be there anyway. I suppose that doesn't change the fact that I am still hurt.

I realized something incredibly disturbing last night. As I was sitting in class, listening to my now ex-friends go on and on about their much anticipated trip, I became so furious. My mind and my heart literally filled with hatred for them. I do not believe, after having gone through last night, that I have ever hated a person in my life. I suppose I thought I've hated people; though I knew it was wrong. But after experiencing the feelings, emotions, and thoughts of last night towards these people, I came the conclusion that this was the first time I had ever felt this way. And it felt awful. I literally loathe these people. I hate them with every fiber in my being. I look at them in disgust. They are absolute evil to me. I find myself daydreaming of them getting a flat tire on the way down south and having to spend the night in some crappy hotel with stains and smells.

It's a dreadful way to feel. And I'm admitting it is completely wrong. I wish I didn't feel this way. I should pray about it. I should pray that God take these feelings of literal hatred from my heart; but I'm too angry to even pray about it. I suppose you cannot help the way you feel. And when you've been treated as badly as I have, I would imagine it would only be natural to feel this way. But I have never felt this way. And it's not fun.

I want to forgive them, and I say that I have. But I am not being truthful with myself, and that is something I honestly confess. I hate them; but I wish I did not.

Jacksonville should be good for me. I will be surrounded by people that absolutely love me, and could never hurt me for anything in the world. If this situation has done anything to me, it has made me realize (even more than I had before) how special Sarah and Lizzy are to me, and how blessed I am to have them. They are what you call true friends. And I am thankful.

Pray for me.

Dancing Dishonesty

2009-11-04T17:19:00.001-08:00

I'll bop my head along

to the beat of your lies.

Tell me the secret,

How do they come so easily?

If I dance to your dishonesty,

Will you at least sway with me?

I suppose it would be like you,

To leave me out on the dance floor.

Just forget everything in this moment

And move

Keep moving, I'll tell you when to stop

Humming along to the

Same old song...

La la la

I love you?

Honey you don't know what love is...

I'll show you...

Move your hips,

Get involved.

I promise I won't call you out

Until they finish playing this song.

La la la

I love you?

Honey you never knew what love was...

I could never show you...

The song is settling down

Last few lines

Make it worth it, make it good

Because this is the last song you and I

Will ever dance to

La la la

I couldn't love you

And Honey, you wish you knew what love was...

But I could never show you.

Fooled, But Not Really

2009-11-04T12:17:00.000-08:00

Let's play make believe, babe.

We'll really play it up.

I'll be a fool and you'll be honest;

They'll never buy it,

But it could be fun.

I never trusted a word you'd said.

But do you blame me?

"You're beautiful" only lasted

Twelve hours

Before you were sending me out the door.

I have a hard time seeing "Good Guy"

Because the moment you opened your mouth

Your cliche words screamed 'Typical'.

You don't fool me...

...But try as you must.

I'll play pretend with you.

I'll nod my head and smile

In response to every poorly formed syllable

that falls from your lips.

Did you make this stuff up?

You've had practice.

And I won't lie...

...You almost had me fooled.

But I'm no fool, baby.

Underestimation,

You thought you had me pegged.

A sucker?

Tell me, how does it feel to be so wrong?

Don't lie...

Oh, and don't apologize.

It isn't like I didn't see this coming.

I was gone from the start,

I just played along

And you were playing with my heart...

But it stopped beating for you hours ago.

I'm not phased,

I wasn't interested anyway.

Backstabber

2009-11-04T09:58:00.001-08:00

Oh hey,

I'm sorry for getting in your way.

I'll close my eyes while you stab me in the back;

a little lower, please...

Maturity was never really your thing,

You tossed that out a long time ago.

Did it take your humility down with it?

If I had a nickel for every time you made it rain...

Ignorance

2009-11-04T09:20:00.001-08:00

Your ignorance isn't bliss today

And never was to begin with.

Your cold stares could kill a thousand men,

or just me.

I've never felt so alone

in a room full of people.

Those cold stares...

They keep me up at night.

Don't worry, I'll be okay,

I'll cry it out tonight.

And you'll never see a thing.

You wouldn't care anyhow.

You eat misunderstanding like it's candy;

...Misunderstand me.

Compassion isn't an action

You've considered lately.

Don't make eye contact,

Because your guilt might spill out.

Don't let me know you're sorry;

Because you're not, right?

I'm not saying I'm perfect.

But pride's got your tongue...

and your heart.

Don't worry, I'll be okay,

I'll cry it out tonight.

And you'll never see a thing.

Just Breathe

2009-11-04T04:46:00.001-08:00

Breathe, just breathe

In this moment you know that tomorrow will be different

But try not to care about that.

Just breathe.

Let him hold you tight,

whisper words tonight that will

make your heart skip a beat,

maybe two...

Sweet nothings that you will despise in the morning,

when he's finished with you.

Kiss him long enough to make it last.

Kiss him all night.

When you're waking up at 8 AM

and he's sound asleep,

try not to cry.

Just breathe.

I've never seen such a pitiful site

as you slipping out from under the covers

of the bed that you will never see again.

You shrug it off,

pretend not to care,

press on your lipstick,

fix your hair.

Keep breathing.

Are you prepared for him to wake up?

Are you ready for him to look at you?

Because when he does, he'll see nothing.

You're of no worth, and his eyes will show it.

Don't kid yourself, honey.

You know you did this to yourself.

Respect for you fell dead,

the minute your body hit his bed.

Are you breathing?

Gather your things and leave,

you'll never be back.

Say goodbye with a smile,

just walk away.

Breathe, honey.

Tomorrow he'll have forgotten you,

and you'll be back in another one's bed,

come three or four days.

And when you do it all over again,

don't forget to breathe.

Recovering...

2009-11-02T19:22:00.000-08:00

I'm doing much better. I only cried twice today.

I have never felt so alone in a crowd of people. But I will be okay.

Tonight I realized how blessed I am. I've got family that adores me, friends that cherish me, and a God that loves me more than I could ever fathom. I have people in my life that would do anything for me, and would die before hurting me. My heart is warmed with these thoughts, and I am okay.

Jesus gave me this the other night while I was sitting alone in class. It was wonderful;

"Hear me, you who know what is right,

you people who have my law in your hearts:

Do not fear the reproach of men

or be terrified by their insults.

For the moth will eat them up like a garment;

the worm will devour them like wool.

But my righteousness will last forever,

my salvation through all generations..."

"I, even I, am he who comforts you.

Who are you that you fear mortal men,

the sons of men, who are but grass,

that you forget the LORD your Maker,

who stretched out the heavens

and laid the foundations of the earth,

that you live in constant terror every day

because of the wrath of the oppressor,

who is bent on destruction?

For where is the wrath of the oppressor?

Isaiah 51:7-8,12-13

Thank you, God, for your protection from my enemies.

Whom shall I fear?

Outcasted

2009-10-29T08:40:00.000-07:00

So once again the flame of my human distrust has been fanned.

One week ago I had a yard sale with two people I trusted my complete friendship with. It was a yard sale that all three of us put a lot of time, energy, and effort into and it was going toward a trip down to Ft. Lauderdale for an Esthetics Convention we would be taking next weekend. I spent so much time (and gas money, being it was 45 minutes away) on this yard sale so that we would have enough money to go.

Monday night I was informed by the girls that they were financially unable to go on the trip, and were backing out. As upset as I was about it, I was willing to let it go...

...until yesterday.

While setting up in the classroom I overheard one of my "friends" say that she hoped the weather would be nice in time for Ft. Lauderdale. At that moment I caught them in their lie. It wasn't that they did not have the money to go on the trip. They just did not, for a reason absolutely unknown to me, want me to go with them. So they lied and told me they were not going when, in reality, they were going with the other group of girls. And I was left completely alone.

That is when all of the rude comments, hatefulness, and outright harassment started occurring. I went into three panic attacks within the first hour of class yesterday. I cried the entire time through my first client of the night - thankfully they wear eye pads. I was devastated; heartbroken.

It is going to be so hard to trust anybody with my heart anymore. Boys break it, girls destroy it. Who do I even trust?

...Jesus.

I am at an utter and complete loss, and, to be very honest with you, incredibly scared.

I could probably write ten pages of information on this situation. So much has happened and is continuing to happen. However I feel as though I've worn myself out with the writing I've been doing in my head. It's all I think about anymore.

I need things to change...drastically.

Trust

2009-10-28T09:05:00.000-07:00

I feel like I'm suffocating in the human race.

For quite some time I've been so bitter towards men. So angry about all of the stupid things they've done to me; How they've hurt me. Now it's not just them anymore. Girls aren't any better. I feel myself losing so much faith in the human race. I remember being so forgiving, so naive, and so trusting of every person I came in contact with...

...That girl is gone.

I find myself meeting people and immediately assuming that everything they are telling me is a lie. I meet people and shortly after start withdrawing myself from them in fear that they'll leave first if I do not. I'm finding that more people than I would have ever imagined are fake and vindictive. The human race as a whole is so messed up. I'm not excluding myself from that generalization.

I don't know how much more I can handle. I've been a doormat all of my life. So forgiving all of my life. I suppose that's the right way to be. But how many times can one person be walked all over until they finally cave in and start standing up for themselves? How far can it go before I put such a guard of bitterness up that I stop making friends all together?

I understand that sometimes we, as humans, set way too high of standards for other people. But heck, how low do I have to take my standards before they become realistic? At this rate, I won't have standards for people at all. People are making me sick.

Boys I thought liked me, even loved me, are leaving me without a second thought. Girls that I trusted with my friendship are stabbing me in the back and not even batting an eye. I honestly and truly don't know who I can trust any more. My two best friends of thirteen years are the only two people (aside from family) that I completely trust with everything in me. Outside of them, I see nothing but a world of untruthful, selfish people that care not for anything or anybody but themselves.

I suppose I'm selfish too.

I find it harder and harder to actually desire to put effort into any sort of a relationship with another person anymore. I just don't want to deal with the hurt it's only ever inevitably to cause me...

Jesus, thank you for your absolute perfection. I wish I honored it more.

This Cold Air Looks Better On Me Than You Ever Did

2009-10-20T08:22:00.000-07:00

This cold air reminds me of you

and baby it looks better on me

than you ever did.

I've got my boots on now,

you've stomped on my heart

With yours.

I've never felt so warm

Inside my sweater

Or hopeful in the arms of another.

But they look better on me than you ever could.

And I bet you're making nice with this weather

I bet you two are great friends

...Birds of a feather.

I haven't wanted anything so bad

As for you to be left out in this cold air

But you wouldn't mind it at all

It isn't near as cold as you

My thermometer outside is dropping

And so is the one in your heart

I see my breath so much clearer

when I'm close to you

And I'll walk out in my winter jacket

Swing my hips and rub my hands

You'll miss me in my winter jacket

It looks better on me

than you ever did.

Bitterness.

It's getting worse every day. Sometimes, ashamedly, I find myself daydreaming of ways I could get back at the men that broke my heart. Ways I could make them fall for me once again only to crush their hearts like they did mine.

That's not okay at all.

Where's my forgiveness? Where is my acceptance for change? I must have thrown that out the window a very long time ago. Now all I desire is to get even. I really don't like myself for that. I suppose I have a lot to work on.

Sometimes I'd rather not work on it at all.

I've Got Issues

2009-10-17T16:20:00.000-07:00

Well, I'm back.

It's been a long time coming. I've been wanting to start blogging again, and just never have any motivation. Maybe I'm lazy. Who knows.

Things only seem to go downhill. School and work partially consume me. I try to get out as often as possible. I've made new friends, which is cool.

I've changed drastically. But not all of it is so bad. I've matured quite a bit. My best friend mentioned my change the other night. She has slowly been noticing my hard hit with reality and the way the world works. I've stopped trying to change or be upset over the things that are inevitable, and have quite quickly come to grips with the reality of how this world and the people in it operate. I'm learning pretty fast that there's only so much I can help; the rest is up to life.

I'm really not trying to become bitter, but it's all I can seem to be lately. I feel so used and screwed over by men in my life. Just last week I was stood up for a date. Shortly before that I had a little bit of a crush - literally, a crush. I've nearly given up the game. Stopped trying. What's the use anymore? I've, for so long, wanted and desired so badly to fall in love and make marriage and a family so young in life such a high priority. That is no longer the center of my goals for the future. I feel it such a distant hope. I don't feel as though I can keep a guy around long enough to fulfill that. They come, they experience, and then they leave when they've had enough. It doesn't take them very long. Maybe one of these days I'll figure out why that is.

Do I have something in my teeth?

Jesus is calling. Sometimes I have a hard time answering.

Stand Up, Be A Man About It

2009-08-05T15:00:00.000-07:00

If my attitude be one of fear, not faith, about one who has diappointed me; if I say "Just what I expected," if a fall occurs, then I know nothing of Calvary love.
Amy Carmichael

I feel like I cannot forgive him, though he, in the grand scheme of things, did absolutely nothing wrong. One cannot help when God changes one's heart. Yet I find myself so angry, so bitter. I don't want to be friends. I don't want to see him. I do not want to even speak to him. I want him gone forever, so I will never have to worry about him breaking my heart again. I knew this would happen. And according to Amy Carmichael, I know nothing of Calvary love.

I'm so bitter. And sometimes I feel as though I have every right to be. I even have people telling me I have the right. People remind me of what he said and what he did in opposition to his own words.
He's eating them now.

I wish I could move on as though nothing happened. I wish I could let it go, not speak a word of it. Not even think it. I'm stuck in my bad attitude.
And yet it's all my fault. Somehow my heart didn't start beating for him until it was two late. I had him and I knew I did, but did nothing about it. I didn't want him. And now that I want him more than ever, his heart's stopped beating for me.

No words have been spoken. And as much as that frustrates me, I like it to be that way. No attempts will be made on my part. And the attempts from his side will be rejected.
Is that really Christ-like?

Am I making any sense?

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your heart and your minds in Christ Jesus”
Philippians 4:6-7

I didn't do a very good job of not being anxious for anything.
God did an amazing job of guarding my heart.
But I'm still so very hurt.

Of course I know that if we talked about the situation, I wouldn't be surprised by anything he had to say. I've known the way things were going for so long now. I knew I'd be rejected and I was prepared for it. What kills me is that he isn't even man enough to bring it up. It's as though he expects me to assume.
What if I really had waited on you? I'd bet a million bucks you'd feel like a jerk.

Selfish and Needy

2009-07-28T15:57:00.000-07:00

I'm only about a week or two away from rejection.
I don't want this again. I wish it would go away.
I don't even want to see him because I know exactly what he'll say. And though I've been telling myself every day since he's been gone, preparing myself for it, I don't want to actually hear the words.
I'll only block it out. I hate putting up these stupid walls all the time.

Life is just so...busy. What more could I really say about it? Lizzy comes back so soon - and I cannot wait another minute. I wish she would have never left.
I am so very selfish sometimes.

I want life to either rewind a year or fast forward a year. I don't want to be in the present. This entire summer has been terrible.
And the one thing I was looking forward to most was taken from me too.
I should be in Honduras right now. but I am not. And for that, my heart completely breaks.

I want a lot of things.
I want my best friend.
I want some almond MnMs.
I want my nose pierced.
I want Jesus.

I wish I could update with something fantastic.
Sorry for letting you down.

Sorry It Took So Long

2009-07-18T14:31:00.000-07:00

I've had so much to blog about and yet no interest in doing so.

Sarah's back and my life is next to complete.

Everything is slow and harsh, it seems. But every now and then things start to look up.

I have somewhat of a "date" next week. I'm being set up by my aunt.
We're going to a country concert.
Hey, whatever works, right?
This should be rather interesting.

PS
I want to move to the beach.

Sometimes I just get the urge to email my brother and say hello.
Until I remember what he did to me...then I get sick to my stomach.
It takes everything in me not to hate him. Only Jesus is holding me back from doing such a thing as that.
I cannot wait to find a man that will never dream of hurting me like most of them have. I feel so desperate sometimes. And all I ever hear is Jesus whispering that He is that one.

<3

Summer Seems Too Long This Year

2009-07-11T15:45:00.001-07:00

I'd give anything to be able to call up my best friends right about now.

I'm going out tonight with Kiefer to Gator Dockside to watch some sort of big, important fight.
I'm not terribly sure how interesting it will be, however the social atmosphere would be nice.
But it's 6:47 PM and I am absolutely exhausted. And it doesn't even start until around 10.
It's going to be a long, long night. But fun, I'm sure.

I've been looking forward to this Honduras trip for a year now - ever since I got back from last year's. There's a very high chance it's been cancelled. I cried when I found out. Why is this summer going so badly? Why is everything going wrong? I lost a good, long time friend. My dad and my brother both broke my heart - again. I missed out on an amazing guy. My two best friends are completely gone and out of touch. And now the one thing I was most excited about this summer is being taken away too.

What is happening?

I prayed for Sadie today. I haven't prayed for her in a long time. I've been so bitter. But I prayed everything good upon her. I just hope she's doing well.
I miss everything we had.
Sadie, if you're reading this; please know that I still love you very much.

***

So two guys just walk by;

Guy 1: Dude you just drank beer. Are you sure you can drive home?

Guy 2: Yeah dude, I'm fine.

You're an idiot. Both of you.

***

As I'm walking into work today two kids (probably around 13) were sitting on the bench staring at me;

Kid 1: Whoa you know HER?

Kid 2: No

Kid 1: Ohh I was about to say...You're LUCKY!

I mean, I guess I was flattered?

Talking and Crying

2009-07-09T07:39:00.000-07:00

This morning started off as a very bad morning.

It's very rare that I open here at Merle Norman. I typically work the late shifts. However my boss is out of town and needed me to open up for her this morning. I set my alarm for 7 AM to give me plenty of time to get ready, get gas, and be at work by 9:45 (I open at 10 AM sharp). For whatever reason, my alarm chose not to go off this morning. I woke up to the phone ringing.

I look down at the time and it is 9:20 AM.

I said a few choice words as I was throwing on clothes and getting myself together in probably the biggest hurry of my life. To make things worse, I couldn't find my keys. I left the house about ten minutes after I woke up. I packed all my hair products, and thankfully I work in a makeup store where I can just do my makeup at work. I sped out only to have my gas light come on. I couldn't go without stopping for gas.

Needless to say, I was stressed out. Big time.

Then I stopped. I took a breathe, and I let out the words, "Father...Jesus..."

It was probably a good sixty seconds before I said anything else. It took me a little bit of time to actually get to a place where I felt like I could talk to God. Where I could push everything out, relieve my mind of all the stresses, and just talk to Jesus. So I did. It seems as though lately I cannot talk to Him without crying. Every time I pray lately (which is not even close to enough recently) I'm always led just to praise Him. I don't even think about my problems. All I can seem to do when I come into His presence is tell Him how beautiful He is; how wonderful. Tell Him how unworthy I am, and how I cannot even understand what it is that keeps Him in me. I'm just amazed. And I cannot tell Him these things without crying.

Savior draws me to tears every single time.
And I wouldn't want it any other way.

Jesus took an extremely stressful situation and turned it into a time for His glory and Honor.
And I made it to work with ten minutes to spare.
I love, love, love Him.
Have I mentioned that I love Him?

Oh, if only the world knew. If only the world could see how amazing He is. How incredible. How absolutely beautiful and awesome He stands. I cannot get over it. I cannot get past it. I cannot ever forget it. He is the most beautiful person in my life and so often I push Him out. So often I put other things, other people in front of Him. That is enough. I want Him to be first always. I want Him to reign over my life. I want people to see Him lived out in my life.

This morning I prayed "Jesus, I don't want to be selfish anymore. I don't want to be full of myself. In everything I say and everything I do I want it to be what you are saying and doing through me. My hands are Your hands. My feet are Your feet. My lips are Your lips. Use me according to Your will."

I need to let that be the prayer of my life.

Sing us a song
And we'll sing it back to you
We could sing our own
But what would it be without You?

Paramore

2009-07-07T07:48:00.001-07:00

Well I think we've taken this too far,

Don't you know that

It's not this hard

No it's not this hard.

And if you ran away

I'd still wave goodbye watching you shine bright.

***

I am officially broke.

I took out around $150 yesterday from my car fund (which had around $200) to get a part in my car fixed. Kiefer and I went to see a movie to waste time while my car was getting fixed. I left my wallet at the theater - with all of the cash for my car.

When I came back to get it around half an hour later, it was still sitting right in the seat.

But all of my cash was completely gone.

Thankfully my cards remained in their normal spots.

Needless to say it was a very unhappy day for me yesterday. I am now very broke and, for the first time in a long time, not financially stable. I think I'll just sell a lot of my stuff on craigslist.

Yeah, that sounds good.

I really miss Sadie.

And my best friends.

Going to Kiefer's today. That should get my mind off of things.

It's raining.

And I absolutely adore the rain.

Down The River

2009-07-05T21:05:00.001-07:00

Today I went to Kiefer's house.
And we went canoeing in his back yard;

That was honestly the most fun I've had in a very long time.

My knees are burnt.

***
And here we go again
With all the things you said
And not a minute spent
To think that we'd regret
So we just take it back,
These words and hold our breath
Forget the things we swore we meant

I'll write you just to let you know that I'm alright
Can't say I'm sad to see you go
Cause I'm not. (No I'm not) Well, I'm not.

And here we go again
With all the things we did
And now I'm wondering
Just who would I have been
To be the one attached
At all time to your hip?
Forget the things we swore we meant.

I'll write you just to let you know that I'm alright
Can't say I'm sad to see you go
Cause I'm not, no I'm not.
Well, I'm not. (No, I'm not, no I'm not).

I thought of you today and smiled.

I miss Sarah and Lizzy.

Better Than I Expected

2009-07-04T20:56:00.001-07:00

There was a small moment watching the fireworks from my back porch where I wished you were here celebrating with me; holding my hand once again as we watched.

But all I could do was smile when I realized how happy I am without you.

I've come such a long way; and I'm not stopping now.

John played Wii with me; kicked my butt in tennis and golf.

And his being here made everything so much better.

The absolute best part of my day, however, and the highlight of my entire week, was when i opened up my email inbox to find a short email from Sarah letting me know how things are going over in Costa Rica. My heart leaped for joy and I even got a little teary eyed. To hear from her was better than anything in the world. I absolutely love and miss my best friend.

Things are actually wonderful.

Tomorrow Kiefer and I are going to go canoeing.

I am stoked.

Happy Fourth

2009-07-04T07:41:00.000-07:00

Never again will I ever start dating someone on a major holiday.

I won't be alone today, which is so very nice!

Thee hundred and sixty five days.

Separation Anxiety

2009-07-02T21:19:00.001-07:00

Today I was sitting at home with some semi interesting news.

It was shareworthy at least.

"I've gotta call Sarah and tell her!"

I can't.

"I've gotta call Lizzy and tell her!"

I can't.

"I'll just call Sadie then."

I definitely can't.

I only cried a little bit.

I'm having separation anxiety. I really, really am. I seriously hope that Sarah and Lizzy truly realize just how much they mean to me. Because when they aren't here I fall apart...literally. I start to panic at random times of the day when it hits me that I cannot get in touch with them at all.

And I really miss having Sadie's friendship in my life. I feel like everything is completely ruined.

Over things that make no sense at all.

It's 12:21. I am exhausted. I have to wake up semi early. I need sleep.

I have so much to do.

I want to lock myself in my room and hibernate until my best friends come back.

I'm making new friends, though!

2009-06-30T20:17:00.001-07:00

I really just want a baby.

Is that too much to ask??

July Fourth, Schmuly Schmourth

2009-06-29T08:47:00.001-07:00

Both of my best friends are officially gone.

Lizzy is in Peru until the end of next month.
Sarah is in Costa Rica for three weeks.
I honestly don't know what to do with myself.

So here comes the 4th of July. I can't honestly say that it will be an amazingly joyous occasion. In fact, just thinking about it makes me feel rather lonely. Last year I had a boy by my side and best friends to celebrate with.

This year I'm single and both of my besties are gone.

I tried getting a hold of Zach to see if he would come cuddle up in the hammock with me and watch fireworks go off at our 4th of July celebration. Maybe then I'd be less lonely.
He won't return my calls or texts. So that's out the window.

Can I find a fling in a week?

I literally have this sunken feeling in the pit of my stomach realizing exactly how lonely I am. I'm too sociable to have nobody around to spend time with. I tear up just writing this.
I really really miss Sarah and Lizzy. This is going to be a terribly long Summer, I'm afraid.

Volunteer

2009-06-28T13:11:00.000-07:00

Today Pastor Mike was talking about some local and global issues that our church is trying to contribute to. Though all three major issues I consider very important, only one stuck out to me the most, and that was the Women's Resource Center in Gainesville. It's a clinic beside Planned Parenthood that offers free pregnancy tests, ultrasounds, counseling, and provides pregnant women with the knowledge that there are many options outside of abortion. Apparently the women that are currently working at this clinic haven't been getting paid since February, and the clinic had to shut down to three days a week (rather than the normal five) because they are just not doing so well financially. And as much as I would love to just have a big check that I could hand over to them, I know that God has something different in mind.

I want to volunteer at the clinic as much as I possibly can. I want to be a part of something so rich in God's Kingdom. I want to do whatever I can to help young women make the right decision to keep their babies in a time of crisis. Abortion has always been something so heavy on my heart, and I really feel as though this is something I could involve myself in - and I really felt God affirming that. I was thinking about my photography and how I can put it to use in the Kingdom rather than just use it for business; I could maybe offer free maternity shoots to these women that have no money. Offer friendship, advice, and godly support. I would absolutely love to be a part of something like that, which is why I am going out there either tomorrow or Wednesday to talk with somebody about what I can do to help.

I am so very excited.

So, for whatever reason, I've been studying the different options that women have for giving birth; hospital birth with medications or natural home births and I think that a natural birth (probably a water birth) sounds so wonderful. There is actually a birth center right here in Gainesville that provides everything you need to comfortably have a natural birth. And I just think that water births are the coolest things. I read stories on women that had them and they said they would never do it differently. Of course, a birth center is much pricier than a hospital birth - but I think it would be worth it.

Maybe I should actually find a man to start a relationship with before I start getting into my birth plans...

ha.

"Where Are You?"

2009-06-27T09:04:00.000-07:00

There are days when I don't even know what to do with myself anymore. I look at my choices, my thoughts, my actions, my desires...and I wonder how I get to such places of unholiness in my life. How do I stray so far? That's when Satan creeps in and makes me feel as if God doesn't even know what to do with me either. It's as though He's given up. He's done. He's the parent of a rebel teen that just can't win and is tired of even trying.

And then God shows me something different.

I am currently going through Paul Washer's One True God workbook. There is a free download on HeartCry Ministry's website. I can honestly say that I am not thoroughly using the workbook, but instead skimming through, working on chapters that spark my interest. In one of the chapters it has you study the fall of man in the garden and the ruined relationship between God and sinful man. It has you read Genesis 3:8-9 and consider God's character in His desire to have relationship with fallen man. And God hit me with something big;

Adam and Eve were given everything. Life was completely perfect, and would be for the rest of the world. It was paradise. When Adam and Eve rebelled against God and ate of the tree, they made the biggest uh-oh this world has ever seen. They caused God's entire paradise, His perfect creation, to fall. They destroyed everything God had given them and everybody else that was to live on this earth. They made the one mistake that eventually cost Jesus Christ His life. Yet in all of that, regardless of the bigness of their sin, God still went chasing after them in the Garden asking them, "Where are you?"

I've always known this passage to represent God's desire to have us even when we mess up. I've always seen this passage as a representation of what God does for His children every time we get off track. He chases after us and gets us right. But I've never seen this passage in the true reality that regardless of the bigness of our evil and sin, God STILL desires and wants us. What Adam did messed up everything. It changed the entire future. Yet in all of that, God still wanted him. And that is so very comforting for me.

2009-06-18T00:57:00.000-07:00

3:58 AM

Something is missing.

Maybe when you come back I'll find it.

Or I'll feel it lost even more.

Wow I am tired, and I want to rewind about a year.

Actually 11 months.

July was cool.

2009-06-16T17:00:00.000-07:00

It's been months upon months since I've even talked with you. We used to be such good friends - talked nearly every day, met for Starbucks chats. Life got in the way and we just sort of went our separate ways. I've commented you numerous times on Facebook, yet you never comment back. I see you today and you look so unpleased (apparently, that isn't a word) to see me. I tell you how much I've missed you and you just half-heartedly laugh and shrug your shoulders. I tell you I want to hang out soon and catch up, and you blow it off and change the subject. When I tell you how unhappy you're making me because you're so uninterested in seeing me - you shrug your shoulders yet again.

I say this so regularly, but I feel it more and more every day;
I feel like a disease.

It's someone new every day.
something different.

There's never a reason given.
They're always just leaving.

I miss them all.
And none of them care.

I need to go blow dry my hair.

Unexpected Revelations of His Love

2009-06-15T14:19:00.000-07:00

I need to flesh something out.

So I'm reading The Shack and, though I don't fully agree with some theological concepts contained inside, the entire essences of the book is blowing my mind, and the love and compassion that exists in my God is so clearly and easily portrayed inside these pages. I have so many notes and thoughts from excerpts of the book that I cannot wait to share here. Be expecting them soon. But there is one point that stuck out thus far, and it's something I really had to stop and think on. Here's my gathering out if all;

'God' in The Shack says this: "The God who is - The Am who I Am - cannot act apart from love."

This stopped me. Whether you're a Calvinist, Armenian, or anything in between, you have the basic yet confusing knowledge that, though God is love, He still sends human beings to hell in wrath and condemnation. It a statement of fact, and one that I know yet have a hard time understanding or comprehending to the fullest. I obviously know the reasons behind it; God is holy and will not allow the presence of the unholy and of sin to stand before Him. I am aware of this. I get this. But it's hard for me to understand how God can have so much love, how God can be love in itself, never acting outside of love, and still send people to hell for all of eternity.

Then it hit me.

God is in a perfect, sufficient relationship with Himself. God, in the essence of the trinity, is totally and completely in love with Himself. He can exist in Himself, with Himself, happy in Himself. God simply loves and adores and cherishes Himself inside the trinity. God is also holy and therefore loves holiness. He loves anything holy and anything of Himself.

However, as Paul Washer puts it, God can hate because He loves. If God loves holiness, He must hate that which is unholy (as the metaphor goes; you love children and therefore must hate abortion. To not loathe the thought of abortion is an example that you only fall short in your love for children)

God's act of condemnation to those that do not believe in Him is His greatest act of love toward Himself. Not every act of love that God bestows is toward us. How could I be so self-centered to believe that when God loves, it's always me that He loves. So often I forget that I am not the center of the world - the center of God's world. How often I forget that God is not only in a relationship with me, but in one with Himself. And if His love for me, small and insignificant me, can be so great and so wonderful, I cannot even comprehend what His love for Himself must be like. I believe that God hates all that comes against me. I believe that God hates that I feel pain and hates when I suffer and hates when my heart breaks because He loves me so very much. In the same way, God hates all that comes against Himself, including sin.
He loves Himself and therefore does not allow the unholiness that is outside of His very nature, in fact opposite, to even come near. It is His process of ridding all that is not of His own love from His presence.

I love learning new truths about the God that I serve. It's beautiful how in one single moment God can show me something new that I've never known of Him. It's beautiful how unpredictable He is. How much He'll catch me off guard and open up new truths inside my heart. I'm amazed.

Just amazed.

Stab You In The Back

2009-06-12T17:53:00.000-07:00

Iiiiiiiii'm gunna soak up the suuuunnnnnnn...

and be a hypocrite.

Eh, a little bit of sun won't kill me.

I just can't overkill, I suppose.

But tanner people always look prettier and skinnier. And have you seen my ghostly body lately?

Nanna says I'm 'worldly'.

Guess who texted me today.

My heart fluttered in my chest and then fell to my stomach. I always make myself so nervous.

I never thought I'd hear from him.

I'm an idiot for always jumping to conclusions. Then again, look where assuming the best always gets me...

I miss Sadie. I'm done being angry and now I'm just heartbroken.

Totally and completely heartbroken.

I don't care about all the cute little sayings or friendly advice I get on the situation. It doesn't change the fact that somebody that I trusted basically ripped my heart out of my chest. I realized today, though, that that's what people will do. You will spend your life giving and loving and caring and trying. You will give someone everything you have. And they will turn right around and walk away from it all; leaving you breathless and undone. I've discovered that people are not always who they say they are. I've discovered that people change. I've discovered that people are not perfect and cannot keep promises. They cannot never let you down. It is impossible because they are human. People will be people, and that's not always such a great thing.

I'm devastated and broken.

I praise God that He is a healer of all things;

especially my heart.

Mend me, Jesus.

Let me trust again.

Drive

2009-06-11T15:05:00.000-07:00

I took off of work today because this was the day Sadie would be getting on a plane and leaving for Delaware. I had promised Isabella I would be back to see her, and since I had the day off, I figured I'd go to Jacksonville anyway. Long drives always help me get my thoughts together.

I thought about people, places, circumstances, situations, tragedies. I thought about everything and everybody that has walked out recently. I thought about everybody that has let me down. Everybody that has been bringing me down.

I also thought about the failure that I am to Jesus daily. And that broke me.

Not enough, though. I can tell you that for sure.

I just miss life as it was so long ago.

I miss what I used to have.

Because I feel like I've lost it all.

I don't know. Long, extended periods in the car alone leave me feeling like this.

It took everything in me to pray for you. I know you hate to fly. And I prayed for a safe flight, and for a calming of your nerves.

You don't know how hard that was.

Can't say I prayed for a restored friendship - because I honestly cannot say that I want one.

That's the selfishness, pride, and unforgiveness in me.

I'm still so angry.

Sarah will be here soon. I don't want to go anywhere.

So What Happened Was...

2009-06-08T10:11:00.000-07:00

I'm tired of people walking all over me. I'm tired of being a door mat, a pushover.

So I stood up for myself and I confronted a problem.

Sadie flew in from California last Monday and it couldn't have come sooner for me. I'd been preparing for weeks what we'd do for the week 1/2 we'd have together. We had so much planned, so much excitement built up. I was on the edge of my seat just waiting for her arrival; the few hours until her appearance seemed to have dragged on forever. I would be seeing one of my very best friends for the first time in a year. I couldn't have been more excited.

It was a different story for her. You see, she just moved from Delaware to California and had been missing a lot of her friends. She was going back to DE this summer, I was just her stop in between. I was the mark she had to hit before Delaware; and that made me more of a negative thing than anything else. I honestly believe that her excitement to be back in Delaware took over her excitement to be in Florida with me, thus turning it into anxiousness to leave. Almost every day I would hear her talking to a friend in Delaware, going on and on about how she couldn't wait to be back there with them. How Thursday she was going to be there and happy again.

At dinner the other night I expressed my sadness for her soon departure. She looked at me and said "It's kind of hard for me to be sad because I'm going to be going back to Delaware...but I'm sure after I'm there for a few weeks I'll start missing you..."

Ouch.

Seriously...ouch.

I truly and honestly believe without a doubt that she only saw Thursday as her arrival in Delaware rather than her departure from Florida. I believe that this caused her to constantly be on edge the entire time she was here...just itching for the days to pass quickly.

A lot of the time she was here she was rather rude. She complained quite a bit about quite a bit of things. My mom used her own sky miles to fly Sadie down here. I used my own money, time, energy, and effort to make her stay here as wonderful as it possibly could be. I sacrificed days of work (When Lord knows I'm not incredibly financially stable) so that we could spend more time together. When she wanted something, I got it. When she craved donuts, I bought Krispy Kreme. When she wanted candy, I picked up starburst. When she said "I want to play in the rain" I grabbed my bathing suit without a single thought and pulled her outside to stand underneath the heavy clouds. What Sadie wanted, Sadie got. I wanted everything to be perfect. I wanted it to be a week 1/2 we would both never forget.

But she still complained. She was still rude. She still acted selfishly, and very ungrateful.

Then the moment came when she finally couldn't take another moment in Florida.

We were sitting at my work and my mom asked a favor of me. She was wanting me to walk down to a store and pick up an item for her. Obviously I was at work and unable, but I assumed that I could just request of Sadie to walk down to the store and pick it up for us. This is the gist of the conversation;

Me: (on phone with mom) Yeah Sadie can just use the credit card and get it for you...

Sadie: No I won't use a credit card, they'll ID me.

Me: (still on phone) Ok she's saying she doesn't want to use the card...but she can use my debit card...they won't ID her then because she'll use the pin number.

Sadie: (shaking head) No they'll ID me. I ALWAYS get ID'ed.

Me: (getting off the phone) Sadie what I'm saying is that you can use my debit card. They don't ID you when you use a debit card. You punch in a number...

Sadie: No I don't use anybody's cards. They always ID me. Every single time I use my mom's and my sister's, they ID me.

Me: Ok well I was just trying to do a favor for my mom...

Sadie: Fine Kristi I'll do it. Whatever. It's not a big deal.

Me: Well, obviously to you it is.

Sadie stands up and walks out, exclaiming that she cannot "take this" any longer.

She comes in about 15 minutes later and tells me she's leaving early.

I soon after receive a telephone call from my mom letting me know that Sadie called her dad who made plans to have a friend in Tampa pick her up from the mall.

Sadie walked back in about half an hour later wanting to "talk"

She tried to explain that the past few days had just been "weird" and that it wasn't either one of us, but that she just couldn't stay here anymore.

That's when I let her have it.

That's when I explained to her how much I did to make her happy this week.

That's when I explained the wasted sky miles to bring her here, the wasted money to make her happy all week, the sacrificed days of work I made to spend more time with her.

That's when I told her how rude she'd been. How much complaining she did. How ungrateful she was. And how much she couldn't wait to get back to Delaware.

That's when I told her that she could leave.

And that's when she did.

She was picked up, taken to my house to pack her bags, and left.

Then all her friends tried adding me on Facebook...

While she deleted me.

I don't like drama.

And sometimes I don't really like people.

We were supposed to take another big bubble bath today.

Instead I just took one alone. It was quite relaxing...and rather lonely.

I'm staying at Sarah's tonight. She's taking the manicure and pedicure that was purchased for Sadie tomorrow.

I love my best friend.

And my Jesus.

How To Lose A Best Friend

2009-06-07T11:38:00.001-07:00

Step One: Do everything right. Pay lots of money to make them content during their stay with you. Waste tons of gas and blow all your money to keep them happy.

Step Two: Allow them be ungrateful for all of it.

Step Three: Get into a small, meaningless tiff.

Step Four: Watch them as they totally and completely walk out of your life. (Or just out of your sight, then make arrangements to leave early and not even say goodbye)

Maybe I do run everybody off with my "crazy ways"

Bye Sadie.
Have a nice life.

I had a panic attack.
Making the next three hours at work might be difficult.

Anybody else planning on walking out of my life anytime soon? Notification would be nice...

In the words of Pastor Mike;
Jesus...Help. Amen.

Consequences of Rejection

2009-06-06T20:52:00.000-07:00

So tonight Sadie and myself went on a spur-of-the-moment trip to the Waffle House. While there, I was hit on by a waitress. She asked for my number and, laughing, I said "uhh I don't think so."

As funny as I thought it was, and as much as I later laughed about it, I feel really bad for her.

She doesn't know life.

When I like a guy I work so hard convincing myself that it will never work out that I actually convince myself that I don't want to be with him. I was looking at his pictures tonight and my stomach churned. It was then that I basically set in stone in my mind that we will never work out and that I don't even like him anymore.

It couldn't be further from the truth.

Well, the not liking him part anyway.

How many times do I have to go through this before I find what's right? How many boys will walk in and out, leaving me empty and broken before a man steps in and sweeps me off my feet? Will I ever be swept off my feet? Will anybody ever look at me and desire to spend time with me - spend forever with me? Will anybody ever see me in such a brighter way than anybody has ever seen me before? Sometimes I dream it up as though it will never happen, rather than it being a reality I look forward to. I am so scared. Scared doesn't even convey it. I am panicked and unnerved at the thought of never looking a man in the eyes and saying 'i do'. I cry just thinking about never sharing the joy with another human being of creating a little human being. The hopes and dreams and desires of being joined together with another as one only feels like a wasted wish anymore. It doesn't even feel real. It doesn't even feel like a future. It feels like an untouchable goal.

It's a lie of satan, and it gets me every time.

Every moment that John pops into my head, and the lack of communication I have from him, or an ex boyfriend or ex flame crosses my mind, only one solid sentence appears;

"You were the one that ran them away with your crazy ways..."

It replays over and over again. I can't push it out no matter how hard I try.

Thank you, Jamie, for ruining me even more.

I will be okay. And I will never forget the moment I spent with Jesus under His stars when I prayed for my future husband and He spoke to my heart and said, "Just be patient. He's coming..."

I know He is Jesus. And it isn't until I am completely and fully satisfied in You that He will show up.

I love you so much, Savior. Sweep me off my feet.

Picture To Burn

2009-06-05T19:51:00.000-07:00

Sadie Davis,

How I love you.

Openness

2009-06-03T22:58:00.000-07:00

I've been tossed in the wind for about three weeks now.

You haven't said a word, and I've already decided that your mind has changed.

Then again, what else is new?

And God will guard your heart...

I've already set in my mind that at the end of these three months you'll only be saying goodbye.

But what do I know?

***

For so long I was so cold towards 'Calvinism'. I was so against it, so unwilling to hear it. Obviously my emotions and personal issues overpowered the possibility of an open heart to the glory and truths of God's word. It's amazing the ways He speaks, the mysteries of the God that made me. I've come to a point where doctrines of grace no longer scares me, but rather I'm beginning to embrace them more than ever. Not to say I've become some five point Calvinist (I really feel no need to join in any title outside of 'Christ Follower'). I don't believe it goes all one way or another. I look at my mom and I see myself several several months ago. I see myself so confused and angry in the entire ordeal. I see myself so blocked by my own upbringing and personal opinions and unable to connect the truths of God's word to the very mystery of His being. Instead of hearing sermons or reading verses that point to a doctrine I've for so long been against, and pushing it out as ludicrous, I am able to embrace and love it as being so much more of an addition to God's glorious enigma. I embrace that I was chosen, and I embrace that I responded. I love that I was set apart from the beginning of time, and I love that Jesus has no pleasure in the death of the wicked. I am in awe and amazement of the fact that my God never has and never will fit into a box. He will never be labeled under some man-made title. But that He is outside of every box we create. He is outside of every doctrine we establish. He is outside of our minds, our capabilities, our understandings of how anything works. If He has the ability to exist in eternity, He sure has the ability to connect two seemingly opposite truths without contradiction and with perfect holiness and sovereignty. What's beautiful about Jesus is that I will forever be chasing after Him and His mysteries, learning more, growing more, understanding more, but never obtaining it all. I am so amazed. I so often wonder how it's done, but I know that it is. And I know that He IS. That's enough for me.

Galatians 1:15-16a

But when God, who had set me apart even from my mother's womb and called me through His grace, was pleased to reveal His Son in me so that I might preach Him among the Gentiles...

I was chosen, and then made to receive. I was wicked and God saved me by His grace and His grace alone. It's not of me. It's not of my choice. It's of His perfect and precious will. Because He loved me so much, He loved the world so much, that He spilled His own blood for my soul. He calls me, and He calls all. His grace is a gift, not withheld from a single soul. Not withheld from even the most wicked in whose death He finds no pleasure. I am of worth, but not worthy. I am chosen but not forced. I am loved, loved, loved. That's all I really need to know. I spent so much time, energy, effort trying to prove wrong a doctrine that I now embrace. I don't follow it. I follow Jesus. I don't title myself under it. I title myself under Jesus. I wasted so many emotions just trying to understand when the entire point is that I do not understand and I never will. Though sometimes I look back and regret all of the wasted time and effort, and all of the seemingly bad things that resulted from my stubbornness and unwillingness to have an open heart, I understand that all of it was for His glory - and was something He intended me to go through. I learned things that I never would have even considered. I was pushed to delve into God's Word and simply learn more about my Creator. I was taught of the extremes people take, and often how wrong they can be in doing such. I learned that God, being so much, cannot fit into a box and is so outside of our ideas of contradictions. I was humbled, learning that I really don't know everything about Jesus. Most of all, I learned that God is the biggest mystery I will never solve - and I love it. He holds all of the answers and allows only some to be revealed. I believe that if anybody could fully understand the truths of God and how He operates, their heads would explode from too much knowledge. God is so big. So big. So big.

I can't get enough.

I'm in awe.

I just like to learn about Jesus.

I really do.

Wow.

2009-05-28T06:56:00.000-07:00

Matthew 18:21-22
Then came Peter to him, and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? till seven times?
Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven.

Can you truly forgive a person and still kick them out of your life?

The day I came home from Tampa I wrote my brother an E-mail. You'll read it in a moment. But it was the probably the worse thing I could have done. I can honestly say, that if I were not so angry in this situation, I would be completely heartbroken. That if I weren't as strong as I actually am, I would probably completely crumble. It's bad enough that my brother, all my life, has made me feel abandoned and unwanted. It's even worse that now he blames me for feeling that way. Drugs have a way of wrapping a person up in themselves and making them feel as though they are the only ones that matter. My father and my brother have caused a life long line of problems, issues, and insecurities inside myself. I spent my childhood wondering why they didn't want me, and the rest of my life wondering what was wrong with me. Countless nights I cried myself to sleep. I can remember being seven and eight years old and feeling like the world was caving in because I was so unwanted by them. I've done a lot of growing, and a lot of realizing that there was nothing I did wrong but let them walk all over me. When I finally stood up for myself, and decided that I was finished, I was blamed.

My mom told me on the way down to Tampa the other day that my father was always good at manipulating you and making YOU feel bad for the damage that he himself caused. Little did I know that my brother was the exact same.

*Ignore all of the spelling errors*

Jamie,

I really don't know what today was all about, but I don't want any part of it. This is definitely not how I imagined this going down. I want to believe you...that you're clean and doing good for yourself. But I really don't know that I can. What were you doing for the TWO HOURS it took you to get to dad?!? Because we went RIGHT THROUGH zephyrhills in forty minutes! There's no way it took you that long. What were you doing?
And dad. Wow. I don't even know what to say about that. You can tell him he's a liar. That he DOESN'T love me because if he did he'd stop acting like an idiot and get away from all this crap he's doing. Jamie you told me that dad is clean and you LIED. I KNOW dad is still doing AND dealing drugs. While you were gone and I was waiting on you to come back to the park, i was sitting around listening to everybody go on about how much of a drunk and a drug addict jimmy is. I got to sit around and listen to everybody put down my father that can't do anything good for himself. And he can't. I really hoped that you and him would get yourselves together but i don't think that will ever happen. I know that he's gone through a lot but he's being an idiot and I won't be surprised if the next time i see him will be at his own funeral. Jamie, I want to believed you...but you have lied to me so many times before. You and dad both know how to manipulate and lie. Always have. And I love you. But I hate what you guys do. Every chance I have ever given either of you you've taken advantage and walked out on me. That's all you both ever know how to do is WALK OUT.
Jamie, one of the most TRAUMATIC moments of my entire life was the day i came home to find that you had moved out completely and didn't even tell me goodbye. like i said...you and dad have always been good at that.
I'm not trying to be mean. But I'm not doing this again. I'm not getting hurt. I'm done and finished. You can tell dad that i feel sorry for him, but he needs to grow up and stop being an idiot.

I'm just done jamie. I don't want to do this anymore. I have a great life and a nice family that loves me and would do ANYthing for me and wouldn't walk out on me for anything in the world.
And that is all i need.

I love you Jamie, but I'm done.

---

This Just Might be the last letter you get from me... IT might have took you 40mins to get through zhills but you didnt have to chase your father down at a friends house so that was more time out of my way.. But i dont have to explain anything to you anymore your grown and as am i and what you dont believe and do believe thats your deal not mine, Im not tring to hurt you but i guess i do and its time for you to do what i had to do and quit letting every little thing hurt you that just crazy and being a childish...but for your info- i'am clean but as dad goes i hear what i hear so i dont know...but i guess im glad your done and you have this fairy tale family and life but walk 1 week in mine and you wouldnt even write something like what you did....But your "GROWN"
i guess but its just to different life styles youve been hurt and soooo have i more then once and not just but one parent but two....SO as it goes you cant do this what ever anymore well nor can i, Sorry but thats life. you will hear no more from me so i love you and god bless you.
Jamie

---

Wow.

Okay Jamie.First of all, I don't know what gives you the idea that you can be like that towards me after all you have put me through. You have no right to be upset at the fact that I am trying to protect myself from getting hurt again. Because not once have you EVER given me a reason to trust you or believe you - not ONE TIME Jamie. NEVER. You were hurt, sure...but does that give you the okay to hurt me too? No it doesn't. Dad hurt both of us. But I chose to rise above it. YOU CHOSE to follow in his foosteps and hurt me too. I refuse to let YOU make ME feel bad about all of this. But I'm sorry, I've never been given a reason to trust you. You walked out on me one too many times. You broke one too many promises. You told me time and time again "We'll never lose touch again Kristi." And yet you would just stay out of the picture for years at a time. You've never made an effort to STAY in my life. And you've never shown me that you can stay.

Yes I'm grown, and yes i can take it. But I won't take THAT. I will not let you talk to me like that. I will not let you make me feel bad for the very damage that you and dad have caused. I should have given up a long time ago but there was always that hope in me that you and I would have a relationship again. I didn't want a relationship with dad and never will (especially not after this weekend). But I wanted SO badly for this to be the start of a relationship with me and you. I cried and cried and cried all the way home. I was hurt AGAIN. And, though I'm going to be strong, that letter you wrote me cut even deeper.

You will not hurt me again Jamie. And neither will dad. Because you'll never have the chance to. And don't you dare think about writing me a letter like that again. I don't deserve it after all you've put me through.

Have a good life.
Thanks for absolutely nothing.

---

Okay..First of all I thought I have tried everything but I did not realize how weak your feelings are, I really dont care much about what dad does he's grown and I tried to make things better for you and I- at least as friends or something but once again nothing is good enough for you... What I want to know is why you acted sooo cool about everything on the phone then you turned to this you really need to stand up for your own and make your own mind up for your self and that day you should have addressed the way you felt then HURTING me like this. I mean this was a blow to me but what ever you think or was told thats for you to deal with and wonder about the Truth in what ever it is.If you remember right 2yrs. ago you did the same thing and wanted to stay on a writing basis and we did so. But yes I love you and always will but I Just cant keep getting hurt by you any more because you are my sister and a very confused one at that I guess..But like I said on the last letter we just need to go on our own way until you love me for me, as I have loved you for you no matter what..but Oh well thats the just of it. Sorry life has been so hard on you but mine sure hasn't been the greatest either.
We can go on & on & on & on about comparing lives and how sad it was but thats in the past and I choose to live for today because thats all we are promised, But anyway this really sucks we have too part like this on a bad note but hopefully things can move on and we can all change but i dont know if you want too. but I'm going to let you go for now..I do love you always but thats-thats.. Jamie

---

And what is it exactly that you think you've tried, Jamie? Really. I am the one that got your number from dad two years ago at grandpa's funeral. I am the one that called YOU. I hadn't heard from you since I was freaking twelve years old. You PROMISED ME after you left that you would never lose touch again. It was bad enough that you just up and left while I was GONE without so much as a freaking goodbye. It was even WORSE that you didn't even CALL ME after that. You do realize that I was the one that called YOU, don't you? And then you swore to me that we would never lose touch and I never freaking HEARD FROM YOU AGAIN. HOW THE HECK DO YOU THINK THAT MAKES ME FEEL? To feel like my own daddy doesn't want me and my brother doesn't either. DARN RIGHT my freaking feelings are weak. Why do you think that is Jamie? BECAUSE YOU AND MY NO GOOD FATHER MADE THEM THAT WAY. YOU are a big part of my insecurities. You are a major reason I get scared every time I fall for a guy - because I feel like any minute, no matter how much he promises to stay, he will leave me just like you and dad did. And you know what? Guys always do. Every boyfriend I have ever been with has promised me the world and then up and left. And it makes me feel like a disease. Like there is something wrong with me. Because they don't want me and neither did you. Of course I am weak. I was abandoned by the very men in my life that I thought loved me the most. And I was the one that called you two years ago. How long would it have taken you to get in touch with me? We started talking and I loved it. And yes, I did want to stick with writing because I was scared. But you couldn't even do that Jamie! I DID email you and you NEVER emailed me back. I didn't freaking hear from you until my freaking 18th birthday. And if uncle Danny hadn't of passed away I probably wouldn't of even heard from you then. YOU WALK OUT. That is what you do. Don't tell me nothing is good enough for me. You wouldn't know. You've never done ANYTHING. I cannot BELIEVE that YOU have the GUTS to say crap like that. YOU HAVE NO RIGHT. None Jamie. You and dad ruined SO much for me and it has taken years upon years to overcome the damage that you caused and the insecurities you've placed inside me. I'm STILL not fully recovered from the fact that my own brother won't even stick around. Yeah I acted cool on the phone - I was on the verge of tears. And I wanted to believe you but the more I thought about it the more I realized that there was no reason to believe you. You didn't tell me anything about chasing dad. every time I talked to you the story changed. I'm not falling for anything anymore. I've let you walk in and out of my life since I can remember and never said a thing. I always was so quick to forgive you. I never stood up for myself. I was always just happy you were back (when you actually were). But I'm standing up for myself for the first time EVER. And then you have the NERVE, the AUDACITY to make ME feel bad in this. WHAT GIVES YOU THE RIGHT? Nothing does. Your own guit, that's what it is. You know what you've done and I hope you wake up one day and realize it. And I hope you feel BAD for it. Don't you DARE talk about hurting someone. You say I'm hurting you?!? What have you been doing to me for the past 11 years of my life? I haven't ever hurt you because I've never even been given the chance. You should feel lucky I put up with it as long as I did. Well not anymore. And what kind of crap is this about "loving you for you like you've loved me for me"?!? WHAT IS THAT? I've ALWAYS loved you for you - ADDICTIONS AND ABANDONMENT and all. I've never done CRAP to you. I've done NOTHING ALL MY LIFE but love and forgive you. You are crazy Jamie if you think for one second that ANYTHING is my fault or that I am guilty in any way. If I am guilty of anything it is for letting you and dad walk all over me and make me feel bad about myself. How many nights did I lay awake in bed, crying uncontrollably, wondering why my dad and my brother didn't want me? More than you will ever know. You want to prove to me that you love me, that you've changed, grown up, and that you are ACTUALLY a man? ADMIT what you've done. FACE it. Stop denying it and stop trying to make me feel bad for the damage that YOU have caused.
Like I said, I hope you wake up one day and realize what you've done.
I can't believe you could ever think you have any kind of a right to treat me like this. That is low, Jamie. And I refuse to take it. Don't write me again.
I don't want to hear anything you have to say.
And you can tell me you love me all you want, but not a day in your life have you ever shown that. Dad used to tell me that he loved me with all his heart. You don't treat someone that you love like he's treated me. And the same goes to you. I do love you and I've shown that by accepting you and forgiving you over and over and over again...despite how much you hurt me. When you love a person, you don't hurt them like that. And, though I will forgive you until the day I die, I will never be able to look at you the same again.
Tell dad I hope he grows up and fixes the mess of his life that he's made. Maybe one day he really will love me. And maybe you will too.
Don't write back.

---

Why are you putting all your insecurities on me about your boyfriends leaving you? you was the one that ran them away with you crazy ways not me! Sorry you call your life a broken life well sweetie you still have a long life too live. And too live it alone because you cant get over "NOTHING" that's your problem not mine,you really got life in a blender..and yes i'm not perfect and never said i was and nor are you but i think you do feel like you are and you will never get no where like that. But i Feel sad for you and i hope the best for you,And as far as you feel for dad that's your problems not mind i have my own with him, but i still love him because that's what "CHRISTIANS"are suppose to do and not be two face..but i was the one that asked you to please let us part ways now and you keep writing...So what do you want now? so once more please YOU don't write back... good bye.

---

So because I refuse to let my father and my brother walk all over me, I am not a 'good christian'. Because I have continual insecurities from a life of them abandoning me, I am confused and and crazy. I am in complete an utter shock as I read the words he writes.

How does a person become such a monster?

Madre, thank you for taking me out when you did. I'm so thankful to have a family that loves me, cares for me, understands me, and would never walk out on me for anything in the world. I am happy where I'm at, and nor he or my father will ruin that anymore.

I'm growing up.
Is this what it feels like?

Dark Chocolate

2009-05-26T10:40:00.000-07:00

On Facebook Chat;

Sadie: dark chocolate isnt my thing

Kristi: eh it can or can't be my thing. depends on what it is
i like dove dark chocolate

Sadie: what about men?
haha
ew
i'm totally kidding

Kristi: bahahahahhahahahahahahhaha

Sadie: gross

Kristi: i love me some dark chocolate men
bahahha

Sadie: hahaha

Plenty more still to come in less than a week when my wonderful bestie is back in Florida!
Ohhh, I do love her. I do I do.

Never Trust an Addict

2009-05-23T15:09:00.000-07:00

Some people never change.

I believe that there comes a point in an addict's life that they stop comprehending the hurt they cause others, and get themselves in so deep that they even deceive themselves into believing they are doing okay for themselves. It's as though the deeper they sink, the easier it is for them to believe themselves to be something so much better, so much more than what they really they are.

Early Saturday morning I woke up in a hotel room on the beach with my mom in Tampa. We drove down Friday night to go to the memorial get-together for my Uncle Danny (who passed away May 7th). It was fully my decision to go; I wanted to see my brother. I also knew that this meant seeing my father - which wasn't something I wanted at all, but something I would deal with. My father is an alcoholic and a drug addict who signed me over to my step father when I was 8 years old and gave up his rights fully as my dad. It was probably the only good thing he ever did for me. I don't have any good memories with my dad. When I think of him I see him yelling at me because I'm a young child that doesn't want to eat her vegetables, and the alcohol in his body is causing a violent rage to overcome the role he was given as a father. Or I'm seeing him running to get into a car that I am left waiting in because he is out making some sort of a drug exchange. I see him tucking me into bed late at night, and then seeing blue and red lights flashing out of my window, him kissing me on the forehead and leaving me scared and crying on the floor. I'm seeing him look me in the eyes and make promises that he can never keep. I'm seeing him tell me he loves me more than anything in the world, and I'm seeing me not believe him. When I think of my dad, there is nothing positive that comes into my mind. I've beyond forgiven my dad for the life he chose over me, but I will never again enter into any type of a relationship with him. Anything we could have ever had as a father and daughter was burned down years ago. And I am okay with that.

My brother, on the other hand, I miss. He's always held such a special place in my heart. And regardless of how many times he acted just like my father...regardless of how many times he walked out on me, made me cry, and made promises he only later broke, I still want nothing more than to be close with him and have a relationship with him. I love him very much.

So, regardless of the fact that my father was going to be at Uncle Danny's memorial, this was my chance to see the brother that left me nearly six years ago. I can't begin to tell you of the butterflies that flipped around inside my stomach as I waited in the moments that led up to the reunion of two very distant siblings.

I don't want to type out the entire story. To be honest, I don't know the whole story, and I probably never will. But I can say that I was let down once again. I saw my brother for a good hour before he took off again. My father, on the other hand, never even came. He preferred to, rather than see his only daughter and honor the death of his only brother, get dropped off at a bar and drown himself the in the very poison that's cost him everything good he's ever had. I cried that day; several times. I wondered how many chances they'd be given before they'd realize what they were doing. And then I realized for myself that I didn't want to find out.

I have a family that loves me and cherishes me. I have a family that wouldn't walk out on me for anything in the world. I have a family that couldn't hurt me if they tried, and would never dream of doing such. I have a family that supports me and cares for me more than they care for anything else. That's all I could ever need and I'm happy. I haven't cried since that day, and I don't think I will. In a way I am very hurt. But in another, I'm at a point where God takes me into His arms, lifts me above the surface of this chaos, and shows me all that I have and all that He has given me. I'm not wasting my time being heartbroken over what's made me a stronger person throughout the years. I will thank my God for what He's given and for what He's taken away. I will pray for them, and I will hope with all I have that they wake up one day, before it's too late, and turn around. But that is all I can and ever will do.

It's over, and I am okay.

***

Change of subject:
I haven't heard from him in over a week.
Let's see how long it takes this time.

What are you doing, God?

And God will guard your heart...
And God will guard your heart...
And God will guard your heart...
And God will guard your heart... And God will guard your heart... And God will guard your heart... And God will guard your heart... And God will guard your heart... And God will guard your heart... And God will guard your heart... And God will guard your heart... And God will guard your heart... And God will guard your heart... And God will guard your heart... And God will guard your heart...And God will guard your heart... And God will guard your heart... And God will guard your heart... And God will guard your heart... And God will guard your heart... And God will guard your heart... And God will guard your heart... And God will guard your heart... And God will guard your heart... And God will guard your heart... And God will guard your heart... And God will guard your heart... And God will guard your heart... And God will guard your heart... And God will guard your heart...

That's what my mind looks like a hundred times a day.

My New (Temporary) Secret Place

2009-05-22T07:48:00.000-07:00

Pray up!

Last night was the very first Honduras meeting, and it has just gotten me so pumped up for the trip! I will leave on the 25th of July and come back the 31st. There are a few familiar faces from last year, and many new names to learn. I probably teared up two or three times just during the meeting, thinking back to the best week of my life last summer. God has placed Honduras as such a special place in my heart, my words couldn't describe how burdened I really am for it and for ministry there. I know God has big plans for me this year in Honduras, and I cannot wait to see the MAJOR impact He makes in my life using this trip.

I need to be prepared. I need to be prepared not only for Honduras, but for life as a woman of God. I need to be prepared for relationships in Christ, for eventually marriage in Christ. Something just hit me today and I realized I've been wasting so much time and effort on things completely opposite of Jesus. That has to stop.

I feel pressed to stop listening to music in my car, and allow either God's word (on audio) or sermons to enter my ears and circulate my mind as I drive. I always make excuses of being too busy to pick up my Bible or spend some time in the secret place. Well, I spend a lot of time in my car throughout the week and I tend to waste it on listening to music, being lost in my own worldly thoughts and worries. I'm going to be taking that time in my car every day, up until Honduras, to prepare my heart for Jesus and spend time with Him by either A)listening to my Bible on Audio, B)listening to sermons, or C)praying. I will be taking all of my CDs out of my car and storing them away in my room until after I return from Honduras (and maybe God will speak to me and cause this to be a longer situation). This isn't being done in religious work but it's coming from a heart that needs Jesus more than a few minutes a day, and needs power in those times I'm wasting on other things. I know that I've had some of the most beautiful moments of worship in my car, and look forward to the next few months of that.

I will say, however, that when Sadie comes back (June 1-12) I will take that time to make an exception. I will listen to music in the car while she is here, but my "fast", you could call it, will start back up again on the drive back from dropping her off at the airport.

I've been downloading a lot of sermons lately and am excited to see how God uses these next couple of months to speak to me through the moments in the day I'm choosing to give to Him.

PS I have also been seriously contemplating getting a tattoo for some time. For those of you who know me, the irony of it all is that I want one of my foot (for those of you who do not know me, I cannot handle having my feet touched). I wanted something that represented Christ, and after a lot of time to think about it, I've decided that I would want "How beautiful are the feet of those that bring the good news" flowing across my foot. A big part of me wants it in Spanish, as somewhat of a remembrance of the impact that Honduras has on my heart. A small part of me is considering having it on one foot in English, and another in Spanish.

Though I am 18 and can legally get a tattoo, I want to respect my mom and my dad while living in their house. So, I must first pass this by them (I think I may have already started winning over my mom). Also, Nanna, I love you even though I know you'll be furious when you read this.

I'm aware of the opposition I would receive from a lot of family and from other Christians. I know what Leviticus says (although that famous verse is not speaking against tattoos in general, but against tattoos as a form of worship of the dead...read it. Also, we are not under the old law any longer, but under grace and the new law which is to love God and love others). I fully believe that a tattoo itself is not a sin, but the intentions and purpose of it can be. Anything done of selfish intent is sin, tattoo or not. I want whatever I have on my body to indicate that I am of Christ, have died to myself and am living in Him. I've heard that tattoos are "worldly", but how is permanently inking your body with the very word of God in any way worldly?

I'll continue to pray about it, but it is something I'm very passionate about doing. We shall see. I would really like it done before I go to Honduras.

2009-05-17T06:37:00.000-07:00

Psalm 16:7-11

I will praise the LORD, who counsels me;
even at night my heart instructs me.

I have set the LORD always before me.
Because he is at my right hand,
I will not be shaken.

Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices;
my body also will rest secure,

because you will not abandon me to the grave,
nor will you let your Holy One see decay.

You have made known to me the path of life;
you will fill me with joy in your presence,
with eternal pleasures at your right hand.

Is not life with Father the most beautiful image you've ever seen?

I received a phone call last night.
One I have been waiting on for three days.
We talked. Discussed.
And we know that God is always in control, will provide, will show us exactly what His plan for us is. When he gets back this summer, we know that at that time it will have been revealed to us God's perfect plan between us.
I'll admit I am scared. I am scared of certain possibilities.

BUT!

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Philippians 4:6-7

Not only will Jesus listen when I call to Him with my fears and anxieties...not only will He receive my requests and my prayers...and not only will He grant me His peace which passes all understanding...but He will GUARD my HEART and my mind in everything I bring to Him. In every situation I get myself into. In every circumstance that may confuse me. He will guard my heart, protect it, and stay with me through it. He may allow my heart to break, but He will keep it strong enough to push forward and move on. And He WILL mend it back together. My Jesus is the ultimate Healer, the ultimate Protector, and the ultimate Romantic. He knows how to sweep me off my feet, and He knows how to pick me up when I've lost all hope. I love Him, and I can confidently say that He loves me too. And knowing that warms my heart more than I can express with words.

Jesus, could you be any more incredible?

My hope has been restored. My outlook, my perspective has been shifted by the God that knows my future best. The God that holds it so gently in His very hands. I am optimistic and excited for the future. I've asked for a husband, and God will give me the desires of my heart. Whether it be ten months or ten years, it will happen in God's most amazingly perfect timing. I trust and will obey. And I cannot wait to see what God has in store for my future. Because I know that it is big.

PS - No Eharmony.
:)

IDon'tHaveATitle

2009-05-16T16:05:00.000-07:00

I've been waiting hopelessly by the phone for three days now.
and he still hasn't called.
Why does this happen every time? Should I really just start to expect that it will never be any different? Why was it, before he knew I had feelings for him whatsoever he tried so hard to get me? And now that he knows I like him, he doesn't try at all. Maybe he knows he's got me, and therefore believes there's no more effort involved.

He is very wrong;
And will be in for a very big surprise in three months when my heart isn't saved for him.
Janis says to act as though I'm not bothered in the slightest.
It's about time I make someone work for my heart. Which is a change from the normal throw my heart out to any guy with an eye for me.

***

So I had a very interesting photography job yesterday. I shot a beautiful wedding in the Haile Plantation Golf and Country Club. I was there pretty much all afternoon and all evening. And I don't think I've ever been hit on more times in my entire life. It started with the small comments about the "hot photographer" which led to stares and whispers. Then, after a few drinks got in them, I was being asked to dance and take pictures with. Oh, and to the guy that I gave a fake number to - I'm terribly sorry. I just wasn't that interested.

I'm a jerk.

Maybe that's why I don't have a boyfriend. I'm too darn picky.

Can I just tell everybody that reads this that my God is a great Provider. I couldn't stop singing His praises as I got into my car and headed home from a long day's work. My camera battery has always lasted very long. I've left my camera turned on for days and still come back to it with half of it's bars left. I suppose it's getting old and it's life is starting to dwindle down. I charged it all morning long, assuming it would last me all night. Much to my surprise, in the middle of the bride and groom's 'first dance' it shut off and flashed "change battery pack." I loudly whispered a very vulgar word (that I will not repeat) because I was so surprised, and so scared of what in the world I was going to do.

But God, regardless of my faults, regardless of my idle words, provided for me. Aren't we happy we have a God that does that?

Right after my word slip, I repented and began to pray "Jesus, please work a miracle." Laura, my coworker, was the one that had set me up with this job. And she was there at the wedding. She recently purchased a Canon XT, which is very similar to mine (the XTI). This information suddenly popped into my head, so I ran to her, switched out the lenses, attached my flash, and used hers for the remainder of the dances while my battery was charging. Thank Jesus right after that was dinner for an hour, which gave my feet a rest, and my battery plenty of time to get enough juice to last me the rest of the evening.

Though God provided, He did throw in a tiny consequence of my idle word. During a very important picture that was requested of me, out of nowhere Laura's camera switched to a "black and white" mode. I don't know why, because I didn't press any buttons. But when I pressed the playback button, I realized they had all been in black and white. I found Laura and asked her why it was doing that, and she hadn't a clue. I took a picture of her to show her, and somehow it had switched back to color. I honestly, with all my heart, believe that it was God's way of placing a little bit of an issue in the goodness He had bestowed upon me. And I deserved much worse. It was His way of making me realize what I had done, and letting me know it was not okay. The rest of the night (apart from all of the drunk passes made at me) went very smoothly and everything turned out perfectly.

Thank you Jesus, that you provide even amidst my screw ups.

Ohh I Wanna Dance With Somebody

2009-05-14T07:35:00.001-07:00

When I don't get facts directly, I make facts up in my head.
And they always tend to be the worst possible ones.
I really needed to hear a fact from you, so I could push out the ones I've been conjuring up in my head for months.

It's a day as any other day, I suppose. I woke up, got ready, and came to work. My Bible sits in front of me along with the lipstick pen Aunt Nee Nee gave to me. I'm reading, diving into God's beautiful word. I love it so much. I love how He speaks, showing me exactly what I need when I need it. He knows what He's doing, doesn't He? I may not always understand. I may not like what He does, how He does it. But I am but a grain of sand and He is the vast of the ocean. He is able, true, and loyal. He is true and He is mine.

Guide me, Savior. Show me. Grant me complete patience and understanding.
And I pray that even if I do not understand, I will trust, honor, and love whatever you place in front of me.

I love you.

"The Son of God suffered unto the death, not that men might not suffer, but that their sufferings might be like His."
-George Macdonald

**

I'm preparing for the return of Sadie Davis.
A little over two weeks.
I need her.

Bad Timing

2009-05-13T14:49:00.001-07:00

All these months without feelings, shrugging him off as only a friend.
And then it seems overnight I become flooded with thoughts of he and I together.

Of course it has to happen right before he leaves for three months.
I have the worst timing. Absolutely.
Day late. Dollar short.

In the beginning I saw you as nothing more than a boy that loved God, and also a boy that I hadn't a single ounce of romantic feelings for. And now, here I am, wanting to see you so badly - stuck here in this place of falling for you. What is God doing? Why the blocked feelings up until days before you're gone? Why all of the sudden, out of nowhere, I'm just in complete awe of you? I didn't get to say goodbye, as our schedules were just too much to handle. It never worked out. We have three very long months to think about everything. We know that we like each other. We know we could see ourselves being with one another - for now. Three long months apart can go one of two very extremely different ways for each of us. Either we can't stand it apart from one another, or we'll only fall completely out of this. What I'm scared of most is one of us only growing stronger in these feelings, and the other coming back into it only having changed their mind. I have a feeling, if that happens, you'll be the one doing the changing. Why should I hope for anything different? I've never had it happen any other way. Every single time they change their minds. I lose whatever it is I had in the beginning. And I'm petrified that you will come back having lost any and all feelings for me. I don't feel as though I have anything to wait on this summer. I guess we'll see what happens. God's got this. I know He does. And whatever happens, our friendship will always remain. My stomach churns at the thought of you leaving; and that scares me.

I just pray that I won't continue wanting more, while you come back wanting less.

So now I'm completely and totally stuck. Do I wait patiently? Do I continue to search and if I happen to still be available at the end of the summer we'll start things up? I want to wait, I truly truly do. But what if I wait this entire time and he comes back with a changed mind? What about Eharmony? What about keeping my eyes open? Do I allow myself to be persued or do I guard my heart and keep it for him to return to? I want this to work, I really do. Why did I wait so long?

To the next three months apart.
Cheers.

I waited for you all night long. I even re-applied my makeup and fixed my hair hoping you would come to visit. You never did.
When I woke up this morning, I wanted nothing more than to hide from the world underneath the comfort of my blankets.

Build Me Up

2009-05-13T06:19:00.001-07:00

Why do you build me up (Build me up)

Buttercup baby just to

let me down (Let me down)

And mess me around

And then worst of all (Worst of all)

You never call baby

When you say you will (Say you will)

But I love you still

I need you (I need you)

More than anyone darlin'

You know that I have from the start

So build me up (Build me up)

Buttercup

Don't break my heart

I'll be over at ten

You tell me time and again

But you're late

I wait around and then

I went to the door

I can't take any more

It's not you

You let me down again

Baby Baby

Try to find a little time

And I'll make you happy

I'll be home

I'll be waiting beside the phone

Waiting for you.

Flowers

2009-05-12T13:03:00.000-07:00

I came home today to the most beautiful birthday present ever;

Thank you, Aaron, for such a wonderful gift.
I feel so special!

Ketchup

2009-05-11T16:29:00.000-07:00

UNO. I am officially eighteen years old. I do not smoke, go to clubs, or order porn. However, I can buy scratch off lottery tickets! And that is exactly what I did. Too bad the guy that sold them to me ruined it and didn't even ask for my ID.

Three bucks and a free ticket. Woo.

DOS. I've been looking at a few alternatives to Eharmony. I'm not totally sure I'm actually going to do it. I want to. I want to meet someone. Maybe I've already met him, and he's been right in front of me this entire time. Did it really take me this long to realize it? You never know what you got 'till it's gone. I'm always on the other end of that one.

TRES. Disney was out of this world. Instead of just going to Epcot, we upgraded our tickets to hopper passes and ended up going to all four parks. Needless to say it was a very tiring and exhausting day. But my mom and I had an absolutely wonderful time, and I couldn't have thought of a better way to spend my birthday.

QUATRO. I had a "surprise" birthday party. It wasn't much of a surprise but I sure did have fun watching everybody slip up and make it obvious. All of my family and a few friends came out, and it was just a great time. It was so sweet of everybody to celebrate with me. And my cake was delicious.

CINCO. My brother E-mailed me on my birthday. I was shocked being I hadn't talked to him in a very long time. He just wrote me to tell me happy birthday and also that there was something "with the family" that he needed to talk about. Turns out my uncle Danny passed away the day before my birthday in his sleep. I don't know what to think of it, to be honest. It's really gotten to me. I haven't decided whether or not I'll be attending the funeral. I'd really prefer not see my dad. But I would love to see my brother. And I really liked uncle Danny when I was a kid. It's a mess. I suppose the scariest part of it all is thinking about where uncle Danny probably is at this very moment, as opposed to where I would find comfort in him being. You never know, though. But I bet I could make a really good guess.

Pictures from Disney soon.

La la la la live out loud.

Best Friends Means...

2009-05-06T12:47:00.000-07:00

Everything became completely and totally out in the open yesterday. and it felt so good.

As of yesterday it had been about three weeks since I had talked to Lizzy. As you all have read in my previous posts, I've been having a really hard time with her and our friendship. In my mind, it was completely over. I've cried nearly every single day these past few weeks, just contemplating the loss of my very best friend. I didn't know what to do with myself.

Then she texted me.
"Hey do you wanna come over and play farkle or the office or something?"

At first I was furious. I didn't want to hang out with her. I didn't want to just go over to her house and play games as if nothing was wrong. As if I wasn't upset at all and everything was perfectly fine. So I invited Sarah over, and told Lizzy she could come over also. When she got to my house, I knew exactly what needed to happen.

What started with a simple question as "why haven't I talked to you in three weeks?" ended with tears streaming from my face, spilling out every thought, feeling, and emotion I've been bottling up and keeping from her for so long. I unloaded everything. I told her exactly how I felt without any candy coating. The entire thing took maybe half an hour but everything was put out in the open. She started to defend herself, but I quickly shot that down as I saw absolutely no excuses for her behavior lately. In my mind, before she came over, I was about to completely put an end a twelve year friendship. I guess God had other plans in mind, and we all left off better than ever. My best friends told me they loved me for the first time since I can remember. We wrote down guidelines and rules for our friendship such as communicating every week and coming to each other when we have problems. Every single detail was hashed out, sorted, and fixed. I know nothing will ever be perfect, but I'm really hoping that things will start to look up.

I love my best friends more than anything in this world, and I hope they know that. I need them now more than ever, and I am so relieved that everything is okay. I can only hope and pray that it stays that way.

***

I turn eighteen years old in two days.
I leave for Orlando tomorrow. Madre and I are going to Epcot on Friday.

Sometimes I start to wonder if EHarmony is really the way to go...
...and then I realize how hard it's been actually finding somebody to stick around.

We shall see.
Wish me luck. I'm ready to say 'i do'.

Decode

2009-04-30T19:40:00.000-07:00

How did we get here?

I use to know you so well

How did we get here?

Well, I think I know

The truth is hiding in your eyes

And its hanging on your tongue

Just boiling in my blood,

But you think that I can't see

What kind of man that you are

If you're a man at all

Well, I will figure this one out on my own

(I'm screaming "I love you so..." But my thoughts you can't decode)

How did we get here?

I use to know you so well

How did we get here?

Well, I think I know

Do you see what we've done?

We've gone and made such fools of ourselves

Do you see what we've done?

We've gone and made such fools of ourselves

***

I'm going to see Taylor Swift in concert tomorrow.

Aunt Nee Nee had an extra ticket :)

Ohhhh

2009-04-29T13:19:00.001-07:00

"He doesn't hate you, he just thinks you're annoying."

...

How did we get here
When I used to know you so well?
How did we get here?
Well, I think I know

2009-04-28T17:31:00.001-07:00

I have officially resorted to calling up my 9 and 12 year old cousins to hang out with me.

Not that I don't have a blast with them.

I've been thinking really hard on the subject of 'best friends' and what I actually have in comparison. Sarah, Lizzy, and myself have been throwing each other birthday surprises since I can remember. It's just tradition. As great as it sounds, I don't want it this year. My birthday is coming up in less than two weeks, and I know that they've at least planned something. And the more I thought about it, the less I wanted whatever they were planning. Lizzy hasn't returned my texts. She hasn't called. She hasn't made any attempts to hang out with me at all recently, and this entire time I've been sitting back just waiting for her to try. I haven't talked to my 'best friend' in weeks. I'm past the point of realizing that our friendship is basically over, and moving towards the point of accepting it. As horrible as it sounds, I don't want to pretend for a day that we're best friends and everything is fine just because it is my birthday. In fact, it would be the last thing I would want. So I finally worked up the ability to call Sarah yesterday and let her know how I feel. I told her that I honestly did not want to do anything with them on my birthday because I'm so upset about how badly I've been treated as a so-called "best friend". I feel like I give and try so much and so hard in this friendship with them, and nothing is given back. I know Jesus talks about selflessness, and giving not to receive. I've struggled so much with this as I wasn't sure what the "Christ-like" thing to do would be. The Bible says to forgive not seven times but seventy times seven. But does there not come a point where a person must stand up for themselves and guard their heart? I know I have it in me to forgive her, but I don't have it in me to keep getting hurt. I can't talk about the situation without getting worked up, without crying. I'm so hurt and so devastated that my best friend of 12 years could just stop out of nowhere. It scares me more than anything. If she can walk out, so can anybody else. I can forgive, yes. But I cannot keep this false hope of things changing, and this false notion that we are best friends. I would only be continually lying to myself.

I told Sarah that I won't refuse anything they want to do for my birthday. If they still wanted to take me out or celebrate, I couldn't have it in me to turn it down. But I let her know exactly how I feel; that I'm not interested in celebrating my birthday pretending that every thing is okay.

This is the first time in 12 years that I haven't had a best friend.

I will be okay. I'm not concerned. I'm scared. I'm hurt. I'm confused. But it is not for me to worry about what tomorrow will bring - because God's got me. Does He not clothe the grass of the field? And how much more does He care for me?

Jesus, will you capture my heart and be my best friend?

When the day is done,

And there's no one else around.

While I'm lying here in bed,

You're in my heart

You're in my head

You're all I need.

But a man would still be nice.

Any takers? ;)

The Best Day

2009-04-27T07:40:00.000-07:00

I think that all girls should go out with her friends and have a photo shoot every now and then!

Yesterday I had a beautiful day with Remy and my Canon. We explored the quaint little town of Mcintosh and snapped away. We found everything from an old gas station, to an abandoned school, to a wide open field of beautiful flowers. I cannot tell you how long it's been since I've had that much fun, and felt that on top of the world. I wish I could do this every day.

Falling?

2009-04-25T14:40:00.000-07:00

Am I falling for someone?

I've mentioned before that I have addictive personality disorder. It's something I've rightly diagnosed myself with. I get addicted to hobbies (scrap booking, card making, painting, coloring, sudoku), drinks (coffee frappucino light, sugar free red bull, green tea, orange juice), daily routines (getting ready, going to Starbucks, going to the mall), and mostly boys (we won't mention any of those). When I meet a cute guy that could possibly be interested, I go crazy and become addicted to the thought of us together. And if we get together, I become addicted to him. And when he leaves, my heart goes with him. It happens every time, as though it's inevitable. I never second guess. I either have feelings for someone or I don't. And when I do, I fall hard and fast. And it never turns out pretty.

I met this guy last year sometime. He seemed nice, but not my type. I really wasn't interested, and I guess I made it clear. Well, I started chatting with him a little more here and there as a friend and started to take a liking to him in that area alone; friendship. We hung out a few times and I enjoyed myself, but never even came remotely close to having feelings for him. In fact, I told friends that I couldn't ever date him, that he would never be more than a friend to me. That was the bottom line and I was sticking to it. There was just something about him that only reached my heart as a really great friend. And to be honest, I really liked it that way. Though, I don't want to be conceited or be reading things the wrong way, I really think that he could possibly have stronger feelings for me than I do for him.

He's the perfect guy. He listens to me. He's there when I need him. He gives advice...Godly advice. He's so intelligent in God's word and is just completely in love with Jesus. He loves music and is so talented in that area, especially on drums. He plans to be a pastor. He's marriage and family minded. There isn't one thing wrong with him at all. Yet it's as though all feelings for him in a romantic way are completely blocked and I cannot understand why. I want to like him. I want so badly to be falling completely head over heels for this guy. And I beat myself over the head constantly because I cannot seem to fall for him.

Until today.

Am I developing feelings for him? Or am I really just that lonely that I'm willing to take whatever I think I can have? Am I falling for him? Or am I falling for the thought of being with somebody period? Is he the one or is he just comfortable?

Honestly speaking, I think he's just comfortable. I think he's just a nice thought. I don't think he's for me. Especially since he'll be gone soon anyway. College is calling his name several hours away. And I'll be here. Stuck. Maybe in that time I'll find out. I know I'll miss him. But will I miss him more than I think I will? In a different way? Why is this so confusing? The only explanation I can conjure up in my mind is that God is completely blocking all possible feelings for him so that I don't get hurt by something that isn't meant to be. God has never done that before. God has let me fall in love and get hurt. It's happened time and time again where God has completely allowed feelings to develop inside me for another person that only ended up breaking my heart. But this time it's different. It's as though God is allowing a great friendship with a wonderful guy, but completely blocking any and all possible romantic feelings for him inside me. It's as though he won't allow it.

And I think it's absolutely wonderful. My God is big and strong enough to stop even my biggest fault from developing a horrible situation for me. God knows my heart isn't strong enough to take any more pain, any more rejection. He knows that it's shattered, and I really feel like the next man that comes into the picture that I develop feelings for will be the man God has designed me to be with. It's beautiful. God, you are so beautiful.

My 18th birthday is in two weeks, and what am I giving myself?

An E-Harmony account.

I'll let you know how that works out for me.

God Calling...

2009-04-23T20:30:00.000-07:00

God calls me every day at 10 AM.

Yesterday this is what He said;

If you're a little weary, or a little directionless, this is for you.

Hebrews 10:32-36, 39 (New Living Translation)

32 Think back on those early days when you first learned about Christ. Remember how you remained faithful even though it meant terrible suffering. 33 Sometimes you were exposed to public ridicule and were beaten, and sometimes you helped others who were suffering the same things. 34 You suffered along with those who were thrown into jail, and when all you owned was taken from you, you accepted it with joy. You knew there were better things waiting for you that will last forever.

35 So do not throw away this confident trust in the Lord. Remember the great reward it brings you! 36 Patient endurance is what you need now, so that you will continue to do God’s will. Then you will receive all that he has promised.

…

39 But we are not like those who turn away from God to their own destruction. We are the faithful ones, whose souls will be saved.

Get back to when your faith was fresh. And remember, God still keeps His promises.

411God.Net

Check it out and sign up!

Jesus, please take my life and make me wholly yours, available to you and only you. Give me the ability to love you - because I cannot love you on my own. I need back to where I started. I feel like I have to start all over. It's so sad how our human minds work, how we so often see you. I keep feeling as though you will take me back, but with reservations. I feel like you'll have to take time to 'cool off' until you can fully love me again and I can be 'ok' with you. How wrong I am. And how beautiful you are to love me so unconditionally. Unconditional love is incomprehensible and I don't get you, God. But thank you that you are so complex, so amazing, so unbelievable and so outside of my mind. I love you that way and I need you that way. Please restore me to your loving heart and show me the heart of you who forgives then forgets.

Please forgive me for being so selfish. For loving myself and wanting for myself things not of you. Forgive me for feeling sorry for myself, for wanting more for myself than you, and for not realizing that there isn't anything more than you. Forgive me for neglect. Forgive me for arrogance and ignorance towards you and how great you are, how big you are, and how beautiful you are. Forgive me for seeking outside of you. Your forgiveness is all I need. I need you, Jesus. Your grace to restore my soul to you.

God I don't deserve you and sometimes it drives me crazy. It's like I'm watching from the outside, watching you take me back time and time again, and I get so frustrated that you continually forgive me and accept me again. I am so undeserving and so unworthy. I feel like nothing. I feel like something so small and insignificant, that you shouldn't even have eyes for me. Yet why is it YOUR heart that beats faster with a glance from MY eyes? God please show me your ways, show me your heart, reveal to me your will, your perfect plan. Place me in it and don't let me out! I need you, I desire you. Show me how, because I am so lost. This valley is so deep, it's so dark, and you are the only light amongst the troubles. Shine bright, Jesus, and give me eyes to see you that I may be led out of this in your time. But God, if disaster is what I need, then bring it on!

I am Yours and You are mine

You know far better than I

And if destruction’s what I need

Then I’ll receive it Lord from Thee

Yes, I’ll receive it Lord from Thee

Jimmy Needham

Jewel

2009-04-22T12:50:00.000-07:00

Listen dear
I need you to hear.
I cannot disappear
I've tried again and again and again, and again.

I know we said
That we'd give up
You said we'd had enough
Again and again and again, and again.

But you, you're always on my mind.
It's like this all the time.
Say it's cause you're mine
All mine...

And if you will, I will
Try to let it go.
And if you try, I'll try
Try to let it show us the way
'Cause love is here to stay
Just look me in the eye
This is do or die
And I will stay in love
'Till you say enough
There is no giving in
There is no giving up in love.

What Friends?

2009-04-20T17:10:00.001-07:00

This is where I get real honest. most of the people, if not all, mentioned here won't read this anyway.

I've become totally and completely lonely. I really mean that. I feel like there isn't a soul around me. At least, not a reliable one.

Sarah; You're leaving in August and I'm completely broken over that. Thinking about it brings tears to my eyes. What else brings tears to my eyes? The fact that you can never hang out past dark with me either because you're 'too busy or tired' or your parents won't let you out too late. Yet I called you the other day while you were playing late night soccer with a bunch of your new friends. They seem to take a much higher place in your life these days than I do. Do you even care if I'm around? I feel so distant from you. I guess it doesn't matter anyway. You'll be gone as of August. Might as well start preparing for our lost friendship now. I need you and Lizzy now more than I've ever needed you before, and it just happens to be the same time you're both drifting away from me.

Lizzy; I'm done trying altogether. You can go off with every other friend that you have, yet an hour with me seems much too long. Every time we hang out I feel as though it's only time you're giving to me out of guilt or pity. I'm not your best friend anymore, and I don't know why I even label myself as such anymore. Those days are gone and they're never coming back. You're prom queen and captain of the cheer leading squad. How could I be good enough to even make it into your schedule? I'm not anymore. I'm just done trying. I do so much, try so hard to keep what we've had for the past 12 years alive, and you put forth zero effort. But everybody else gets your undivided attention. I hear all of the crazy stories of how much fun you have with these other people in your life, yet to have fun with me is a burden to you anymore. I wish you'd just admit that you don't want me in your life. Maybe that would make it easier than this. You left for a week on spring break and I nearly went crazy. I missed you so much, and couldn't wait until you got back home. The instant you came back I dropped everything I was doing and went to your house to visit you. You didn't even care that I was there. I hugged you and you didn't even hug back. There was no excitement in that time whatsoever until you started telling stories of your week. Yet when I called you the other night to hang out, you said you couldn't because it had been a week since you'd seen your boyfriend and you really missed him and wanted to spend time with him. Do you know how much that hurt me?

Remy; I miss you so much. So so much. I understand you are busy, I am too. I'd give anything to have what we had back. We got so close and I miss that closeness. You're never available to hang out with me. Yet I see pictures of you doing things with other people all of the time. Have you gotten bored with me too?

John; We just formed this awesome friendship and I was really hoping to start something great. But we never get to hang out. The other night I hoped so desperately that we could go see a movie when I got off of work, but you didn't want to be out too late. I understood. I also understand you'll be leaving for good soon. This was a wasted effort. I made a friendship and an attachment only for it to be ripped away like everything and everybody else.

Ryan; I don't know what you want, but I'm over a so-called friendship. You seemed so interested in getting to know me in the beginning. And it was as though as soon as you did, you realized I really wasn't so great after all. You don't make much of an effort, and you've disrespected me too many times. You seemed nice. You're really just an immature boy. And I'm not interested in friendship with you, because I don't believe it's possible.

Justin; I've had the silliest little girl crush on you ever since I met you. Every time I come to Jacksonville I have such high hopes something will spark, and it never does. I don't think you've ever been interested. You make it so obvious that you really don't want to talk to me. You don't want to hang out with me. You don't want to see me. I always keep trying, you continually keep rejecting with your actions. I won't bother you anymore. I promise.

Joel; You read this. I really don't care about being secretive anymore. When we were together I didn't have to worry about friendships that were falling apart or boys that didn't like me. It was you and me and Jesus; and I loved it that way. I miss you to this day. I miss what we had and who I was when I was with you. You were all I needed here on earth, and I was okay if everything else crumbled. My boss told me today we should have never argued about our differences. We should have never separated because of the issue and we should have stayed together. I'm not the only one who thinks the issues were pointless and something we could have gotten past if we would have both just worked hard to get through it together. When I told you I loved you, I meant it. I can't help but get the feeling that you leaving me was a relief for you.

I think I need a boyfriend.
Janis just thinks I need new friends.
To be honest, I don't know what I need. But I know there's something missing.

It's like I shine so bright at first glance.
But by the time it takes to get to know me, I've burned out.
It never fails.

I got a text from someone today I really felt was a good friend, but has lately been showing zero interest in being around me lately - basically like everybody I know. When he texted me "how's work?" a smile came upon my face because it was so nice to know somebody was thinking about me and actually wanted to chat. Too bad he only texted me to ask for a favor. Didn't even say 'thank you' when I complied.

Another mall 'friend' walked by me the other day, talked to somebody right next to me and didn't even acknowledge my existence. I said "good to see you too!"
He didn't even look at me as he mumbled "yeah" and walked away.

I feel like a disease.

I'm sorry to throw such a big pity party. I wanted to get this all of my chest, then realized I had no friends to do so with. Blogspot is the next best thing, I suppose.

Janis doesn't think that moving will help solve things.
I think it would solve everything. I don't mean to run away, but only to start fresh.
I guess I should start saving. Madre wouldn't like it very much though.

***

This helps a lot.

"I'm rather uninteresting..."
"Yeah you could be better, I'm not gunna lie."

2009-04-16T11:31:00.001-07:00

Here at Merle Norman I've put an entire order away, organized all the drawers, and managed to do nearly $700.00 in sales...

All in 4 1/2 hours.

Thanks to two of these;

Only 10 calories.
It's 2:36 and I haven't eaten lunch.
I'm not hungry in the least.
That could be a very bad thing.

I feel like today is a good day.

"The desire of the man is for the woman, but the desire of the woman is for the desire of the man."

He has to be close.

Singin' The Blues

2009-04-15T06:51:00.000-07:00

Time on my hands
Since you been away boy
I ain't got no plans
No no no no
And the sound of the rain
Against my windowpane
Is slowly, is slowly drivin' me insane, boy

I'm goin' down
I'm goin' down
Cause you ain't around baby
My whole world's upside down

Sleep don't come easy
Boy please believe me
Since you been gone
Everything's goin' wrong
Why'd you have to say goodbye
Look what you've done to me
I can't stop these tears from fallin' from my eyes
Ooh baby

I'm goin' down
I'm goin' down
Cause you ain't around baby
My whole world's upside down

Oooh baby love
goin' down, goin' down
Mmm ooh I'm goin' down
Ooh I, I...

I'm goin' down
I'm goin' down
Cause you ain't around baby
My whole world's upside down

Ooh, goin' down
Goin' down
Oh, I don't know what to do
If I ever lose you
I'll be goin' down
I said I'll be goin' down
Oh, please forgive me baby
I'm so sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry
What did I do wrong?
I said, what did I do wrong?
Please forgive me baby
And come on home
Goin' down, goin' down, goin' down

Mary J Blige, yeah.

I've Picked Up Coloring

2009-04-13T16:38:00.000-07:00

...Along with a Red Bull addiction, and the desire to go on spontaneous trips every week.

Last week I left work one evening and decided I needed to get out of Gainesville. So I woke up at 5 AM Monday morning, got my stuff together, and left for Aunt Nee Nee's house in Jacksonville for a couple of days. I wish I were back there. I feel like Gainesville has gotten so boring. And I feel like it's gotten bored of me. I miss my friends. Because even though they are here, I feel like they're gone. I feel like I'm losing all of them, and it's my fault. It isn't just boys anymore. It's everybody. I could be reading things wrong. Maybe I'm self conscious. I don't know what it is. But I feel like I'm losing any spark I have inside, and everybody is noticing. I question my own best friends, and their care for me as their own best friend. I wonder if I even take that title in their lives anymore, and I feel as though I do not. I'm being mocked by people I thought were my friends, and I don't think they could care any less whether or not I'm around. What happened to me?

I have a terrible headache.

I wonder if any man will ever be able to love me enough to want to marry me. I feel as though my own best friends, those who know me best, don't even show such deep interest and concern in me as I do for them. How can anybody else even want to know me at such a deep level? I contemplated marriage while driving to work the other day and realized how intense such an institution really is. I have to stand out so much in another human being's eyes that they want to spend the rest of their life with me alone. Someone must find me so beautiful, so amazing, so inspiring, that I stand out more than any other woman he meets. How can one become such in another one's eyes? Can I really be that wonderful to another person? Will I ever be found on such a high level?

Every spark has gone out.

I color all the time now. I feel like a five year old at work with my box of 96 crayons and a princess coloring book. Filling in green polka dots on dragons and blond hair on damsels in distress. It's somewhat therapeutic, and when I'm doing it I'm thinking about nothing else but the colors. Brick Red, Wild Strawberry, Razzmatazz, Magenta, Pine Green, Jungle Green...

Little girl fourteen flipping through a magazine
Says she wants to look that way
But her hair isn’t straight her body isn’t fake
And she’s always felt overweight

Well little girl fourteen I wish that you could see
That beauty is within your heart
And you were made with such care your skin your body and your hair
Are perfect just the way they are

There could never be a more beautiful you
Don’t buy the lies disguises and hoops they make you jump through
You were made to fill a purpose that only you could do
So there could never be a more beautiful you

Little girl twenty-one the things that you’ve already done
Anything to get ahead
And you say you’ve got a man but he’s got another plan
Only wants what you will do instead

Well little girl twenty-one you never thought that this would come
You starve yourself to play the part
But I can promise you there’s a man whose love is true
And he’ll treat you like the jewel you are

So turn around you’re not too far
To back away be who you are
To change your path go another way
It’s not too late you can be saved
If you feel depressed with past regrets
The shameful nights hope to forget
Can disappear they can all be washed away
By the one who’s strong can right your wrongs
Can rid your fears dry all your tears
And change the way you look at this big world
He will take your dark distorted view
And with His light He will show you truth
And again you’ll see through the eyes of a little girl

I was asked out on a date the other night.
I declined.

I feel like the only one I wish so desperately would show interest, only seems to see right past me.

Unattraction

2009-03-31T20:30:00.001-07:00

I took a route I haven't taken in a while. It brought back so much. A love song played through my radio as you took your place in my imagination. It's been so long since I've thought about all the little things involved in the small fragment of a time we had together. I've pushed so much of it out. I barely remember half of it all. The car ride brought back so many memories. Memories of long drives to your house. Thinking about you. Couldn't wait to see you. I was so comfortable. So sure of everything. It feels like it was years ago. I guess it's best kept that way. What was to come of it? What did I think would come of it? I didn't expect this. As terrible as it sounds, I've nearly forgotten you. I haven't forgotten the situation. I ask myself if it's more the situation that I miss, rather than the person in it. I miss who I was with you. I miss how I felt with you. I miss the comfort and the joy. Do I even miss you?

It's everything, you know? I shared something with my best friend earlier today. Something so terrible sounding, and so unlike me. There are actually guys that I want so badly to like me, yet I have no feelings to return. There are the good, godly ones that I should like. There are also those worldly boys that I need to stay away from. In either case, I don't have feelings for any of them, yet I want so badly for them to have feelings for me. It's as though lately I want all of the male attention on me. And even typing that makes me so ill. Every day I find myself losing more and more attraction from within myself. I feel more insecure with every morning I wake up. I hang out with a group of guys and feel so empowered until another girl catches their eye or walks up to chat. As soon as she does, I feel completely invisible. Today I had a guy friend tell me that I "glow". He sang my praises, expressed how attractive he found me. And to be honest, I have them tell me all the time. But it's like the physical attraction that others find in me isn't what I'm searching for.

Guys are quick to come and quick to leave. They'll fall in fast, and turn right back around and leave again. I'm sick of them leaving. I'm sick of the physical attraction drawing them in, and then the unseen pushing them away. My insecurities are running deeper than the cover, and I'm feeling so unattractive lately; in every way possible.

Everywhere I go it seems that guys notice me. I watch them walk by and stare. I see the faces that they make at me, the glances. I watch them roll down their windows in their cars and I hear the words they try to stretch across the roadway space between us. I'm aware of the failed passes they attempt and the remarks said just loudly enough for me to catch. I say all this, not in vain, but in confusion and frustration. I'm not flattered when a male treats me as an object as I pass by. I'm not honored by the stare downs I receive, when a man is only placing me to such low a level as merely something to look at. And I'm confused because I never see in me what they see in me. There are morning when I look at my reflection and I spill tears from my eyes because I hate what I'm seeing. I can always find a more beautiful girl than I within an eye shot. I wonder why they look at me. I get so mad because they see me so done up, and know they wouldn't give a second glance if they saw what I see every morning before my transformation. The other night I left work feeling so bad about my appearance. I actually got into my car and began to cry because I felt so undesirable and unattractive. I picked up my phone to call anybody. I needed to talk to someone. I needed to get out all of these issues raging inside my head. But how do you call up anybody saying "I don't feel pretty" without sounding like you're fishing for a compliment? So I placed my phone back down, and breathed it out.

Everything gets to my head anymore.

You've brought me down.
There I go blaming you again.

He's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar,
The only one who's got enough of me to break my heart.
He's the song in the car I keep singing
Don't know why I do.
He's the time taken up,
But there's never enough.
And he's all that I need to fall into.

Racist God, and the Problem With Tradition

2009-03-30T22:07:00.000-07:00

Every time I think of new things to blog about, I procrastinate until they are no longer fresh in my mind. For this, I'm truly sorry.

***

Those of you who know me know that anything to do with Tyra Banks is a guilty pleasure of mine. I DVR every season of America's Next Top Model and never miss an episode of the Tyra Show. A few moments ago, while watching a Tyra Show episode on racism, I heard a conversation between Tyra and a show guest that was rather intriguing and incredibly appalling. It went a little something like this;

Brittany: I don't think it was right she was dating a Mexican...I wasn't brought up that way. I come from a Christian family, I'm told that you're not supposed to date outside your race -

Tyra: Wait slow down slow down...I just got real confused for a second. Okay you say you come from a Christian family...so say that again and slow down so I can understand -

Brittany: I'm told that you're not supposed to date outside your race. Like that's how I was brought up.

Tyra: Because of Christianity? Explain that!

Brittany: Well my grandparents and my parents have told me, not only once, like a lot of times, that it's in the Bible that you're not supposed to date outside your race...I know that sounds stupid but that's what they tell me.

Tyra: I'd love to see that passage!

Thanks to DVR I was able to rewind this and dissect it. I found many problems with this situation.

1. God is NOT racist
I was raised to believe that interracial relationships were sin. I absolutely love my mom and my grandparents, and respect their opinions and views, however I don't agree with their stances on interracial dating/marriage. I remember seeing family shiver at the sight of a white woman with a black man, and I was always told that it was completely wrong. It was istilled in my mind from a very young age. I grew up being taught that you must date and marry within your own race. I remember being in middle school and having a crush on a black boy in my class, but being so scared that my parents would find out and that I would get into trouble. It wasn't until much later in life that I discovered that the Bible itself has absolutely no stance against the coming together of two separate races. I know that my God is not a racist, and I know that my family knows that as well. We hold separate views, and as I said, I respect them. However when it comes to Biblical authority, I must obey my God's Word against all else. And through the searching of scriptures I've come to find absolutely no evidence against the union of a man and a woman of separate races. The Bible says only this;

But do not be unequally yoked together with unbelievers; for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? And what common hath light with darkness?
2 Corinthians 6:14

In fact, if I were to find any evidence in the Bible at all on the issue of interracial relationships, it would be evidence for such. Such as Moses marrying a woman of another nation. God never forbids the coming together of separate races in His word. I truly believe that we can pull all of our rights and wrongs out of the Bible. If we aren't sure if something is of God, we can go straight to His word and find out. God never leaves us hanging and has given us all of the answers we could need to finding His will for our lives. Yet I find it interesting how not once in the Bible, God's guidebook for our lives, does God forbid interracial marriage.

2. Tradition often surpasses the authority of the Bible
This is something I have come to have a very hard time with, and sometimes I know I cross the line when confronting it. We all have our traditions, and that's wonderful. There is absolutely nothing wrong with church being held on Sunday mornings from 11AM-12PM with Sunday school for an hour before. Or Wednesday night youth groups and prayer meetings. There is no problem with daily devotions or weekly fellowship dinners or standing up to sing hymns. All of these are wonderful things and most certainly not harmful to the Kingdom of God. Yet I often feel as though traditions will actually overrule the authority of God's word in that what men have created of their religion must be what goes, rather than living off the very Word of God. And some of these traditions are extremely harmful to building the Kingdom. It is very traditional in most churches that men and women are to marry inside of their race. Seeing this episode of Tyra really shows me that people are taking their own opinions, views, and traditions, and placing them inside the Bible where they do not belong. They are creating these false teachings inside their own religions and spreading them like diseases, infecting future generations, ultimately turning outside observers even further away from the real gospel truth. Why are we so busy focusing on teaching our children that white women do not date black men when we should be more concerned about showing our kids how to treat people like Jesus treats people? With love and respect, completely color-blind and open hearted. Jesus didn't preach against interracial marriage. Instead He was welcoming sinners of all types, ages, genders and colors into His heart, offering love and forgiveness to every human being regardless of how God created them. Jesus died on the cross to save every man of every race. Why is the tradition of men replacing the truths of the Gospel?

3. Christians are not checking what God's word says for themselves
Honestly, I'm just tired of seeing Christians taking what their friends or family members say about what the Bible says rather than finding out for themselves. Isn't this a sad picture? This girl states that the Bible says it is wrong to marry outside of your race because that is what she was taught. Not because she read it for herself. But instead she took a fallen human being for their word and went with it, based truth on it. And in reality, it was a blatant lie and nothing but deceit from Satan himself. Because any false teaching or distortion of the gospel can only come from one source. I cannot tell you how many times I preached something to another person only to find out that I was only stating what I had heard from another person, rather than from reading it for myself. Christians, I beg of you, GET INTO GOD'S WORD and find out for YOURSELF what it says. Don't take your parent's word. Don't take your Sunday School teacher's word. Don't even take your preacher's word. These people are wonderful and are great tools that God uses in your life to build you up in the faith. But human beings are fallen creatures, prone to failure on their own. Go home, crack open your Bible, and find out for yourself what God says about issues. He holds the answers, nobody else does.

4. The world knows more about the Bible than Christ's Followers do
I find it interesting how Tyra knew more about the Bible than this girl did. Tyra knew that wasn't in God's Word, and, though I am not put on this earth to judge any person, I don't believe Tyra to be a born again follower of Jesus Christ. Yet being a nonbeliever, Tyra had more knowledge about the God that wrote the Bible than the girl that claimed to know what His Bible says. Christians, please stop letting the world gain more knowledge about what is supposed to be your complete guide to life than you! Get into God's word. When you are in love, every word spoken or written to you by your lover is like breathe through your lungs. You constantly come back for more as though you cannot live without it. Jesus' words are at your fingertips at every moment. If you loved Him, you would continually come back for more. And you would learn Him because you love Him. And please know that I am speaking to myself. I'm almost reluctant to even type this because of the conviction I have upon my heart in this very issue.

It's 1:48 in the morning, I am sick as a dog, and I need my sleep.
I really miss blogging regularly. Anybody actually stuck around to wait for me?

2009-03-16T14:21:00.000-07:00

"Kristi, are you ever gonna get another boyfriend?"
-Chase

Wow.

I'll upload pictures later from the shuttle launch. I was lucky enough to have gotten to watch it from the beach with some of the bestest friends in the entire world.

2009-03-13T20:18:00.000-07:00

I feel really pretty until I'm standing next to a beautiful girl.

And then I feel absolutely invisible.